Shared care of DC's during summer Hols not so simple

[steelchic]

Hi
bit of advice needed on how to deal with this.

Brief background. H and I split last year together 14 yrs married 9. 2 Dc's 12yrs and 8yrs. He had been having an affair (dont know how long for) Rented a house with his GF without my knowledge (house or GF as he was still living here) I found out xxxx hit the fan my DC's and me were left devastated. Anyway he has now bought a house in the same town (less than 2 miles away from my house) and his GF had a baby in Jan. My 12 yr old is taking things very badly she has only been 2 his house twice has met the GF and baby once. 8 yo goes to his dads alot but dosent seem to bother about GF or baby.
Anyway, we have been talking about child care arrangements during summer hols. I work part time but I don't get a great deal of hols and I work 20 hrs per week.H is based at home and can sort out his own schedule going down to his HO etc. Last year H came here and the days I was working (DC's didn't know about GF then) and this worked out well.
This year he is saying he is not coming over here to look after them and DC's will have to go to his. DD is saying she's not going as GF will be there (as far as I know she will still be on Mat Leave). He is saying I've got to make DD go even if I have to drag her to his. He is saying that it will impact on my work not his (in other words I cant go to work) I've told him when we agree days its his problem on his days not mine.
He says she is a spoilt bratt but he dosent realise she is hurt about him leaving. He handled things all wrong lying about GF etc he is just a selfish coward who thinks the world revolves around him and cant stand anyone challenging him.
WWyd xx

how sensible is your dd? and how many hours a day are we talking?

I'd seriously consider leaving her by herself if you're only out 4ish hours a day. Take ds to Ex-H's house and leave dd home by herself, with strict instructions not to cook anything.

How long are you out for, is the 12yo responisble enough to be left alone while you are at work?

Let the 12yo stay on her own if she is happy with that.

I tend to agree that if your DD is responsible then she can be in the home on her own for a few hours and your DS can be dropped at his dads.

Your EXH is being quite insensitive to the plight of his daughter and of course she is upset about everything. Yes he has moved on and is keen for your DD to accept his partner and his new baby but clearly she needs more time and space and if he continues to try and force her to accept things he will only drive a wedge further between them. Is it possible that the pair of you can sit with your DD and talk things through in relation to her not wanting to go see her dad? Maybe she will be able to express things with you both there in a secure environment. Just a thought..

Absolutely do not drag her there. Even the courts take chldren views into account.

It is his job to make her feel better about the situation, in the main.Although I am sure you try not to xriticise them in front of her.

I would find other childcare arrangements and tell him he needs to sort out and mend his relationship with his daughter, and take some responsibility.

At her age her views would be taken into account. I can understand why she feels hurt by her dad's action - would she speak to him alone and discuss her feelings? It's likely to make more of an impact on him if she talks directly to him.

One thing to be aware of is that your daughter may feeling conflicting emotions and have a loyalty towards you. Reassure her that she doesn't have to go but that you would also be very happy for her to spend time with her dad and the new baby.

I don't believe parents should rush new relationships (which he seems to have done) and it must be so confusing for her. I do think however if she had a good relationship with her dad before the affair she should be encouraged to get that relationship back.