Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I just want to cry.

19 replies

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 16:11

I've been bulimic for 10 years, mostly recovered for the last 5. I'm currently overweight, and last week started trying to rectify this sensibly. Dieting is a huge struggle for me, and it's very easily to fall into old unhealthy habits.
The last few days I've been feeling dizzy and sick, so have upped my calories again slightly. I started feeling sad after eating some pasta, a DH asked what was wrong. After initially trying to avoid the conversation, I told him.
We then got into an argument about how he's been constantly scared that I won't have lost weight, how I'm a patronising bitch, and that I'm being weird about food.
He's now stormed off to the bedroom, slamming doors and shouting that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
I just want to curl up and cry, as the last thing I need on top of everything else is him making this all about him again, and arguing until I apologise, when I don't even know what I've done.
Why can't he just support me, and accept when I don't want to tell him things because I know how he reacts? As of I don't despise myself enough.
I feel so low :(

OP posts:

nocluenoclueatall · 17/05/2012 16:19

No advice I'm afraid, I'm just bumping for you. I've suffered from EDs my entire life off and on - you're not alone. To anyone who hasn't been a prisoner of their own body I suppose eating some pasta is no big deal. To us though it can either be a simple bowl of pasta - or a very complicated leap into a pit of existential darkness. I hope you get some good advice on here x

MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 16:32

I probably have nothing useful to add - but my question to DH would just be, 'why are you trying to make this about you?

BalloonSlayer · 17/05/2012 17:44

What MushroomSoup said.

And why is he "constantly scared that I won't have lost weight" ??

Is he pressuring you to lose weight? Or is he scared of you being upset because you haven't lost weight?

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 17:51

Thank you Noclue, it's good to know I'm not as alone as I feel.

Mushroom- if I asked him that, he'd fly off the handle even more, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Balloon- the second, he hasn't ever suggested that I should lose weight.

OP posts:

toptramp · 17/05/2012 18:10

Op; you need someone supportive here. It dosn't sound like your dp is being all that supportive.

MushroomSoup · 17/05/2012 18:11

Scented if you can't talk to him about your feelings without him flying off the handle, and you can't talk to him about his feelings without him flying off the handle, how on earth do you ever communicate? What's the basis of this relationship?!

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 18:12

Toptramp- I think he sees it as more of a choice than an illness I tried seeing the GP for help not long ago, but was told that because I'm not underweight, it's 'not a concern right now'. I understand that it's hard for people to understand and cope with, which is why I try to keep it to myself, but it would be so nice to have someone to talk to.

OP posts:

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 18:14

Mushroom- he's difficult at the moment as he hates his job and is tired. I shouldn't really be burdening him with more worry should I? I need to pull myself together and apologise for getting wound up I think.

OP posts:

Lueji · 17/05/2012 20:12

How long have you been with him?

amillionyears · 17/05/2012 20:14

I think you need some professional support to help you with your weight, and weight issues.Is there a nurse at your GPs for instance,that helps with this sort of thing.
That way, you know are getting the right help and support.
Also, it seems to me, that your DH may be concerned about you,rather than angry with you.

Lueji · 17/05/2012 20:17

You need to apologise for getting wound up?

Seriously?

So, you were the one who stormed off, screaming and banging doors and called your oh a bitch?

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 20:21

Lueji- together 4 years, married 3. It's only the past year that he's been so short fused.
Amillion- I feel to embarrassed to go back to the GP surgery, being sent away twice for being too fat to bother with would destroy what little progress I've made. He sometimes sounds like he's concerned, but then spends hours sulking in the bedroom or playing on his computer. I've given up asking him to spend time with me, as I just end up feeling rejected when he looks irritated at the request.

OP posts:

fluffiphlox · 17/05/2012 20:22

It is difficult living with someone with food issues BUT I think he could be more supportive and if he can't say anything nice, he shouldn't say anything at all. Lots of women I know or have known have had food problems, but very few of the men and I think it can be a bit baffling for them, though that's not to excuse his rather childish behaviour.

balia · 17/05/2012 20:25

Alright, but before we demonise OP's DH, and whilst of course, OP, you need support, it is very difficult to live with someone who has ED's, very difficult to say the right thing all the time, be captain sensible and the supportive one all the time. Worrying about the weight issues of the other person and how they are going to react to weight etc, when all you really want to do is enjoy your dinner and the telly and just have a normal evening after a tiring day. Particularly when the 'supporter' doesn't really understand the ED's, has never felt that. I can imagine fuss over a bowl of pasta could drive someone in that situation over the edge just for a mad few minutes.

I'm not being an apologist for people who lose their temper and I really wouldn't want OP to feel like it is her fault - but a little understanding for someone in a difficult situation would not go amiss here.

If he is usually a total knob and an unsupportive one, OP, please do ignore me!

Lueji · 17/05/2012 20:29

Asking to be spent time with is not a food issue, surely.

From what you say the time you have been with him you haven't had major food issues.
He, however, seems to have major temper and mood issues.

LowFlyingBirds · 17/05/2012 20:30

Exactly what Balia said.

Chin up scented x

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 20:31

Balia- I completely understand what you're saying, but it's not something he usually hears about, I try to keep it to myself as much as possible, and as he works nights we rarely eat together.
I suppose it's stressing him out more than I realised though, I must not be as discrete as I thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 17/05/2012 20:33

Thank you all for Taking the time to reply by the way, I love MN x

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 17/05/2012 21:40

I agree with Balia, if its the second case, scented.

As someone who has suffered from OCD, if my DH noticed that I was on edge and it was an OCD issue causing it, I knew that if I detailed my feelings about it it would seem stupid, so I would just say that it was an OCD thing and he would leave it at that.

Do you think your DH would be content to drop the subject if, say, you had a code word that meant: "Yes I am upset. But you have not upset me. This is to do with my ED. Just be nice to me/tolerate me/ignore me [delete as applicable] and I will be a bit better by and by. I will talk if you want me to." - would that work?

Flip