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Relationships

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Original poster

Sour grapes????

18 replies

justtheone · 17/02/2006 10:18

I agreed with my friend to take her 2 boys (4 and 5) and their nanny out on Monday. My DS is 4 and they have great fun together. When I arrived to collect the boys at 10am, the nanny/housekeeper said that my friend's husband wanted her to stay at home and do the housework. The husband appeared a few minutes later and gave me some money to cover his sons' activites for the day (soft play area and lunch). He did not mention the nanny.
We had a great day and after lunch went to the park. Just as we were leaving the park (3pm) my friend rang. She is a full-time mature student and had got home early. I mentioned that I had agreed with the boys that they could back to my house for an hour and then I would drop them home. So I asked her if she would like to drop in for a coffee at 4pm and collect them. She said that she had been out the night before and had not got to bed until 1am, so she was going to go for a rest. I dropped the boys back at 4pm into the hands of the nanny and there was no sign of their mother.
I am feeling that both friend and husband have been quite rude. If the husband had said "Do you mind.....", I would not feel quite so bad. If my friend had mentioned she was tired and offered a coffee when I dropped the boys back I would not feel quite so bad either.
Am I right in feeling put upon or is it just sour grapes because my friend got her housekeeping done, her boys entertained and her rest?

OP posts:

Beetroot · 17/02/2006 10:20

yes

Avalon · 17/02/2006 10:21

Not sour grapes - rude friends.

tracyk · 17/02/2006 10:23

I'd make sure she reciprocated soon and make sure you use the time wisely as she has done to make the most of it.

Marina · 17/02/2006 10:25

What bad manners on her part, not sour grapes at all

Beetroot · 17/02/2006 10:27

sorry not sour grapes on your part...bad behaviour on theres

Enid · 17/02/2006 10:28

bad manners

god lucky cow though to have a friend like you AND a nanny/housekeeper so she can go partying till 1am then spend the day in bed

I would have to drop her pdq

tigermoth · 17/02/2006 10:28

Depends on what has gone before and what happens afterwards. Has she doen you any similar favours or will she do so, now that you have given her a break?

If she is a new friend, I'd watch how things go - and perhaps, if the same situation happens again, drop strong hints about some favour she could do you.

Are you cross she may be compartmentalising you into safe, cosy mummy friend category, while she leads a more exciting going out clubbing life with other friends?

Crystaltips · 17/02/2006 10:32

In life there are users and then there are the rest of us .... I'd be fairlymiffed if I were you

Original poster

justtheone · 17/02/2006 10:32

I am not into reciprocation and I did not arrange the day out to trade favours later on. I'm a SAHM who enjoys doing things with DS and his friends. I just think that their attitude is unacceptable.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 17/02/2006 10:43

If she knows this is your attitude, she may well be taking advantage of you

I didn't mean you would keep a database of people you can ask for childcare favours IYSWIM - it's just nice to feel you can have back up from some friends you happen to need it. Don't you feel like this, too?

tigermoth · 17/02/2006 10:45

Even SAHMS need to know they have a support networks, I'd have thought.

Freckle · 17/02/2006 10:47

Strikes me that they are rather rude and lacking in consideration. The arrangement was that you would go out with their children and the nanny, so that you were not agreeing to be responsible for their children. The father unilaterally changed that arrangement without even asking if you were happy to be in charge of his two children. The mother then compounded that rudeness by not even having the decency to either collect her children herself or be there when you dropped them off.

To be honest, I don't think I'd be keeping these people as friends. Pleasant acquaintances, but not friends for whom you do favours, etc.

Blu · 17/02/2006 10:47

I think they took you very much for granted on two counts-that you were happy to take responsibility for all the boys without the help of the nanny, and that you would drop them back, rather than friend, husband or nanny collecting them.

If the nanny is a nanny rather than a housekeeper, she is being asked to do things beyond her normal jd, too - and may also be feeling p**d off - so they'll get their come uppance when she leaves!

WigWamBam · 17/02/2006 10:48

I'd be miffed too ... sounds like they both felt they could treat you like a substitute nanny while their own was doing the housework. I know you say you don't do these things to trade favours, but do you ever get anything out of this friendship, or is it always this one-sided?

Original poster

justtheone · 17/02/2006 11:03

WigWamBam, you have asked a good question. Since my friend went to college, the friendship has been fairly one-sided. My DS is an only child and my friend's 2 boys are his oldest and best friends. I am happy to have them because they get on so well together. However, I end up doing all the arrangements and ferrying around.

I have had the younger boy at my house without the nanny a number of times but I have never had all 3 boys by myself and out of the house.

Tigermoth, I have some friends who I would gladly ask for favours in an emergency. However, this friend does not fall into that category as I would not be sure who was looking after my son.

OP posts:

Original poster

justtheone · 17/02/2006 11:07

Many thanks for your replies. Thinking about what happened has been getting at my head for a few days, especially as it was making me question why I felt so miffed.

OP posts:

WharfRat · 17/02/2006 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tigermoth · 17/02/2006 11:52

justtheone, if you would feel uneasy about this family or their nanny looking after your son then perhaps it's time to draw away from them.

But I know how difficult this can be when your sons are all good friends and have known each other a long time - lots of shared memories, seeing them grow up together etc. And that connection is stronger, perhaps, because your son does not have siblings of his own.

I am in a similar situation to you. I first met one of my friends when we were both pregnant and our sons have seen each other since they were newborns. They are now nearly 12 years old. My son sees this boy as one of his best friends - the next best thing to a brother. The boy seems eager to see my son, too.

To begin with, there was equal amounts of giving and taking my friendship with the mother - and I can say that we were genuine friends as well. But in the last two years I have done nearly all the running. She never phones or organises things - or wants to see dh and I socially. She always apologises and but still...

If I offer to have her son for a sleepover she says yes very gratefully. The last time she was 'too busy' to have a coffee before or after I took him home. I talked about the boys meeting up in the christmas holidays and my son coming round to see her son...nothing ...then the spring half term....nothing again. I've also taken her son on a couple of day trips and west end theatre trips (I have won free tickets in a competition).

I feel she knows damn well I am doing this for the sake of the boys' friendship and is really taking advantage of it. I know if I picked up the phone right now and offered to have her son for a sleepover this weekend she'd say yes without a second thought .

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