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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I shake this crush?

9 replies

Stripey99 · 16/05/2012 18:15

I am happily married, have one dd, 14 and things are fine at home. However in 2010 I started studying at a local college to gain better qualifications to get a better job etc.

Within a few weeks of the course starting I started to develop feelings for my tutor which I thought were just a silly crush as he was really helpful, kind and considerate and really knows his onions about the subject I am learning. He is married, slightly younger than me and european. Over the last 12 months tho, the feelings have changed from being just a crush to being quite obsessed with him.

At the moment, all i think about is HIM, i keep asking him questions via email just so I can see his name come up in my inbox. I took a picture of him on my phone and must look at it every ten minutes during the day. Recently I approached a company near his home (ten minutes near) for a job and was offered it which starts in September.

He has no idea (I hope), but it is taking over my life. I can barely concentrate on the course anymore because he is in my mind all the time.

I know it is a crush but really feel I am in danger of making a fool of myself should i have a mad moment and tell him, or say something really stupid like "i fancy you".

Some days I just cry because the feelings have become so intense and i hate it.

How do i get over a crush? I am desperate and my husband would be shocked if he knew how i felt. :(

OP posts:
Leverette · 16/05/2012 18:27

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MadameOvary · 16/05/2012 18:32

Is this compensating for something in your life? This sort of fixation usually is.
If you REALLY want to stop this you'll have to delete the photo from your phone and at least cut down the emails. This does sound quite extreme though and I agree that some help might be needed here from a counsellor.

lumbago · 16/05/2012 18:32

how much time do you actually spend together? surely these often wear off when you see someone with a booger or making a shit joke.

Stripey99 · 16/05/2012 18:33

well one thing I have done today is delete the photo and contacted the company who offered me the job to tell them I can no longer do it. I feel better already!

This really is horrible, have never felt like this before. One thing a close friend mentioned is that just before my feelings became intense i had a bereavement and it could be my emotions going very haywire. I do need to talk to someone about bereavement as i dont really think i coped well, and now this crush is just taking over my life.

OP posts:
NimpyWindowmash · 16/05/2012 18:42

I had a spate of inappropriate crushes around the time my Dad was terminally ill and then after he died. Psychotherapy helped me sort it out, although it took quite some time I'm afraid.
What is your relationship like with your DH? Is it lacking some of the care that you are looking for from the tutor?

Stripey99 · 16/05/2012 18:57

Psychotherapy may be what i need. The person that passed away last year was young and they suffered terribly which was very traumatic just as it must have been for you NimpyWindowmash. The silly thing is I could get on better with the tutor if I didnt just sit there giggling every week like some ridiculous school girl, I would probably be doing better on the course. Oh god! On top of this have lost a lot of weight this year (2 stone) and am a mess. I think that this is all linked to the bereavement. i am going to get to the doctors tomorrow and get referred i think. Thank you mumsnetters xxxxxx

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 17/05/2012 01:22

Stripey you are very brave to tackle this head-on. Please don't beat yourself up about the crush, it is, IMHO, simply the way your psyche chose to deal with painful feelings. However you knew that it was out of character for you and you are clearly pretty grounded to seek advice this way.

Well done for taking action. Please think about something to replace it though, something that makes you feel good and reinforces that you deserve to be treated well.
All the best x

Leverette · 17/05/2012 10:00

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 17/05/2012 10:18

Good luck at the doctors. Really strong and inappropriate feelings like this, especially based on nothing more than seeing someone doing their job, are usually just a symptom of other stuff in your life going wrong. You're doing a really good thing for yourself, your husband and your daughter by confronting this head on.

How much longer is the course going on? Is there any chance of transferring to another place?

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