Dh's health anxiety

[Loonybun]

Not even sure where to put this.... Just need a bit of hand holding and support I guess. Feeling quite alone at the moment.

I am nearly 36 wks pregnant, this is dh's first child. I have a dd aged nearly 9 from a previous relationship that I ended when she was 6 months old. I have been with dh for several years now, our baby was planned and very much wanted - we were on the list for IVF when we conceived naturally after a year of trying.

Basically dh has what I would call severe health anxiety (possibly hypochondria). This is something that's reared it's head for periods of time since I've been with him. It's not completely unfounded - he does have pretty severe IBS - which I sympathise with as I used to suffer with it too, and I have actually had all the invasive investigative procedures for, to be told it's "just IBS" so I do realise how debilitating it can be. He suffers with it mainly in the evenings and can often end up staying up till 2-3am sometimes in tears - mainly because he has a massive phobia of being sick. He thinks (even though he's actually never been sick with IBS) that every gurgle his stomach makes is going to lead to him vomitting.. And this makes him pretty much a phobic wreck... (crying, shaking, the works).

In the past I have sat up with him cuddling him and reassuring him ("you won't be sick honey, everything will be fine") etc but obviously now being so heavily pregnant and struggling myself with tiredness etc there is no way I am capable of staying awake past 10.30! He comes to bed at 2am crying and I reach over and give him a cuddle whilst I am half asleep. I am exhausted.

He has been to the GP about his IBS and they have prescribed various medications and also anti depressants. He will take them for literally a day and then cannot cope with the side effects and worries he will "be sick" so he stops taking them. I can't force him to take them obviously and neither can the doctor. He won't go for any proper tests as he's absolutely phobic about having tubes put anywhere (either up or down!) to find out that what he's got IS ibs.. He's had urine samples and poo samples done.

Everything he gets he goes into a total panic basically thinking he has cancer or that he's dying. He has got a bad case of piles at the moment and had bright red blood on the toilet paper when he wiped and he came to find me in floods of tears literally scared to death he had bowel cancer. I reassured him and we got him some cream and they have improved.

I had a bad case of thrush last week and it appears I have passed this on to dh so we both have the creams etc and it has caused him some irritation when urinating, so I ended up going to the doctors with him yesterday where they got him to do another urine test and they have given him some antibiotics and some more cream. He has taken one antibiotic last night and this morning he is already texting me saying he feels sick taking them (probably worrying about taking them!) and worries they are going to make him sick! So now I don't know if he's going to keep taking them - and if he doesn't of course he's going to keep feeling ill!

The simple answer to this is go back and see the GP, go for counselling etc. But he won't go for counselling. He was referred and never went. He simply won't take anti anxiety medications as the sickness phobia is overwhelming.

He is very slim anyway (about 2 stone underweight) and doesn't have an eating problem as such - he will eat whatever we eat generally- but when he's having a sickness phobia attack he literally won't eat for nearly 24 hours because he thinks if his tummy is empty there is nothing to bring up!

All this and in all the time I've known him he's only ever been sick ONCE and that was with a tummy bug that we all had!!

I really don't know what to do :( I am so exhausted with it all.

To top it off, I am feeling so unwell myself. I am due to have an elective c section in 4 weeks time and I'm nervous about this - it's my choice due to difficult birth with dd but I'm still nervous. I keep having braxton's all the time, I'm run down and tired and I feel like I'm trying to support dh so much, I love him and I worry about him :(

Health anxiety is very hard and I sympathise with him, but he needs to help himself. Not taking the antidepressants, not going to counselling, not seeking other forms of help (self help for example) isn't good enough.

But, that's easy to say and doesn't help you.

Has he looked into self help? There is a lot of evidence that self help can be very effective for anxiety disorders and books/online cbt etc can really work.

I feel for you and your DH. It sounds as though he is really suffering.

However, with a baby coming (and by cs, too) the way you are currently dealing with this will have to change, because it is not sustainable once you have a child to care for. Your OP worries me because I can see you running yourself ragged trying to care for the baby and your DH as well as trying to recover from the operation.

I think if your DH were on his own, it would be entirely up to him whether he had any therapy. But with you and a baby aded to the equation, it isn't really 'fair', if that's the right word, to go on refusing what would probably be the most effective treatment for his phobia and anxieties. I don't know how you can get him to change his mind, but maybe talk to him and ask him how he envisages all this is going to pan out when the baby is here, and on the back of that ask if he will please go back to the GP, put his cards on the table about how bad things are and ask for some treatment options. Now is the time to be honest about the fact you are ot going to be there to support him in the same hands-on way as at present, so maintaining the status quo is not an option.

Another though: is he phobic about other people being sick? Because if your baby is antything like mine, it could be doing this frequently (e.g. about every half hour). That would add another level of urgency to your DH getting some help.

www.patient.co.uk/health/Health-Anxiety-A-Self-Help-Guide.htm

www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm

www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/disorders_anxiety.shtml

www.nomorepanic.co.uk/

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anxiety/Pages/self-help.aspx

I have suffered from health anxiety at the same kind of level as your dh. It is awful.

What helped me in the end was not ADs, counselling or anything else but a realisation that it had completely taken over my life and actually death would be preferable to the living hell I was in. Have you ever asked your dh what is the worst thing that could happen.

Don't withdraw your support though even though it will be hard. Dh found it very hard at times and once said to me "you have no idea how hard it is to live with someone who is so constantly unhappy and scared. It is utterly draining and saps all of the joy out of my life". I found that a rather sobering thought as I realised things had gone way beyond where I thought we were. That was also part of the process of me getting things under control - realising the impact it had on dh. However, if he had ever withdrawn his support, not sure what would have happened.

Sit him down and tell him he either seeks help and makes some effort to get better, or he can leave. Yeah yeah wah wah he's got a problem but it's not your job to devote your life to running round after him when there are things he could do to improve the situation, but he's choosing to whine and fuss instead. MH issues are not a free ticket to do what you like at the expense of the rest of your family.

He needs to go to the doctors and be referred for cognitive behavioural therapy and counselling, they usually offer either but you can be on the list for both. Review his anti depressants as they seem to not be working. This needs to be done ASAP. The problem is with a new born that his anxietys will extend onto anxieties about the baby which will be really hard. He needs to try and get help now.

Thank you very much for all the replies and links as well. I will give the links to him and have a proper talk with him about all this.. I am brainstorming I suppose.

Strangely enough he deals really well with children being sick - and even me being sick! I had horrible food poisoning the day after our wedding (lovely timing) and was being sick every half an hour and he was there the whole time soothing me and looking after me. So I don't worry about the new baby being an issue in that respect. It's literally just a worry that HE will be sick..

I've had so many discussions with him. I've actually suggested to him before when he's feeling so anxious and sick to go and make himself sick (I know this sounds weird) as most people feel better when they've been sick if they feel that ill and it might help him to realise it's not the end of the world as he knows it, but of course this very idea fills him with utter dread to the point he started crying and shaking and getting really upset about it all.

I am beginning to feel really frustrated with it all. I have brought him CBT books and suggested that although I know he has IBS he's in his 20's and has had recent tests for pretty much everything and he doesn't drink at all or take anything he shouldn't so the chances of him having something major are very slim!!

By the same token, I have long term health conditions for which I receive treatment for (daily medications and see specialists at the hospital) and I am older than him by 7 years so if anyone should be worrying about their health it's me! But I try to explain to him there's no point spending your whole life worrying about something that may or may not happen!

I've also told him the story about my Gran who died of bowel cancer after 6 weeks when the day before she found out she had a tumour she was up on a ladder decorating her bedroom not thinking anything was wrong at all - so you literally can't tell. (Maybe I made it worse by telling him this).

I am fully aware that things need to change when the baby arrives. He is very supportive and caring and I have no doubt that he will do everything to look after me / us post c section. But he's going to run himself into the ground being like this at the same time.

I'm sort of hoping (?) that having ds will give him a focus - something "bigger" than the health anxiety to worry about but I'm not sure if that's the correct way of thinking about this? Any experiences welcome.

a new born baby is different to an older child which he used to having around. may create ven more anxiety in him.

i suspect you may end up with two babies to look after.

but the adult one has to take charge of his own mental health/physical health.

call in support from friends and family for you and baby so you have other people to turn to if needs be. set your boundaries.

you cant expect a lifetime condition / MH condition to change in a few weeks - even with support/therapy it would take months.

but he could ask GP for anti anxiety meds to have on standby? just in case?

I don't think the baby will help at all. He's too wrapped up in himself and his own anxiety and monitoring his internal state every minute to start to think about the baby. You simply won't be able to keep up this level of reassurance in the evenings, and actually, unless he develops a way of hiding it, your children will notice him gibbering/being anxious etc.

I grew up with a parent with this. Seeking treatment is the right thing to do, I wouldn't give him a choice,I 'd say treatment or out. It's incredibly debilitating for the whole family to live under the cloud of one person's mood, and the frustrating thing is that they could be happier with some help and meds.

Hi I have suffered with Health Anxiety for about 9 years now. At it's worst I was having dibillitating panic attacks everytime I left the house.

I won't go into all the details but the one thing that really helped me and got me back on the right track was CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I was referred by my GP.

I won't say it has cured me but it has enabled me to live a relatively normal life.

I really hope your DP gets the help he needs. His life and yours will be so much better for doing so.

Hypnotherapy and NLP could help your husband. A therapist that does both therapies would probably be the fastest way to go. This can help him to 'reprogram' the part of his mind that is causing the problem. PM me if you need any advice on finding a good therapist or would like any more information about either.