Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

slap some sense into me please!

18 replies

mrsbuckett · 17/05/2012 10:47

The break up with my ex bf has been the most defining and painful experience of my adult life. We Were together for 3 years and I trusted him implicitly.He cheated.I felt so betrayed and soon after left him for a charming looser.A distraction, some one to help mend my broken heart ( there was a bit of " cross over' and looking back I so so wanted to hurt him.I know it is pathetic, but I was young and hurt.

Years have gone by.Without him I felt so adrift and soon after the break up met/ got pregnant and married DH.I love DHbut admit that it is not a naturally easy relationship.
The problem is that I have never stopped hurting and obsessing over ex.He is in my dreams weekly, this has goneon for years.I wake up sad. I think about him several times a day.
I have 2 DC.Ex is linked to several of my friends and I have several times been at the same events as him. It took YEARS for us to even talk.He was heart broken,so was I.At a party a few weeks ago we finally had a talk.It was friendly and we both talked about how hard it was to get over and how much we had been a part of each others lives. He invited DH and I to his birthday.DH had another event.I nearly didnt go.Ex and I talked all night.At the end he hugged me and saidI love you.
DH fight all the tme .2 DCS, financial woes, stresses of life etc. I dont even know why I am writing this or what I am even suggesting.I just miss him so much it impacts on my life.

This morning dh and i argued and he pushed me in front of DC.I am just so so fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbuckett · 17/05/2012 10:50

any advice please?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 17/05/2012 10:54

Sort your marriage out, but without any thoughts of what might be or could be with your ex bf. Leave him well out of the picture, and be absolutely sure that it isnt a grass is greener sort of thing.

If your marriage is not salvageable, then make a clean break with it, with nobody else involved. It could seriously backfire on you if you enter into any sort of relationship with your ex before ending your marriage.

KirstyWirsty · 17/05/2012 11:03

Sounds to me like you see your ex as an escape route from an unhappy marriage??

Best deal with the marriage first ... as Squeaky said ..

There's a reason that you split from the ex before .. he cheated on you and broke your heart .. I think you are rewriting history in your head to make it a better relationship than it was ...

Good luck! :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2012 11:07

Is your DH the 'charming loser'?....

ripsishere · 17/05/2012 11:17

I've got no advice but am surprised that nobody has picked up that he pushed you.

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 11:22

Slap, slap, slappity slap. HTH mrsbuckett.

Before you embark on any more flights of fancy about the man who cheated on you back in the day, have the decency to end the marriage that has been little more than a convenience for you before you repeat history by engaging in another 'cross over' relationship.

Original poster
mrsbuckett · 17/05/2012 11:39

hd is not the charming looser. I met DH completely seperately from the whole sorry story.

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 17/05/2012 11:52

Cogito, yes I think that's the most important thing here. Has he done that before OP, pushed you or anything?

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 11:54

It seems to me that you've never separated yourself from 'the whole sorry story' with the result that, to use a phrase made infamous by the late exPoW, there's always been 3 of you in your marriage.

Why you've chosen to obsess about a cheating loser throughout the years of your marriage ins unclear, but what is clear is that your marriage has been little more than a sham because of your obsession.

As you're the adult who's allowed this sorry state of affairs continue for many years, my sympathy is with your poor dc who have to live in such an unhappy home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2012 12:01

So you left Mr Cheat for Mr Charming Loser, then shortly afterwards met Mr Angry, married and got pregnant. It all sounds rather hasty on the face of it. How long is it since you and Mr Cheat were actually together? Do you think Mr Cheat is just looking like the best of a bad bunch and a nostalgic antidote to a difficult home-life, rather than anything on his own merits?

The easiest and most meaningless three words in the English language can be 'I love you'...

blackcurrants · 17/05/2012 12:14

Here's a couple of questions for you, Mrs Buckett. Have you ever been single as an adult for an extended period of time?

Do you think you 'need' a man around?

Are you more keen to be 'in a relationship' than with any particular man?

The reason I ask these questions is that it sounds like things aren't good between you and your H, and it's certainly NOT ok that he pushed you - but it also sounds like you're only willing to jump if it's to land in the arms of your Ex, which is a very bad idea.

Seems like you need to sort your tangled feelings out. Sounds very hard, I'm afraid, but I think it will be worth it.

Original poster
mrsbuckett · 17/05/2012 12:37

Thanks all for your advice.I am quite embarassed about all of this and do not talk about it at all in rl.I kind of regret posting it because it is so personal. dh .He is not abusive normally, but arguments have escalated in the past to shoving etc.

I want to work on my marriage and stop re writing history!!!

What kind of idiot would have fantasies about re kindling love with ex that hurt them? NOT ME.

I know it is projection and escapism.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbuckett · 17/05/2012 12:38

does any one else have any experience of this?

OP posts:
sternface · 17/05/2012 12:40

So is the ex married now or in a relationship?

ebbandflow · 17/05/2012 12:59

OP I really think you are being harsh on yourself, until now you have done all the right things by staying away from your ex. There is nothing wrong with thinking about someone from your past-we all do it on occasions. I think the real problem lies with the state of your marriage, it sounds like you want a knight in shining armour to rescue you from it. Do you think you are compatible with your DH?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/05/2012 13:09

"does any one else have any experience of this?"

I think anyone can be susceptible to flattery when things aren't going so well. Mr Cheat is obviously very persuasive or he wouldn't be Mr Cheat. Your marriage doesn't sound good and it may or may not be fixable. But chasing flattery isn't the solution.

I would echo what someone said earlier about living life single for a while. If you've only ever been 'someone's wife/girlfriend/partner' it can rob your self-esteem and mean you put up with things others wouldn't tolerate. Good luck

dondon33 · 17/05/2012 14:16

BIG SLAP but with a hug.
It must be such a head fuck where you are right now but remember the ex cheated on you, he hurt you, broke you and at that time destroyed your life. The relationship obviously was not a good one, hence he wouldn't have cheated. What was meant to be - happened. Keep him out of your life.

As for your marriage, you have to decide if you want to make it work, obviously the escalated rowing and shoving needs to stop.
Don't be embarrassed for posting and you're not an idiot, you just needed some advice. x

izzyizin · 17/05/2012 14:18

I understand the meaning of words such as 'pushing' and 'shoving' but, in this case, I would ask you to define the 'etc'.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page