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Original poster

Husband wont stop smoking

27 replies

ruthymum · 16/05/2012 20:28

My husband smoked for years & when we met I said I never wanted to be with someone who smoked. We fell in love, but he knew he would have to quite & said he wanted to. We got married & I thought he had stopped until going through security his bags got checked and they pulled out fags, I was crushed. He had many periods of being a smoker and being a non smoker over the years and he often lied to me about having quit only for me to discover he hadn't. We have had many rows about smoking & I feel it has had a really negative impact on us as a couple because it takes him so long to say sorry when he is caught out. We were trying for our first baby & I said I really wanted him to stop as it was taking longer than I had hoped, but mostly for the health of the baby & him. He didn't stop. I got pregnant & we were thrilled. I explained how now that we were becoming parents our responsibilities to this little one were going to be huge and life changing. We needed to everything to protect the little one & that included stopping smoking, he said he would and knew it was important so he would stop before the baby was born. He didn't. Our baby was beautiful & healthy and I was so pleased but also so crushed that my husband did not find us important enough to stop smoking for. Our relationship suffered, there was a lot of tension, I thought he didn't care even though he was a loving Dad and gave me a lot fo help, I ended up with PND and deep down I knew that it mostly came about by how we were. I pleaded with him to stop. Eventually I got him to go to the doctor and he managed to come off the fags using a drug perscribed by the doctor. I was so pleased and proud of him, I even said he could get a moterbike (something I wasn't happy about, bbut he said it would keep him off the cigs). We had another baby and things seemed ok, he had been off the cigs for over a year so I changed our critial illness cover and Family income protection plan for two non smokeres (we pay a lot of money into these each month so our little ones will be looked after if we get v.ill/die). Then about 2 months ago I smell smoke on him, I ask him is he smoking again, he lies and says no, then I got closer and my worst nightmares were confirmed. We had a huge row, i refused to say sorry, said it was my fault because we have been going through a hard time (who doesn't raising two kids & working full time?)I slept on the sofa and eventually the next day I dragged an apology out of him. I told him to get real, we have kids now and to sort his act out, he simply had to do whatever it took to stop. Two months have past & he hasn't stopped. What do I do. I just think he has deceived me too many times & I have been perhaps too understanding and easy on him. Thinking about the kids, if anything was to happen to him the boys would get nothing as the policies were taken out when he had stopped.Aaaah. What do I do with this mess? Advice please:(

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/05/2012 20:43

Would you be prepared to leave him over it?
And not as an ultimatum. Right now.

If not, accept that he is a smoker and stop pushing him.
It's not healthy for the relationship.

To quit he has to have a strong inner motivation, and it won't be you telling him to that's going to work.

Ps I've never smoked and would hate a smoker husband, but in the grand scheme of things, there are worse traits.

lemonstartree · 16/05/2012 20:51

my goodness you sound very passive aggressive. You tell him he has to stop but yu marry him, have children with him even though you know he smokes. If this is a dealbreaker it should have BEEN a dealbreaker....but it wasn't was it.

honestly you sound controlling and rather unreasonable.

Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 20:53

At times I wish I was strong enough to leave him because of how cheated I feel and how all this is making me feel, but I am not in that place & I think we have a chance of working things out.
The problem is 'inner motivation', something that he really lacks unless it is something he is interested in. I just can not understand how he can risk so much with a family & be prepared to lie to me. It has really hurt me but it doesn't seem to bother him.
I know there are worse things but I harbour so much resentment it is crippling and therefore affecting our relationship.
Sometimes I just want to say choose us or smoking!

OP posts:
Inadeeptrance · 16/05/2012 20:55

You can't MAKE him stop smoking, and the more you make it into a massive issue, the less chance there is of him stopping. It is an addiction, he has to really want to stop.

It sounds like the problems in your marriage are down to your reactions to him smoking, not the smoking itself.

Either accept him as he is, or leave him. You knew he was a smoker when you married him.

Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 20:57

Well he promised me he would stop when he got engaged and then led me to believe he had stopped, this has happened many times. i have done the totally understanding thing, I have hepled him through many alternative treatments to help him. We even got totally healthy- nutrition & fitness, all to help his outlook on life and his body.
I probably stupidly thought that he would stop for his kids even if not for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:00

When I married him he was not a smoker (or so I thought) I only found out he had been lying to me in the airport heading on our honeymoon when we went through security. So no, i thought he had left that behind him.
If it was just us as a couple i could accept it, but perhaps I am expecting too much thinking that kids make a difference.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/05/2012 21:12

I think you are being incredibly controlling. He doesnt smoke in front of you, it isnt illegal, and to be so resentful is probably doing worse for your health than a few cigs is for his.

If you were to split over this, he would still be able to see his child, and he would still smoke. So you would have gained nothing, and lost a decent husband.

Even if you were both non-smokers, your child could still grow up to be a smoker.. would you disown them if they did?

NoMoreMarbles · 16/05/2012 21:15

When I met my DH he smoked. I told him I didn't want to marry a smoker when he asked me a few months later. He didn't give up until I found out I was pregnant with DD. I told him he was no longer allowed to smoke near me and had to stay away for 20 mins after a smoke. I gave him a date to quit on and stuck to my guns. It was OUR HEALTH or HIS ADDICTION if he chose the addiction over his fiancée and baby (and his own) health... Well he can go and live elsewhere. Bottom line. My DDs health is paramount and I WILL put her above all else. He gave up and hasnt smoked for 7years in July.

If you feel so strongly then enough of the sappy supportive wife- its not working. Get tough and stick to your guns. Anyone who is prepared to lie and put an addiction first needs tough love IMO

MrsApplepants · 16/05/2012 21:17

As an ex smoker myself, (stopped 10 years ago no lapses since) I think the only way for a smoker to quit for good is to want, badly, to do it for themselves, not to try to do it for someone else. I know it sounds heartless, but he will only stop when he wants to for himself, not for you or your DC. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known (there are still times when I have the odd craving, even after all this time) and only when he is ready will he be able to manage the incredibly difficult life change of quitting. The craving for nicotine makes a person illogical and selfish even when they know the risks etc.

Making it into such a huge issue clearly hasnt worked, tell him never to smoke in your DC's presence or yours and give him a copy of Alan Carr's easy way book and accept it. Dont know what else to suggest.

Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:21

He has two Alan Carr's books and he has read most of them. I wish I could do the tough love, I have tried everything else and nothing has worked.

OP posts:
doormat · 16/05/2012 21:23

as an ex smoker i found it very diffucult to quit....5 mths down the line...i had one because i was stressed out ..1 led to another...i am now in the middle of another attempt to give up and i can honestly say it is very hard....my dh smokes whilst i am giving up...but i dont resent him....i have to remind him that i dont want to smell it...

what i find odd about your post is 2 months down the line you smelt it on him...even when i havent had a fag in a day, i can smell other ppl who smoke very strongly as they pass in tesco, let alone share the same bed, etc.....

also stop stressing him out..it will only make him reach for that packet of ciggies...nothing worse than stress when trying to give up....

Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:28

I can go so long and not say anything, and I try to not let it bother me, I have even tried not caring about it because why should I if he doesn't:(

OP posts:
NoMoreMarbles · 16/05/2012 21:30

Stop saying I wish I could and stand up for what you want. (sorry I'm tough loving you a bit tooBlush) either you want it enough to stand up for it or you don't. If you don't then it's a non issue and you need to get over it.

Trying to force him by being passive aggressive about it has clearly not worked for years so being openly frank about your feelings and what you want to happen and by what time/date is the next step IMO

Beckamaw · 16/05/2012 21:34

Has he tried electric cigarettes? Not the ridiculous disposable things, the rechargeable ones with nicotine liquids?
They don't contain noxious chemicals except nicotine. They don't smell. They are not harmful to others. They are also quite gadgety, which can be fun.
My DP struggled so hard to quit and in the end he succeeded with these.
He most recently upgraded to the Ego-C type. Have a google and see what you think.
It's a decent compromise,. It's cheaper, less harmful to him, not harmful to DCs, legal indoors, doesn't stink.

Worth a try?

bookbird · 16/05/2012 21:34

You are in the reverse position to me. Smoked when I met DH, he gave me an ultimatum and I stopped. Stopped and started more times than I care to remember (although I managed 5 years).

I just started again a fortnight ago (under huge personal and professional stress). DH is VERY annoyed with me and is pulling loads of stunts, like cutting up half a packet of cigarettes.

I'm not proud of myself, but I'd never smoke in front of DCs and I need his support, not recriminations. I suppose what I'm trying to say is unless you've been a smoker, you don't understand the daily battle. I can appreciate how disappointed you might feel, but I think you need to support your DH to develop a strategy towards stopping. It's what I'd like from my DH.

Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:35

I have no problem in talking to him about how it all makes me feel, he says very little back, he does say he wants to quit but doesn't have a plan, I have said I can't tolerate it longterm. He also expects he to cover for him from his family as they still think he is still a non smoker!
I did say that if he doen't quit soon I'm no longer going tocover for him ,why should I. He is embaressed that he is smoking again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:38

Thank- you everyone, I really value being able to talk about this. Bookbird, I like the way you have placed a different slant on it, I am going to totally bear that in mind. I just get so fustrated and I am so hurt too. It really saddens me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ruthymum · 16/05/2012 21:40

Oh yes, please keep the advice coming, I really apreciate it, I'm feeling a little better:)

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 16/05/2012 21:43

I'm another ex-smoker. You cannot give up and stay given up unless you want to. I think you dont understand how addictive smoking is. You are asking something huge of him - this isnt like asking him to stop biting his nails.

Legitimately you can insist that he doesnt smoke and changes into smoke free clothes in the home around the DCs. You can insist that he goes to the bottom of the garden to smoke (and washes/changes afterwards).

bookbird · 16/05/2012 21:46

I'm so ashamed of myself. Maybe your DH is too? When my DH gets all confrontational and ranty though, I feel backed into a corner and smoke to spite him (if that makes sense).

If my DH was kind, supportive and understanding, it would probably shame me further and prompt me to stop more quickly.

Hope it works out for you, cigarettes are evil!

Mother2many · 16/05/2012 21:47

You can't force him to stop...

My STBXH quit together...as it saves us soo much money. Then I found out he was secretively smoking, and would blame co-workers etc. on the smell. During my pregnancies the smell made me vomit... I could no longer kiss him, and it was terrible!!! We faught over this soo many times. I regret it now.

He will only quit when he is ready too... Ending a relationship or pushing them away because of it, is a bad reason.... jmho.

doormat · 16/05/2012 22:02

bookbird dont be too hard on yourself ...its only a teeny relapse xxx

bookbird · 16/05/2012 22:11

Thanks doormat, I'm off out the back garden for my last fag Blush, tomorrow is another day! Best of luck with quitting!

doormat · 16/05/2012 22:13

thx you too sweetheart x

MushroomSoup · 16/05/2012 22:35

No wonder he can't quit under all that pressure!
My story is the same ad yours.
Stop when we get married...
Stop when I get pregnant...
Stop when the baby's born....starts school!
In the end, I got over it. He's an adult. He's a very considerate smoker and he's a fantastic husband and dad. This is just not a big enough deal for me to lose him over.

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