Is he emotionallyabusive...long sorry

[Ginga66]

Ikeep trying to figure this out. We get along well and lovey duvet for tracts of time and then out of the blue he will say something horrible, I will react and want to discuss it, he will try to shut the conversation down by saying he is 'getting indigestion ' or whatever other excuse or just 'take it back' even though he has said it and things escalate from there. I am pregnant with second ds, I am due in three weeks. I have only just stopped working and am extraordinarily tired, emotional etc. And trying to Finnish a study course and get house ready for new baby. I took ds three yrs to park after nursey, fed, bath, little play, bed before dh back from work. Then I made brownies while he washed up and we sat down for cup of tea. I was explaining how I wish I was more able and going to need grannies help after baby born and then I said that I usually meet someone st the park. He said son is someone. I said of course I didn't mean that but I only see my mum twice a week usually when dh is eroding. He starts getting high and mighty about spending time alone with son and that I don't. In actuals fact he is forever meeting his mother. We both work part time. Also my work means I get one day a week looking after ds and then fir we spend together and weekends dh works. He has had tues, we'd and thurs more or less to himself since ds was at nursery yet still endlessly compulsions of not getting enough time. Anyhow, from that got upset as felt he was insinuating I do not spend enough time with son which is rubbish. Then suddenly he launches into an attack about my brother whom he hates and how I will sneak off to meet him when he visits from his year away closely followed by another tirade about a cousin I joked about fancying six years ago!!! I was stunned into silence and pretty much said WTF but he stuck to his guns and when I got upset told me to fuck off three times then left for a walk and is now sleeping in ds room. Am I missing something? I feel as if I am going mad. There is a pattern to this, he always starts when we have been getting on ok. Hismother is very indulgent of his mood swings and she is prob a mild mood disorder herself, his father was absent through divorce and seems a bit autistic. I come from a rather odd family myself so can't complain but his behaviour is so unpredictable, he always denies his mood swings and never takes responsibility. I have to apologize for my part and then we carry on like nothings happened. I just can't handle this now. He has given me no specials treatment being pregnant except he does majority of housework. We have had numerous scares but I make most hospital visits myself and he always justifies this with it's my anxiety and he has to look after ds when actually his mum would. Every time we have an argument like this I feel like leaving and that I am married to two people. I don't want to leave. I do love him. I just wish he would change his behaviour or at least see that it is wrong. I know I can't change him. He is btw a brilliant dad. It's just this weird episodic mood swings and attacks that leave me feeling I don't know him or can't trust him and then I wonder how could he reallyact like this if he truly loved me.

I'm really sorry but the lack of punctuation/paragraphs made your post really hard for me to read. I'm so sorry, I'm just completely knackered and I can't make sense of it.

He sounds almost as weird as you phone's auto-correct

Seriously, his seeming lack of self-awareness is very worrying and must leave you feeling like the ground's shifting under your feet on a regular basis.

On the offchance that he actually has some diagnosable and treatable condition, it's probably worth insisting he recognises what he does and goes to see a doctor about it. The best way to organise this will be to keep a diary of such events - and the smaller stuff that, I bet, crops up during the 'nice' periods.

The diary will be a good idea for your own sanity, tbh. HIBU. It's a nightmare for you to be dealing with sudden onslaughts of "never happened" abuse at this time, so please do keep up with your support network and try to reinforce it.

Hope you don't mind, I'm re-posting your OP.

I keep trying to figure this out. We get along well and lovey dovey for tracts of time and then out of the blue he will say something horrible, I will react and want to discuss it, he will try to shut the conversation down by saying he is 'getting indigestion ' or whatever other excuse or just 'take it back' even though he has said it and things escalate from there.

I am pregnant with second ds, I am due in three weeks. I have only just stopped working and am extraordinarily tired, emotional etc. And trying to finish a study course and get house ready for new baby. I took 3yo DS to park after nursery, fed, bath, little play, bed before dh back from work. Then I made brownies while he washed up and we sat down for cup of tea. I was explaining how I wish I was more able and going to need grannies help after baby born and then I said that I usually meet someone at the park. He said son is someone. I said of course I didn't mean that but I only see my mum twice a week usually when dh is working.

He starts getting high and mighty about spending time alone with son and says I don't. In actual fact he is forever meeting his mother. We both work part time. Also my work means I get one day a week looking after ds and then Fri we spend together and weekends dh works. He has had tues, we'd and thurs more or less to himself since ds was at nursery yet still endlessly complains of not getting enough time.

Anyhow, from that I got upset as felt he was insinuating I do not spend enough time with son which is rubbish. Then suddenly he launches into an attack about my brother whom he hates and how I will sneak off to meet him when he visits from his year away closely followed by another tirade about a cousin I joked about fancying six years ago!!! I was stunned into silence and pretty much said WTF but he stuck to his guns and when I got upset told me to fuck off three times then left for a walk and is now sleeping in ds room.

Am I missing something? I feel as if I am going mad. There is a pattern to this, he always starts when we have been getting on ok. His mother is very indulgent of his mood swings and she is prob a mild mood disorder herself, his father was absent through divorce and seems a bit autistic. I come from a rather odd family myself so can't complain but his behaviour is so unpredictable, he always denies his mood swings and never takes responsibility. I have to apologize for my part and then we carry on like nothings happened.

I just can't handle this now. He has given me no specials treatment being pregnant except he does majority of housework. We have had numerous scares but I make most hospital visits myself and he always justifies this with it's my anxiety and he has to look after ds when actually his mum would. Every time we have an argument like this I feel like leaving and that I am married to two people.

I don't want to leave. I do love him. I just wish he would change his behaviour or at least see that it is wrong. I know I can't change him. He is btw a brilliant dad. It's just this weird episodic mood swings and attacks that leave me feeling I don't know him or can't trust him and then I wonder how could he really act like this if he truly loved me.

This:-
I feel like ... I am married to two people
and this:-
weird episodic mood swings and attacks that leave me feeling I don't know him or can't trust him
are very worrying.
"Jekyll & Hyde" is a very common description of a serious abuser. Plus, the attacks coming after a 'nice' episode sounds a lot like an abusive cycle.
Also take a look at these pages:
Mood Swings
Denial
Invalidation

Long answer:

He is a brilliant dad - So brilliant he models a loving, respectful relationship with his wife, the mother of his darling son.

Then everything that GF said.
May I add looking at the 'power and control' and 'equality' wheels - it often easy to identify the paterns of your spouse and may be a visual aid to articles you are reading. They are both on Women's Aid website.

It's rare as a 6 legged dog that they change.

Short answer: Yes.

*patterns

I'm so sorry, but no matter how i try to see anything normal/healthy about your relationship, I just can't.

You need RL help. Please can you tell your midwife about this, as a starting point.

You may want him to change, but i promise you, he won't ; he'll only ever get worse. Your children will directly.suffer living in this environment, you have to get them out.

You'll be better off, and suprisingly quickly.

Keep posting, we're here to help you.

2 things for while you stay with him -

1. Get away when he starts. Just get your stuff and go to another room. Later, explain why. Dont look for him to agree that you did the right thing - he won't and you'll end up feeling bad. But get yourself to safety. And sanity.

2. Trust your own judgment. If it feels bad, it probably is.

Good luck with your baby. And yes, you are allowed to meet people when out and your son will enjoy this too. Don't let what he says about your parenting undermine your sense of self worth. Just get away from him when he starts and wait till he stops.

Mood swings, jealousy, questioning your motives, questioning your relationship with your child, bad language, nasty names, not supporting your pregnancy... all pretty bad characteristics. The cyclical pattern is deliberate. The fact that he never accepts responsibility & you are the one who has to apologise is also very bad. What he's doing is making it that you are constantly second-guessing his mood.... is it a good day or a bad day?.... which keeps you nicely obedient as you desperately try to keep him happy. That isn't a loving relationship. That's the relationship of a captor and their captive. He doesn't want to be happy... he wants to control you.

BTW... abusers are often 'brilliant dads'. I think they give their attention to the children deliberately to keep the mother trapped. "See" they are saying.. "I am nice to our child so you would be a terrible mother to walk out on me and break up the family"

" I know I can't change him"

And he will never voluntarily change himself because, by treating you with contempt, he stays in a position of power. It's up to you to decide if you're happy to keep living with a man that not only doesn't love you but doesn't even like you.

Garkicfucker thank you for reposting.tbh I was so upset by some of things that people have said that I have been too angry to reply. I wanted support and discussion not condemnation. Cogito, how can you in all honesty say to another woman that you do not know about a small number of events out of context that her husband does not like let alone love her. This caused me great upset and you know what it is not true. If I were to list all the various times have been a dick to him you might have said the same about me. Either way that kind of generalizing is dangerous and you might really damage a vulnerable person with it so if you have the capacity for reflective thought I suggest you think a bit before you next type such things. What I was looking for was a discussion so I could try and undertand some of his behaviour and I thank the people who have replied with that information. I am due in two weeks, I am not walking out and I have nowhere to walk to. I need help on how to stay here and work on this. I kind of believe that marriage is something to be worked on. If it becAme completely untenable I would leave but that is not the case. Somethingtosay thank you for offering practical ideas on how to respond which is what I need.
X

You have our support. Truly.

You asked a question, we answered it. You may not be quite ready to hear the answer, that's OK, you will one day. We'll be here for whenever you are ready.

My love, bthis is not something you can work on. This is something he chooses to do to you, for whatever reason.

As defeatist as it sounds, you need to recognise that you are fighting a losing battle. It will only get worse, he will do more and more damage to you, and to your children. He's a write-off. Sorry, but he is.

keep talking to us, come over to the emotional abuse thread for whatever you need, we'll be ready abd happy to help you.

(((hugs)))

You asked 'is he emotionally abusive' and my opinion, on the basis of what you've said, is 'yes'. Sorry that you seem to find that offensive but if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

Please get yourself the Lundy Bancroft book WHY DOES HE DO THAT. It will answer most, if not all of the questions you have now.

Yes, he is an abuser and this is an abusive relationship.

Please don't be angry.

Ok, so what you are looking for is a magic pill/bullet to make his abuse tolerable?

Thing is, his abuse of you will only ever worsen, so if by some miracle we handed you a way to make this work today, by next week he would have modified his behaviour to MAKE SURE YOU SUFFER.

the faster you become impervious to his cruelty, the faster he will escalate. and he will escalate.

Every single one of us that have been where you have been also wanted the potion to make it 'OK'. That Magical Elixir doesn't exist. You can't COPE with abuse. You can't medicate it, you can't counsel against it, you can't just carry on regardless. It doesn't work like that.

You are asking for help to survive it. OK, but to survive you have to come out the other side. Only when you can see what he has done to you, and what he will do to your DC, how shrivelled your life will be, how great your fear will you (hopefully) try to get out. The longer you stay in this, the harder you will have to work to regain normal.

What a relationship like this does is to kill you slowly. Death by a million tiny cuts. When you are past the point of caring, you will watch him do the same to your DC, and then when they are grown, you may get the chance to see that THEY are in abusive/destructive relationships, cos that is ALL THEY KNOW.

Break the chain, understand that to win the war, you must remove yourself from this field of battle. You will win, you can't lose, freedom ALWAYS beats oppression.

You will understand what we are saying one day, and you will appreciate that we are trying out hardest to help you to a happier, safer, healthier place for you all.