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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gah! Please help, where did I go wrong???

27 replies

phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 21:32

Soooo. I've kind of liked this bloke for a while and kind of felt it was a mutual thing.

We work together and there has been lots of chatting between us. Lots of compliments from him, asking when I'll next be in (he works in a different branch etc).

This all cumulated a little while ago with me asking about the content of a presentation he was going to be giving and if it would be relevant to me. We basically had a bit of a...moment...where he said if I promised I'd come along he would make sure it was kind of tailored specifically for me. Lots of meaningful looks etc exchanged at this point and air quite tense etc etc.

Anyway, went to the seminar, got on well. He said that he could coach me privately if necessary.

Then. Since then....nothing. He's almost been 'off' with me. Almost as if I've done something wrong. My gut instinct now tells me that he's 'playing' me and backing off.

But I wonder if I upset him or felt I'd given him thbe brush off as the only thing that I could possibly have done to piss him off that i can think of is during a conversation I mentioned my relatinoship with x-dp and said I would still do it all over again. By that I meant still have my DC with him, but I wonder if he thought I meant I wouuld get back with him?

So, dear MNers, give it to me straight - is he playing me, or has he backed off because he thinks I still want my ex?

OP posts:
hattifattner · 17/05/2012 21:36

are you sure you havent misread his signals? Him tailoring the presentation and offering you private could be just very diligent management of a junior or colleague, rather than romantic interest.

ThatGhastlyWoman · 17/05/2012 21:37

Or, is he perhaps attached and was toying with the idea of cheating, but got cold feet..?

Original poster
phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 21:39

Hi hattifer..I don't think i misread, although it's possible.Tnhere have been lots of you look nice today, i like your hair, when are you coming to see me next? type comments.

Althugh it IS possible that he just flirts with everyone? every female, anyway. But there aren't many females at our work so i can'#t compare/..

OP posts:
Original poster
phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 21:41

thatghastlywoman. Hmmmmmm.....

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/05/2012 22:06

If he liked you and wanted to take it beyond flirtatious banter, surely he would've suggested something social, rather than "private coaching" (weird!) or made some kind of clear signal by now.

Think this is a case of "just not that into you", sorry. Or that he's not single, or doesn't want to date anyone with DC. And has realised that he was behaving inappropriately and backed off.

(Sounds like you revealed too much info re your ex etc. But doubt that's got anything to do with it)

Original poster
phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 22:40

Thank you.

I guess, for whatever reason, he's backed off. And the reason shoudln't matter ultimstely.

One thing - he did tell me that he got engaged to his ex pretty much as soon as they met, but didn't want to commit to marrying her in case they weren't right for each other. Is that a bit weird? Or normal for this day and age (was with my x from a v early age)

OP posts:
Original poster
phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 22:57

Oh god can someone humour me pleeeeeease! I know it's not important in the grand scheme of things but it's bothering me as I know i have to see him at work tomorrow and have no idea how to act around him now...

OP posts:
Ponybaloney · 17/05/2012 23:05

Um, I think you should just try and be friendly. Why do you think he has been 'off'?

Original poster
phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 23:09

Thanks pony, I will be friendly but don't want to seem overly keen if you see what i mean? It's always him thats done the chasing and i don't want to pursue it if he isnt interested.

By 'off' I mean - normally when I come in the office he'd greet me with a big smile, come over, ask how I am etc etc. Yesterday when I saw him I came in and he just kind of looked at me and said hi, but it was in a really odd way. There was an atmosphere there, almost like..you know when you've maybe had a falling out with someone and things are 'ok' but not back to normal? Or the first time you see someone after you've broken up and you've agreed to be civil, but it's weird?

Like yesterday, he totally acknowledged me but gave me this really kind of wistful/hurt face as if I'd wronged him in some way???

OP posts:
Selks · 17/05/2012 23:12

"for whatever reason, he's backed off. And the reason shoudln't matter ultimately"

This.

suburbophobe · 17/05/2012 23:18

Sounds like he's playing games with you. Going hot and cold. Be careful.

Yea, I think the "private coaching" is weird too.

I'd back off and play it cool. Just detach.

Ponybaloney · 18/05/2012 00:27

You could just ask him if he's alright?

Triffiddealer · 18/05/2012 00:47

Phoebe - that's horrible when that happens.

But the appropriate answer to any such shenanigans is always class and charm - like the Queen, or Kylie Minogue.

Be charming and polite when you see him next. I have no idea why he has gone from Mr Flirty to Mr Rude. He may be attached, he may have mental health problems, he may be about to be posted on a secret mission to Afghanistan and not want any involvement before he goes - but anyway that sort of U-turn behaviour without explanation is wanky.

I suggest you consider him wanky (in a charming and classy way) until he proves to you that he works for MI5.

Don't know if this helps, but in my life experience, time spent on wondering why men act in wankish ways, is time wasted.

Thumbwitch · 18/05/2012 00:53

Just go back a step to being professional and work-related in all dealings with him. I think it's possible that he:
a) already has a partner and has decided not to cheat on her after all
b) may have met a new one over the weekend (or at some intervening point) and has decided to focus on her instead
c) has been spotted flirting with you at work and told not to by senior people for whatever reason.
d) is playing games with you to see how keen you are - i.e. will you chase him now

Thing is, if he really liked you etc. then he wouldn't back off - and if he IS playing games then leave him the fuck alone.

Yes, the getting engaged that quickly is a red flag - too much, too soon - and if you link that with game-playing, then you have a dodgy bloke who needs to be avoided at all costs.

MoodyNagoo · 18/05/2012 00:54

That is very good advice triffid

Good work everyone! Sorry he's wanky op :(

As an aside, why was it such prolonged vague work related flirting? I used to be very direct if I liked a man. But then I am easy.

Triffiddealer · 18/05/2012 01:01

Honestly Moody?

How is anyone supposed to work in an office without a little bit of vague and prolonged flirting? In fact, the thought of it being even slightly 'direct' (the IT help desk lad, sneery compliance manager) fills me with horror.

Just wondering how direct you really were? (please don't say disabled toilet)

MoodyNagoo · 18/05/2012 08:06

Grin not quite disabled toilet.

TBH I've never worked in a large office environment, so my quarry was only ever with me temporarily. There's a lot less to lose asking someone of they want to go for a drink.

Now I've been married too long, so I've forgotten the thrill of the frisson!

Original poster
phoebebuffet · 18/05/2012 09:04

Thanks all this has been really helpful, I really Appreciate all your advice.

The stupid thing is that I'm not really bothered about the romantic side of things. Just enjoyed having a 'friend' at work and now I feel it's been ruined and there's an atmosphere Sad might leave it a while and try to get the friendship back on track if thats possible.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 18/05/2012 10:02

Walk away.

Friendships etc are not supposed to be this hard.

He's either misread things in which case time will clarify things.

Or he's a headworker, and trying to confuse the crap out of you so you're easier to 'hook'

I hear warning bells, tread carefully...

Mumsyblouse · 18/05/2012 10:09

You didn't go wrong. For some reason, you don't know, he backed off (perhaps realised going in inappropriate direction, perhaps attached, perhaps game-player, who knows?) It's nothing to do with you, just leave it now and be very professional, but don't keep looking over to see if he's looking at you/daydreaming at your desk, you'll look desperate. Go online and get a date, go out with your girlfriends, leave him to his hot/cold stuff (although in all fairness, he didn't actually do anything wrong as a fair amount of the interpretation was coming from you, he may not have meant much more than friendship and exchanging stories).

queenpin · 18/05/2012 11:20

playing

GoPoldark · 18/05/2012 11:26

'He may be attached, he may have mental health problems, he may be about to be posted on a secret mission to Afghanistan and not want any involvement before he goes - but anyway that sort of U-turn behaviour without explanation is wanky.'

This! You should be pleased (in an odd way). What a useful little window into his mind. He's backed off - no problem, who knows why. He's making an extremely teenage palaver about it - big problem. Not boyfriend material!! Tosser. Maybe not massive tosser, but definitely teenager with a toss-flavoured caramel swirl. Move on!!

RA88 · 18/05/2012 11:30

He's married !

RA88 · 18/05/2012 11:30

He's married !

mrsbaldwin · 18/05/2012 11:39

Phoebe - I have a single female friend who works in a very male-dominated office. She's experienced what you are describing quite often over the years - in fact there's been something quite similar just recently. Needless to say man was married, was similar to what you describe with his flirting, then realised my friend was actually quite interested, the reality of it appeared to hit him and he backed right off. He is now being 'off' in the way you describe.

If this man really liked you he would say so and ask you out, as someone already said. Never mind - there'll be another one along in a minute :)