Need help staying away from a Very Bad Man

[Becky36]

Will try and keep this as brief as possible.

My exb from a couple of years ago has been in contact with me (turned up at my house) after he heard through the grapevine that my brother had died two weeks ago. This ex is very, bad news. You name it he did it, pathological lying, signing up for loads and loads of dating sites, trying to borrow money against my house, playing the most horrendous mind games etc. It's far too long to go into here.

It took me a long, long time to get over this man and even now I sometimes feel like if I had done things differently then it could have worked (even typing this is making me realise how stupid I am). I had never, ever felt about anyone the way I felt about him, not even the man I married, and I felt that if I tried harder then everything would be ok. It obviously wasn't ok and I ended up dumping him when I realised that he just could not tell the truth.

So now he's back and I feel so low and upset at the moment. I have got loads of wonderful friends who are so amazing and supportive but I still feel very alone. I want to tell him to piss off and mean it but I just can't. Pathetic isn't it?

Can someone, anyone, tell me what an absolute idiot I'm being?

You don't need anyone to tell you that :) Passions leave legacies, even when you've hitched your wagon to a complete arse. Nostalgia being what it is, we tend to forget the more painful memories. Turning up at your house when he knows you are at a low ebb - and sorry about your brother - is proof that he's still into the 'horrendous mind game' thing. Don't engage with him, even on a superficial level, even to say piss off. Ignore him completely and he will crawl back under his rock.

Under no circumstances allow yourself to be alone with him. Keep talking to RL friends and family and make sure they all know/remember the reasons you split up.

What do you mean he's back?

Practice telling him not to contact you again for a week and then do it.

Sorry to hear that you've lost your brother - that must leave you feeling very raw and vulnerable.

I think you know the answer to your problem; this man is no good for you (or anyone else!). Don't really understand why you can't just say, 'piss off' to him, but failing that, what about saying nothing at all?

You could remain neutral and not engage with him in any way - which actually might make it harder for him to strike up a renewed relationship with you, than if you were to attempt to respond to him...which inevitably leads to explanations...and so on.

Try to spend time with people you know you can rely on at this difficult time. It's maybe the sort of thing people mean when they offer to help when someone has died; ie not just about cooking a hot meal for you, but supporting you emotionally so that you feel an inner core of resilience to help you recover.

I hope you can find the strength to resist him - you know you really should!

Was there not a thread on here recently about the fact that you feel a 'jolt' with some people isn't true love or overwhelming attraction - it's your body sending messages of FEAR!!

I suspect that you are getting attraction mixed up with the adrenaline rush of your body wanting to take flight away from this horrific man!

Kirsty - yes I saw that one. I quite often lurk on the threads about emotionally abusive men just to remind me what they are like and how manipulative they can be (although this doesn't seem to be working at the moment).

It's hard to explain, my head is going ARE YOU BLOODY MENTAL? to even be speaking to him but there is a part of me that doesn't have either the willpower or strength to say bugger off and don't come back. I really, really loved this man, even though he quite obviously didn't love me.

Are you still married Becky?

Just think about how miserable he would make your life and 'Just say No!' .. It's all about exerting YOUR will ... YOU are in control!!

xx

No I wasn't married to him, I was married to someone else and had divorced before I met him.

That's exactly the problem. At the moment my willpower is zero.

I gathered you were married to someone else it just wasn't clear if that still was the case

Find some way to keep busy and keep you out of his way and your mind occupied until he goes away .. the next time it will be easier (if there is one)

Becky, what would your brother say if he knew you were playing with fire ?

Those jolts last for years, sometmies decades.

If he comes round again, tell him you don't want to see him again, then next time don't even answer the door. Bastard, he knows you'll be upset because of your brother & thinks you might weaken, but he's self-justifying by telling himself he's there to support you. He isn't, he's there for you to support him.
Sorry to hear about your brother.

If you had managed to get off heroin, or stopped alcoholic drinking, then something awful happened like your brother dying - what would be your strongest urge? Yep, even though you knew it could kill you and was guaranteed to devastate your life, the old addiction would rise up to take advantage of your distress. Addictions tell lies; so do malicious exes.

If you were in a recovery fellowship, you'd answer that urge by calling on fellow members to keep your thoughts busy and your feelings positive. You can do the same by rallying your friends, calling Womens Aid and making use of Samaritans if it happens to be the middle of the night.

Don't beat yourself up for being 'weak'! Just accept that the bad old bastard has turned up to take advantage of your weakened (not 'weak') state, and turn to your sources of resistance.

Totally agree with staying away from him. Dont even enter into a conversation with him because its giving him an opening to start communication up with you. Dont tell him to piss of, if he turns up again get in touch with the police and have them pay him a visit, its harrassment! Men like him are so clever and manipulative that he would find a way into your heart again. You deserve a happy life, he makes you miserable.

You have done so well to break free from him, its such a hard thing todo and takes so much strength and courage. Is he a drainer or a radiator? Stay away from people who drain you, especially at the moment.

Seek strength from friends and know not having anything to do with him is completely the right thing for you. Be kind to yourself.

Your brother has just died
You are vulnerable
Your exb is preying on you

Google "Stockholm syndrome" and "hysterical bonding". Sometimes the worse someone is for us, the more we're drawn to them. It's not healthy, but it's not unusual either. And what garlic said about addiction. And what everyone else said!

Thank you for all of your supportive messages. I know exactly what he is doing, he is very, very manipulative.

AF - if my brother knew about this he would give me a massive bollocking for even speaking to my ex. My brother hated him.

He has been texting me but I haven't replied. All of the texts are along the lines of , I'm really worried about you, I can't stop thinking about you etc etc.

I did really well when I got rid of him, deleted his number and all call logs and messages from my phone so there was no chance of any text messages or calls when I felt like I wanted to contact him. Deleted his email address from my work pc (never emailed him from home). Made sure I drove a different way to work so I wouldn't see him walking back from the train station on a daily basis.

I don't know where my willpower has gone and I can't explain why I feel the way I feel. I know he is an arse in my head but it seems the feelings that I had for him haven't entirely gone away yet.

You have free will

use it

has he a gun to your head ?

Carry on ignoring him

He's a sneaky, sly little man trying to creep back into your life while he knows that your normal defenses are down. He wants to take advantage. A good person would text you once offering their condolences and would allow you to decide whether or not to reply- someone like him texts you over and over hoping to wear you out until you eventually reply. He shows up at your house hoping you will let him in. It's selfish behaviour during a difficult time for you when you're thinking about your brother. and HE is trying to make it about him and you (or more likely, what he wants).

He is not trying to be there for you, he is using that as a cover. He is sanitising his behaviour by making out that he just wants to see if you are okay.

You are feeling low at the moment.You are looking for some of the feelings you had when you were with him, not actually him.
Look after yourself and keep being surrounded by people that really care about you.

Would writing a list of every single shitty thing he did to you help?