My split from other half but still love him!

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Hi everyone. I?m new on here but could really do with some advice.

My ex partner and I split up last week due to him becoming violent whilst our daughters were present.

We were together for nearly six years. About 12 months into the relationship he began to become possessive and paranoid. He never actually told me I wasn't allowed to do things but that?s how he made me feel. I cannot remember the last time I went out socialising without him. At around the same time he began to become violent whilst drunk. He has never actually punched me or ?beat? me but her would push me around, throw things at me, grip me, pin me down or stop me from leaving. The next morning when he had sobered up I would accept his apologies and put it all down to the beer. The first so many times I would not retaliate but when I got used to this behaviour and if I was drunk I would push him back or kick him between the legs. (I was never a violent person before then). This as a result stopped me drinking. I realised if I was sober I could maybe control the situation, which did sometimes work.

As the relationship continued and as I continued to stay sober so did the drunken violence. Each time he went out drinking I would hope he came home in a good mood or hope id be in bed. He would often come home accusing me of cheating on him and fly into a range, pushing me and calling me horrible names. A few times we have ?split up? and got back together due to the promises he made me- Im sorry, I didn?t realise what I was doing, it was the drink, I will never drink shots again, I will never hurt you again, if I go out I will only have a couple. He would keep his promises for a few week then things would go back to normal. The last time he did this before the split I promised him if he ever did it again I would press charges against him.

The day we split I had been out shopping and when I returned he wasn?t at home and didn?t have his mobile. I knew he?d be out drinking. When he did eventually come home, he was drunk and started accusing me. He pushed me a few times and gripped me. I punched him in the arm and kicked him between the legs. All this happened in front of the children. So when I got out of the house I rang the police and pressed charges. He is now bailed to his mums and not allowed to contact me.

I?ve gone 2 week without him now and feel so awful. I miss him like crazy. I feel like I am grieving for him as if he is dead. I have no motivation and feel depressed. I am constantly thinking about him. When we had good times they were so good and that?s all I seem to think about. I know the relationship was not healthy for us or the children but I just cant seem to get over the split. I don?t really have any friends and those I do have, are friends of his and seems to me they have took sides. What should I do???

Thank you in advance for any advice.

Stay strong.
You gave him a boundary, keep on enforcing it.

Are you able to afford a book? Lundy Bancroft. He works with abusive men (sorry your man is an abuser). He says: it has nothing to do with childhood, alcohol, drugs. The problem with abusive men is the way they think, their attitude. They CANNOT be loved, understood better.

And they need to be challenged on the way they think, which is what you did. You called the police. The police, courts will tell him 'this is unacceptable'.

So don't back down. And yes, you are grieving. Something died. Your hopes, your wishes for how love should be. It is dead, and it needs mourning. But stay strong.

Absolutely stay strong. Abusers often alternate appalling behaviour with really good behaviour and promisesto improve. They're gambling that we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, forgive the bad times in the hope of more good times.... and it's a pretty effective way of keeping someone on the back foot as you've discovered. You've done the right thing kicking him out but it's difficult to wipe out 6 years of conditioning in just a couple of weeks. You're feeling sorrow for the life you could have had ... not for the drunken bully he actually was.

Write a list while the memories are still fresh of the worst behaviour he subjected you to. Print out this thread even. Keep the harsh reality top of mind and resist the temptation to look back at the past with rose-coloured specs. Then do everything you can to keep busy so that you can't sit thinking about him. As time goes on and you start to make a life for yourself, you'll find you don't miss him at all. Good luck

As this last incident happened in front of the children and you involved the police (well done for that btw), were social services involved?

If you are struggling to keep out of the relationship just think of the awful things your children have had to witness and the potential those things have to fuck up their happiness, confidence and well-being. If you cant stay away for you, stay away for them.

Assuming SS have been involved i imagine they would be very concerned if you started up the relationship again

If he knows he's only horrible to you when he's been drinking, then when he makes the decision to go out drinking he is consciously, soberly, giving himself permission in advance to get himself into the state where he knows he will be horrible to you. That's not very nice, is it?