its all falling apart...

[glitternanny]

we have a nearly 6 month old son and im sat on the sofa in tears cos i'm making him miserable, and he's making me misterable - my bloke not my son - my son, our son, is the poor innocent party in all of this.

part of me is wndering why we make him if we argue this much and make each other this miserable?

we've been together 3 and bit years, lived together most of that in my place.

its the way i talk to him, makes him feel like he doesn't want to be around me - cos i talk to him in a bitchy way and i'm constantly bossing him around.

my arguement is that i don't talk to him bitchy - but he can't see beyond the fact he's right - i certainly don't mean to.

and yes I boss him around and ask him to do stuff cos if i didn't - imho - it wouldn't get done.

my mood crashed tonight cos within 10 minutes of walking inthe front door after a day at work he asked if he could have a bj tonight - he barly cuddles/kisses me unless i instigate it - his arguement is that he's not a cuddly kissy kind of person - i feltt like a sex object.

he says things have got worse, i've got worse with my bitching and bossing him around - my pov is now we have a son, we both have to look after him and if I don't ask him to do stuff i end up doing it myself.

he's just had 2 weeks off work and he's had our boy at home with him, i've been asking him for 3 weeks to hoover the two rooms and tiny hallway and the stairs and its still not done. Sicne august last year he's needed to finish our boys bedroom, last week we decided to gget him inhis bedroom this weekend just gone - and its not happened, i nagged enough to go get the curtains. he decided today (last day off) to get the new rail up - and then text me he couldn't do anymor cos he couldn't see the screwdriver, it was buried under the stairs and he couldn't be bothered to get it out cos he had to do x,y & z

I don't know what to do or where to turn, i had been diagnosed with PND but took myself off my tablets cos I thought I was doing OK, i've just taken a double dose.

He'd told me before my birthday in february he was going to buy me an engagement ring. he told me tonight he hadn't done anything about asking me because he wasn't sure he wanted us to get married

its all suchhhh a mess, its all my fault.

sorry.

glitter, stop it, now.

It is NOT all your fault, he's being a dick. is he young? He sounds it, although I've met young men who are not in the slightest bit dicky.

It's too late for me to spell out exactly Why he's being a dick, hopefully someone will soon...but I would say "nag" is a red flag.

Don't marry him. You can do better.

Stop playing around with your meds, please.

Personally I think you're a very cool person.

The priority is to sort yourself out first so get your meds sorted as tall advises. I'm sure you'll feel emotionally stronger once that's in place.

Definitely put any thoughts of marriage on the back burner for the time being.

Go round the house with DP and make a list TOGETHER of the things that clearly need doing around the house whether on a daily basis or as one off. Sit down and discuss who and when these jobs will be completed and make sure you're both in agreement. Put agreed list up on a notice board/ wall and get on with it. Then, if the lazy fucker still doesn't pull his weight then leave the bastard and find someone who can show you some respect.

And by the way, a blow job is not a job to go on said list no matter how much he argues!

he's in his mid 30s.

i wrote a list weeks ago of jobs that needed doing, all the bits that he needs to do have't been touched. most of mine have.

its the way i talk to him tho... that's whats pissing him off.

i was doing OK emotionally and med wise, my pnd score was practically nothing - this is circumstancial not normal. i was enjoying life and my son again.

is it? is it REALLY the way you talk to him, or is it the way he CHOOSES to hear it?

how was everything before DS arrived? before you got pregnant?

apparently its really the way i talk to him - i try and suggest its the way he hears it and i get told im making excuses, worming my way out of it.

i've just started (again) weight watchers for example and wanted to exercise tonight but not with him watching me (tho I go to zumba in front of a group there are 30 women all too busy to watch each other!) so he goes downstairs begrudingly after many many conversations about what i expect him to do and where the baby is gonna be - he can't be in the bedroom cos he has the light on to watch tv, so i try and get the baby to sleep on the sofa, which doesn't work but hey ho he quietly watches me. as i leave the room with bubs to go start my dvd i get don't be too long i don't want to be stuck down here all night - NOT - well done for getting off ur bum and doing something about the 3 stone you gained while pregnant - so I replied - 'just come up whenever' and apparently that's me being bitchy. that was me giving in -i couldn't be bothered to stand my ground anymore.

likewise my text back about the screwdriver saying i'd better find it then- that was apprently being bitchy.

before ds before being pregnant - it was OK - we argued and when we argued they were big ones.... he always threatens to leave, asks if I want him here, asks if i'm having an affair - whcih he did tonight and last night.

i guess i didntm mind doing all the chores then so much - but now the workload has increased.... and childcare - i take our boy to work with me- im very lycky - and its my choice (tho if i couldn't we wouldn've have been able to afford to have him yet) - most of the week, when OH is off (hes on rota) he'lll stay at home but that's only 3/15 days. when i come home i've had him all day, i need to prepare his stuff for the next day and unwind and we need to sort dinner, put the baby to bed give him a last bottle.

sometimes i feel the only rason we are together is cos of the baby - that we should have had him we just both wanted to be parents so much.

The past week or so it feels like all I?ve been doing with regards to DS is telling him off, telling him no ? if he?d done he?s own research and reading about weaning he?d know rather than relying on me all the time. I wonder how long it would take him to buy him new clothes/sleeping bag if I didn?t do it. I went mental when OH gave DS a bit of our salty, buttery, peppery mash potato ? was that being unreasonable? I don?t like how much tv OH lets DS watch I think its being just lazy, its not eduucational at 6months old,he's not learning anything from it jsut because oH learnt all sorts from discovery. I don?t like that he puts fruit squash into Ds water, cos he likes it.

am i being a control freak cos its my job?

WOW!! Honey, listen up! Nothing you have said AT ALL sounds like you being bitchy or control freaky!!

He is being a dick and the things he is accusing you of are completely ungrounded.

You sound so lovely and caring, I don't know why he wants to grind you down, what's very worrying though is how he is making you believe it's all your fault, when from EVERYTHING you've written you are doing absolutely NOTHING wrong!

Your DS should not have been given that mashed potato,he shouldn't be given squash and he shouldn't be left to just watch TV. On top of that, as I said before, nothing you have said or done is bitchy or control freaky AT ALL!

Ds shouldn't be having salty mash and squash at 6 mths. Your OH sounds like a lazy, selfish arse. And you're right about the telly too. Do get your meds sorted though.

Woah, hold your horses!

DP is being an eejit. You have a 6 month old - you know what's best and he doesn't. But sometimes you have to just not react to things and just say nothing - let him give ds the mash, he won't like it, it won't kill him - if it keeps the peace, let it happen. But detaching in this way is very very hard. You say you are too tired to keep standing your ground - I can understand that completely, it is exhausting and you don't need it.

I suggest that you detach as quickly and as much as possible. That will give you a neutral ground from which you can see what's really going on. It may be that the accusations and arguments just stop - but it may be that he will start to pick on you again. Either way you won't know until you completely stop rising to his bait. I'm not saying you should ignore him because that would be seen as provocative too - just step back and be passive. If you can't do your exercise classes at home, do them elsewhere or just tell him you're going out for a power walk, hand the caring to him for an hour.

I have no idea what your DP is playing at but it doesn't sound good from here. All I know is that after years and years of standing my ground all I remember is years and years of arguments, conflict, in front of dcs. They could have done without it really. So don't rise to the bait. It is likely that your relationship will fail and you will separate, but until you let go of him and stop reacting he will not be able take responsibility for his actions - at the moment you are the 'reason' for his actions (so he's saying - we all know better than that though). Good luck.

What a prize prawn he is.

Also, expect him to do exactly nothing in the home. It will be hard, but just get on with everything yourself, even the curtain hanging. Just don't get him involved in anything. It's very empowering. He will soon find himself standing around like a spare part wondering WTF he is doing there at all.

In many ways, doing all the work is easier than having the arguments about doing the work.

the danger is he will also feel empowered, and enjoy not doing anything. To then turn around and ask him to do something will be very passive aggressive having done everything yourself

Is there any way you can both go out together for couple time to reconnect? It sounds like you could both do with a break. Having a 6 month old is exhausting. I'm sorry you are feeling so down, it sounds like you are both really stressed out and that as a result communication has broken down. I'm not making excuses for him but if the time he had off was the first extended time he'd had the baby it is concievable that he was adjusting to the fact that babies are demanding and was maybe struggling to multi-task. Some Dads aren't great at reading up on things and while it shouldn't just be up to you maybe you could try to introduce the information into conversation so he doesn't feel like you're having a go and switch off. Don't be too hard on yourselves, a lot of relationships suffer after having a baby and it's easy to get into a pattern of snapping at each other. Maybe try complimenting him and seeing if he starts to be nicer to you. I know it again shouldn't be down to you but sometimes taking the high road works wonders. I hope it gets better for you soon.

banana - of course it would be passive aggressive to then ask - that's why you don't ask. In a proper relationship you offer to help out - you muck in, you just get on with stuff. If he doesn't offer, he's not worth hanging on for.

Throw this arsehole man out and your PND will instantly improve. An amazingly large amount of 'depression' in women is actually a matter of living with shitbag men and being drugged into accepting shitty treatment because, after all, a woman can't function without a male owner. It's bullshit. Single women are statistically a lot happier than partnered women.

That's one way of putting it, Solid

I just lost a very important post about bouncy's recommendation that OP should try complimenting him.

Try complimenting him? I'd brain him and put my boot up his arse.

As for him asking if he can 'have a blowjob tonight' within minutes of you getting in the door after work, such grossly offputting crassness deserves only one response - 'of course you can, petal, just as long as you understand that'the way I'm feeling, it's highly probable that I'll bite the fucker off'

!

Why warn him?

Single women are statistically a lot happier than partnered women

I'd agree with that.

Warning him of the possibility of him becoming a dickless dick if he insists on a bj will be of immense help to the OP's defence should her involuntary action be the subject of a trial, fingers.

It could mean the difference between a suspended sentence and a medal for services to womankind

izzy!

Mih... I quite liked bouncy's post. It does sound like OP is being a little PFB.

What is the point in constantly and pointlessly sniping at each other?

It sounds as though although you were both desperate to be parents you never discussed what parenting meant to each of you and are now pulling against each other rather than together. I think you need to have a sit down talk about it.

The BJ comment was ridiculous though, that is offensive.