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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I butt in or butt out?!

7 replies

MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 17:55

To cut a long story as short as possible, my dear friend (DF) split from her husband a while ago. A mutual friend and work colleague who had split from his wife took her out for a drink and they had a FAB time (actually very well suited). All happy so far! They both decided that they wanted nothing serious; just dates as and when they could fit them in (both have kids), some good sex and a lot of fun. My DF made sure that although they weren't going to be in each pockets they were definitely in the early stages of a relationship - the words 'mutually exclusive' were used and agreed upon.
Not long after my DF2 came round to see me (doesn't know DF1 OR the guy) and she was full of the joys of spring, having had a full weekend of sex with a man she'd met in a club. Yes, you've guessed it. She was convinced it wasn't a one-night - or two night! - stand because of the things he'd said and how affectionate he was, all the things that DF1 had told me about. I told DF2 I knew the guy and he was in the early stages of a r/ship with DF2...DF1 cried, was mortified etc. even though of course she had no reason to be, she thought he was single.
I am a bit ashamed to say I rang the guy and said something along the lines of 'what are you playing at? I know you and DF1 are not serious but she is under the impression you are not seeing anyone else' - his reply was 'I'm not technically seeing any one else!'
I told DF1 about DF2 (awful conversation, lots of tears) and probably I'll get slated for doing that, but I hated to think of DF2 knowing, Guy knowing and ME knowing with her sat all loved up being treated like an idiot. Anyway she had nothing more to do with him from that day on. She has been incredibly strong - when he wanted to come round and apologise/explain she said that he'd made her no promises and owed her nothing at all and there was no reason to talk about anything. She has not backed down. When she's seen him at work she has been civil and polite but not let him talk about anything other than work.
The problem is we have a works night out next Saturday and he is invited. He knows nobody out of the big crowd that is going except DF1 and me. I think (and so does DF!) that he is going to try and wiggle around her all night/try to sit with us at the meal etc and it is all going to end in tears. I am seriously considering not going because I am dreading it. Part of me wants to leave them to it. Part of me wants to look out for DF as she is particularly vulnerable at the moment. Part of me wants to smack him in the chops. If I don't go I'll look petty, if I do go I'll end up in the middle or refereeing. Help!!

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 18:08

Bump

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 17/05/2012 18:13

Go to the party, and invite DF2!

That ought to keep Mr Trousers away...

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 18:17

There's no reason to suppose that he'll go to the do and there's no reason to suppose that, if he goes, he'll attempt to dance attendance on your df.

I would have thought that if he does attend, he'll spend the best part of the night avoiding the pair of you.

Your df's obviously doing her utmost to rise above this lowdown twunt and I would suggest you go along to give her any moral support necessary to enable her to keep her head in the air.

If he should try to be seated near to you for the meal, simply make it politely clear he's not welcome in your rarefied company or seat yourselves elsewhere.

MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 18:39

izzy he has confirmed he's going ON HIS OWN and he only knows me and DF. He will dance attendance, he keeps trying to get her to be 'friends'. Grrrr

Hissy how funny!! If only I could Grin

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/05/2012 18:41

Just because he's confirmed doesn't necessarily mean that he will attend.

I don't see any reason why you and your friend should miss out on what could be a great night; if he tries to dance attendance tell him that his presence is unwelcome and blank him thereafter.

MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 19:01

God I want to punch him. I won't of course, I'll just snarl

OP posts:
izzyizin · 17/05/2012 19:50

Snarling's good and the beauty of being in a large gathering is that you can snarl between smiley but gritted teeth and no-one else will hear or pay any attention Grin

If you should feel forgiving enough to have a dance with him on the night, don't forget to stamp on his feet tread on his toes with your stilettoes Grin

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