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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can I do to help friend who is clearly in abusive situation

15 replies

lisad123 · 17/05/2012 22:00

This is a fairly new friend today and today she was clearly having a bad day so invited her for coffee.
I had no idea until today but her ex and father of her child is clearly abusive. Not physically but emotionally and verbally. Even as her ex he has full control of her money and bank account, does her food shopping and gives her £40 a week from her account to pay for bus, garage rent and mobile top up. That's it, she has no money for extras or clothes. He calls her all sorts of horrible names, tells her she's crazy and that she's a crap terrible mum. She has never met his family they dont even know about her or son, he has made her cut contact with friends and her family and blames her for his moods.
I was clear with her that he was an abuser and she needs help. She has refused to get any help at all, and says that she won't let her son grow up without a father. He has threated all sorts if she stops him seeing his child.

I don't know what the hell to do :(
I know there isn't likely anything I can do apart from listen and support her.
Any advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
lisad123 · 17/05/2012 22:01

Should say he has her bank card to her account and she has no control of her account or even what money is spent on Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lisad123 · 17/05/2012 22:15

Bump

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 22:17

I have no advice, but didn't want you to go unanswered Sad bumping in the hope someone will be able to help soon.

MissKeithLemon · 17/05/2012 22:19

That all sounds terrible Lisad Sad Is she enough of her friend that you can openly talk about the situation with her?

ashesgirl · 17/05/2012 22:21

There is a book you can read if you want to support an abused woman. Here's some info ...

www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=188

claricestar · 17/05/2012 22:22

can she not go to the bank and get a new card and bank account number? or is she too scared of what he might do?
being a supportive friend is good, just being someone who will listen will make a big difference to her and may help her develop confidence to stand up to him eventually

Original poster
lisad123 · 17/05/2012 22:24

I suggested she do just that. It's her bank account alone, so she could just cancel card he has and get new one but she won't Sad he tells her she's too stupid to sort out house bills ect Sad

OP posts:
MissKeithLemon · 17/05/2012 22:40

Well maybe you could help her then? If she's lost all confidence maybe a friend to lean on might help. Poor thing, she must be vey low if her ex is still controlling her to that extent knobber

I'd start with the bank card; hold her hand and help her to do it, you could check she is getting all the money she earns/is entitled to while you were at it.

Are you good with things like that and the bills? if so, help her there too, if not suggest she asks one of her relatives if she has any close by?

Step by step, she can get through this and be free of the selfish controlling arse.

Original poster
lisad123 · 17/05/2012 23:04

She has no family near by and he has done a great of isolating her Sad
I have offered to go with her to the bank but she wouldn't let me. I'm also aware of the risks of leaving or cutting off an abusive partner is the most dangerous part and so not sure im best person to keep her safe. I suggested woman's aid, but no joy Sad
I have checked she is getting all she should and she is, but it all goes into her account for which he has the card Angry

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/05/2012 23:07

She could go to the police. I would. But I can understand that she is scared.

How about suggesting she open another account, and start off by having some of her money going into there. She can always tell him it was stopped and she no longer receives it.

Original poster
lisad123 · 17/05/2012 23:09

Good thinking, will advise her of that, maybe her carers (son has SN)

OP posts:
tb · 17/05/2012 23:15

Is there something else, fairly anodyne, that she goes to see CAB about to ask their advice? They may have more tactics up their collective sleeve, and would be backing it up by being a bit official?

Would that work? Could be about going to see if there are any extra benefits to which she might be entitled?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2012 08:52

I'm struck that, for someone that is so isolated and so forth, she's really offloaded. Why do you suppose she trusts you - a fairly recent friend - with the information but doesn't feel able to tell the same story to get practical help? I don't quite buy it that she wants this awful bully... who is an 'ex' after all... to be a big part of her child's life. If she really felt like that, wouldn't she still be with the man?

I can understand you wanting to leap in and come to this woman's rescue but, having had my fingers burned on a few occasions, I would urge you to make sure the story is 100% correct rather than embellished to make people feel sorry for her.

Original poster
lisad123 · 18/05/2012 13:47

I dont know why she felt she could tell me, maybe because fo my job, maybe Im just one of those people.
She has called and told me she has gone into the local womans centre :)

I think if you spend years being abused you become dependant on the abuser, I cant think of any reason she would have for lying to me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2012 14:20

I'm glad she's gone to the women's centre at least.

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