what would you feel?

[liverLadyLass]

as I feel Ive been kept in the dark and basicly lied too,
I slept in the spare room last night also,
I just need an honest opinion,

my DH's brother for a while has borrowed money from my DH, he rents our house, is employed by my DH, and through problems getting the rent and money owed to us we decided DH wasn't going to help him out anymore with money,

my bil phones DH up last night and asked for more money,
I'd asked DH what did he mean more money?
he then had said that he gave his bro £40?
and he was then asking for more, my DH told him that he didn't have any more to give him and his brothers response was that he thought he was a good brother but know realises that he's nothing but a dick and always has been,

I then find out that after getting the money owed to us previously that we finally gotten bk,
and after promising me he wouldn't lend him anymore,
I find out that he again owes us over five hundred and hasn't been paying the rent to us on the house and hasn't been for a while!
so I fe my DH has lied to me,
but also a few months ago, he'd had a go at me for spending money on beauty products for myself and told me I wasn't to buy anything like that for a while, and cut bk on food shopping etc, which I have done, no problem as he was finding it hard,
that was fine,
but now I know why, because his bro owes us so much,
when I told his priorities were all wrong that he has a go at me then gives money away to his brother who calls him for everything, takes the piss of him and puts guilt trips on him by using his one year old son to get what he wants from him, I was told my brother was worse than his so shut up basicly,
I feel so angry and hurt tbh,
how could he go bk on what we agreed on knowing what he was doing,?
his brother called him for everything last night because he couldn't give him more money,
they spend more than they get in and I was tired of him bailing him out, and we were left stuck,
is it just me over reacting? or am I in the right to feel hurt and angry by my DH and after what he said to me?

You're not overreacting and you've called it about right, I'd say. Your DH is giving into his sponging, offensive brother, letting him off paying the rent owed, lying to you about it in order to hide the truth, and then leaving you short. His priorities are totally wrong and whatever your brother has done, two wrongs don't make a right. Your DH is probably embarrassed at being caught out for being so spineless and that's why he's reacting aggressively. He knows he's been a mug. If I called my employer names for not lending me money he'd sack me on the spot...

In your shoes I'd want the brother, sacked, evicted, sued for the cash and get some new tenants that actually pay the rent and a new employer that doesn't sponge or chuck insults. Your DH probably isn't going to do any of those things. Pathetic.

hi cog, thanks for replying,
does this also mean that his priorities are to his brother and not his family?
is he also putting his brother and his family and needs before ours?

I've learned that from my mil that my DH has sacked his brother and has given him a month to find himself a job,
I'm glad he's sacked him but that still does not make me feel any better,
I've always explained what his brother was doing to him, and gave him advice, it's like he's shrugged it off like I was over reacting,
I feel really hurt and kicked in the stomach
where do I go from here?

I'd say that if your DH has already sacked BIL that's a good start. Yes, he was putting his brother above his immediate family, covering for him by lying, and that's always a recipe for disaster. Family obligations & loyalties are often very difficult to break and, even when your nearest and dearest are telling you that your brother is a freeloader, there's always the temptation to think 'I'll just give him one more chance'. I think your DH realises he's been taken for a ride, made some really serious errors of judgement and, unless there is a lot else wrong in the relationship that you haven't said here, I would ease off on 'I told you so' and let him get this horrible man out of his life.

DH's family isn't asian, is it?

no, not Asian
Scottish,
I've not said, I've told you so, I was just shocked by his reaction to me,
I felt how dare he,
his brother is 24, has a girlfriend and son, they spend money that they don't have and think because we have a business that we are flowing in it, which is completely not right, we are struggling to and just moved businesses which cost a fortune,
higher bills etc,
I'm so angry with him, I can't even talk to him, I'm staying in the spare room again tonight

I'd be furious too.

But, try to have an adult conversation with him, when you have both cooled out, and discuss the plan for dealing with your BIL.
You should be involved at every step, because it's your family's finances.

He seems to be on the right track, but he should not be doing anything regardless of you anyway.

What will happen if he lies again about this subject?

And what will happen if his DB doesn't find a job? (which is an unreasonable demand, btw, as he may not be able to find one. It should be about paying the rent)

hi lueji, thanks for replying,
this is what I'm know thinking, what if in a months time and no job? is he then going to say' but he can't find a job huni and he has a family to provide for again?
an I going to be lied to again?
can I trust him to tell me?
he says he doesn't tell me as I get furious about it, about his brother,
so it's my fault he lies??
I'm in no way in a position to speak to him or his precious brother, ATM
I'm so angry I'd end up arguing with him.
I'm off to a housing department I'm going to talk to them about them dealing with the renting of our home,
they take the rent and check it every three months, my home is also a mess, they have decked it,
my DH reaction to it is, they'll just need to give it bk the way they got it, lol
that doest fix the tiles that has been broken in the bathroom which is only four year old,,
the kitchen draws r broken and the wallpaper is ripped, and it's bogging,
my garden is over run with weeds, as tall as my dd,
does my DH honestly think they are going to bother giving it bk the way it was given? lol
I've just asked him if he's coming home for dinner, he's said it'll be better if he works late? hang on a min am I in his bad books lol
he's not even apologised for lieing,

so

Why not tackle the brother directly? Fair enough you're annoyed with DH for being gullible and/or frightened of your reaction, but the brother is the main source of the problems and maybe if you confront him, it will have the desired effect.

Bloody hell, if I were in your shoes I would be making sure I was getting my house back, if him and his girlfriend can not afford to raise their child they should have thought of that before they had a child.

It is not up to your husband and you to bail them out, and clearly not appreciated as he went off on one when he was told no more money was coming his way.

I've always been told by DH to leave it to him, his family his problem kind of thing,
but I think confronting him myself would not be a bad idea,

the letting housing was closed half day do I'll see them tomorrow and put the process in motion, and that will give me reason also to see and confront him too,

I feel sorry for DH as well as being peed of with him,
I feels sorry that his brother after everything he does for him is thrown it back in his face, there is no thank you,kiss my backside or nothing, just what else r u giving me?
I think his girlfriend also has to be confronted as I think she also gives him the tools to fire,
I had even taken there son yesterday to help them, I didn't give him bk untill 6:30,
so I'm a mug too,

see she also gives her mum and siblings money to ‘help them out'
but they never pay them bk, I wonder if that's were there money is going?
and the fact she goes to bingo three times a week does not help, why does she not pack that in and save there money?
I really do not understand people sometimes?

I'm a lot calmer know, went to get some calms from the shop and it's seemed to do the trick,

I'm making a prediction, and I bet my life on it, he will not make an effort to get a job, and he'll still be there come next month.

hi rab, thank for your comment,,
this is what I explain to DH, that we are not responsible to look after db and his family that's there own job,,
my DH reaction to that is he wouldn't see him stuck, so I've no where to go from that really,

well my DH has still not came home,
don't even know were he is?
he was supposed to be doing our ds homework with him tonight as its a project, ds phoned him to ask if he was coming home, he'd said he'll do it with him tomorrow?

so it's certainly the spare room for me tonight for sure again.
all I want is an apology?

I think the idea of dealing with BIL yourself is quite good.

It is much harder for family members to be tough on each other and if your BIL is a younger brother it's even worse.

Ex told me at some point even though now I suspect it could well be a lie that two of his brothers owed him money but never paid. I was the one who brought the issue up once when a SIL was basically trying to get ex to give his DB something that had been a gift from his mother and expensive too.
Near them ex seems very meek and good natured.

Is he home yet?

Can you reach him on the phone?

TBH I actually feel for your DH in all this. He has been between a rock and a hard place. I know how torn I would feel if I had to juggle the needs of my DH and my DB. Maybe he's staying away because he's embarrassed, feels he's let you down and doesn't know what to say to put it right? I think that you just need to talk about this and not make it into a competition between you and DB.
Can't you bring yourself to give him a hug and acknowledge he was trying to do what he thought best BUT it was wrong not to include you and stick by what you'd agreed etc etc? I think there's a way forward here and taking it personally might help - he was trying to help DB, he wasn't trying to piss you off, even though it might feel like it!
Hope that makes sense.
I'm not saying he hadn't been a fuckwit dick, I'm just saying I don't think he meant to hurt you.

Doh! I meant NOT taking it personally of course!

hi guys,
we've talked,
did what you suggested mushroom, thanks,
explained how him being chicken hearted makes me protective of him when people abuse that quality of his,and this is why I reacted the way I did, and that I knew he was embarrassed by it,
but he shouldnt be, that his bro should be,
I explained I was hurt by him defending his brother after what he did to him, and that his priorities were wrong and he needed to understand they were,
he said he was sorry and he didn't think,
I said I will try and be more calmer and approachable,
after propper explaining how we both felt,
were ok,
thanks for your support ladies,
it's worked out the way I'd hoped,
I'm away to organise the letting agency and let them deal with them directly,
I won't ask them to leave for the baby's benifit and I'll explain that is the only reason why they are not looking for somewhere else to live also,
and I will deal with bil directly and effectively,
thank you for your support x

Glad to be of service

It's nice to hear of something that can be resolved without having to split up!