Still Struggling

[Smanfer71]

Please bear with me as this may be long, and I just need to get it out...

I left my emotionally abusive husband in September 2010. We are still married, and I will divorce him later on in the year under 2 years separation grounds. He wouldn't divorce me on any other grounds.

He left the marital home and is living with his parents. The marital home was sold.

We have both found new partners, him before me. I have been with a lovely man for 14 months now.

So, why do I still miss my old life? I miss his family, I miss connection we all had and I miss my daughter having a "connected" family. I do not miss his taunting, dismissiveness, belitttling and cold silent treatment and lack of intimacy.

I guess this has all come to the fore now as his biological father is staying with his adoptive parents and I wasn't told by any of them. The relationship I had with his biological father has disintegrated and he didn't even say hello to me yesterday (which is very sad given he lives in Australia!).

I am still grieving for my daughter who will grow up without both parents under the same roof, and I guess I harbour a lot of guilt about that.

Ex will sometimes go off the handle at me for no reason (the latest, last week, is that I apparently am not offering her a stable life and that he hopes I am really pleased with myself).

I don't believe he realises he was abusive. To him it was the perfect marriage. He didn't have to lift a finger with anything or our daughter. If he said jump I would reply "how high". He could sleep whenever he wanted, and never took our daughter out on his own. He withheld intimacy for months on end. And yet, he would pick fault in everything and fly off the handle at the slightest little thing. If he doesn't realise it, then his family certainly don't and I am seen as the bad person.

This is all still such a big part of my life - I wish I could fast forward 5 years, when hopefully the rawness of everything will have subsided. I don't feel I can share this with my current partner as I feel like I would be belittling our relationship, which I do not want to do as he is such a loving and caring man. I don't really do counselling either. I just need to "man up" and stop worrying about what others may think and enjoy my own life. But how do I do that?

"So, why do I still miss my old life?"

Because it wasn't all bad. Few lives rarely are. Even people who get held hostage by terrorists for years find something to laugh about. :) Combine a little nostalgia with a naturally optimistic nature and you can't help seeing the good in a bad situation.

His family were never going to side with you over him realistically and, if they want to ignore you, it's more their loss than yours or your daughter's. One side of my own family has some really horrible (violent, dishonest, you name it) characters and, as a result, we had very little to do with them. I only met one of my grandmothers twice before she died when I was about 40, for example. My other grandmother was fantastic so, to my mind, I didn't lose out, they did.... I think your daughter will grow up feeling the same way.

Do talk to your partner. If he is as loving and caring as you say he won't treat your sadness about this as a personal attack. As for enjoying your own life.... point it in a direction that doesn't include your ex or his family and, in time, you'll get there.

"I am still grieving for my daughter who will grow up without both parents under the same roof, and I guess I harbour a lot of guilt about that."

BTW... your daughter will benefit far more from growing up with one happy parent than she ever would have done growing up with a cold/bullying/emotionally distant father and a miserable peace-maker for a mother. Children model their own adult relationships on their parents' relationship and, by showing her that it is not acceptable to be treated badly, you have greatly improved her chances of not repeating the same unhappy pattern.

I agree with what other posters have written. There is also an element of addiction and excitement involved in this type of relationship. As the partner you get used to constantly striving for the 'high' of when they are attentive and charismatic or whatever. You are also used to coping with the lows of when they are belittling, bullying, withholding etc. And it takes an awful lot of time and energy dealing with all that round the clock.

Once you get out of this type of relationship then life is at first a relief...a huge relief...but then after a while you need to adjust to a calmer, much less rocky and in some ways 'exciting' life. You do need to give yourself time to adjust...and possibly find other ways to get some healthier forms of excitement into your life. Initially I felt I had an awful lot of time on my hands (even though I was working FT, now had kids to myself more or less and had the house to manage on my own)...don't know if you feel the same.

I think when you're used to someone being very controlling it can be slightly daunting to realise just how much freedom and choice you now have. Takes time to adjust to that too. Not surprising you are craving some of the old life - it's what you know and despite being pretty awful in many ways, what you 'feel comfortable' with as in are used to.

You're doing the right thing though. Writing helps me. And talking - to someone you trust who knows that you're doing the right thing. Good luck.

Thank you both. It is great to get the "validation" of what my "normal" thoughts are telling me. I guess it will take more time than I initially thought to overcome everything. Ten years is a long time to be subjected to such a relationship and I guess my current relationship is still very new. I believe things will get better with time and what I have now I will construe as being normal. I will come out of this!

I don't know about you, OP, but I find that I am quite suspicious of my new partner even though he seems to be lovely in all ways. I am almost expecting or pre-empting the kind of shift that I used to see in my ex. Quite difficult to adjust and to think 'ah...he is just a nice guy'...just in case turns out he isn't and I've fallen for another one or he's trying to reel me in before turning into a nightmare. Difficult to achieve that full trust. Will get there though. I'm glad your life is looking up and that you are enjoying spending some time with a nicer guy this time. x

Ten years of manipulation and misery is not offset by 18 months of freedom and happiness. As time goes on the balance will go the other way. You'd do it. Good luck

Lovingfreedom - exactly how I am. We will get that full trust I am sure.

CogitoErgoSometimes - very true indeed. Thank you.

Thanks to everyone for contributing to my post - it just goes to show that what I am going through is completely expected.

Agree with everything said above.
He is still controlling you, and you are still trying to achieve the impossible: his love and approval.
You cannot win either because he has none to give, but you will destroy yourself trying.
Yes, what he did is unbelievably unfair, but you will not get justice - he has no sense of that, either.
What would help you move from him? Running? Swimming? A cookery class? Time spent thinking about other things can form an excellent habit
You say you don't do counseling, but why not give it a go to see?

I don't think that OP's ex is still controlling her although there is some truth in the observation that she may still be trying to achieve his love and approval at times. It sounds to me that generally she is moving on..but has some periods of hesitation and doubt that are entirely natural/to be expected. Agree it's a good idea to do things, time for yourself, relax, breathe, do nothing, do things you like, watch more tv, spend time with your daughter, spend time with new man, whatever you want. x

You are right, I guess I am still trying to achieve his love and affection and at times look for that approval from him to do things (as I had to get his approval for everything when we were together). I guess things don't help as he is never consistent (as was always the case), and I don't know if he is going to be nice or have another go at me for being a failure.

Thanks again for everyone's input. It does help!

Oh...you just reminded me about lack of consistency. I used to [ashamed to admit] try to wear clothes that my ex would like and appreciate. But could never keep up. One day I wore a dress he said 'is that new?' (it wasn't but led on partly to a compliment and partly criticism of spending money as he didn't believe it wasn't new wtf??)...literally, and I'm not exaggerating, the next day I put on the same dress and he said 'oh god, are you still wearing that old thing?'. He's say that I looked gorgeous one day, then next time I wore same outfit [on purpose cos I knew he liked it...I know I know] he'd say 'oh, what are you wearing that for? I thought you would have worn...x, y, or z].