So, my 100% reliable, trustworthy, devoted DP has been having an affair....

[BornToFolk]

I've been with my partner for 12 years. We have a 4.5 year old son. We both work full time and DS is at nursery. I had a call from nursery today to say that DS was unwell and could I pick him up. I phoned DP, got his voicemail and left a message to say I was leaving work to collect DS (he normally does it). Picked a slighly poorly DS up from nursery, got the bus home and walking down the road, spotted DP's car in the drive. Very odd, as he hadn't told me he was working from home/unwell. He'd gone to work as normal in the am and we'd been emailing about various domestic things all day.

The front door was locked, with the key inside so couldn't open it. This was very weird as DP doesn't leave his key in the door. I knocked and then went in the side way. Came through the kitchen to find DP coming down the stairs saying X (friend from work) was there "helping him" as he had a back back I get the feeling that this was more for DS's benefit than mine as I immediately clocked what was going on from the look on DP's face. He told DS that she was in the bathroom but going in a minute and then said to me "we'll talk when she's gone". I took DS into the living room to read a book and she came down and left without me or DS seeing her. We set DS up watching TV and went to another room to talk.

DP immediately owned up to having "an affair" - his words. However, it had only been the second time. First time about a month ago apparently. He said he was sorry but didn't seem particularly apologetic. In face he almost seemed angry with me. He didn't seem surprised or upset weirdly. We had a chat which got quite heated (mainly on my part, DP just took what I dished out) and then I told DP to leave, which he did.

As background, our relationship has not been the same since DS was born. Our sex life in particular has taken a back seat to everything else and our communication got really bad a few months ago. We had a big row a couple of months ago, followed by a big, honest conversation about how things weren't going as well as we'd like and agreed that we'd like to make the effort to make things work. Since then I've been happier. Actually, really quite happy. We've been making plans for the future, holidays and days out etc, all happy family stuff. It was my birthday last week and DP bought me some lovely presents and took me out for a nice dinner where we had lots of fun and conversation about things other than DS. Admittedly, our sex life still isn't great but it's been better and something that I thought we were both working on.

But apparently it's not been enough for DP. He admits he's been stupid and selfish and went looking for what he was not getting at home. He's been exactly the kind of man I thought he wasn't. I had no clue this had been going on. I would not have thought he could ever do this. I feel utterly betrayed, humilated, violated (in my own fucking bed, for fuck's sake! Practically in front of our child!), disgusted and basically like a total fucking mug

What makes me feel most mug-like is that I miss him! I still want this relationship to work. I love him, even though I am utterly furious with him.

The plan is that he's staying with a friend. He's going to pick DS up from nursery as usual, bring him back here and then we'll talk more once DS is in bed. We've spoken on the phone tonight and he agrees he's been a utter shit. He doesn't want a relationship with OW (FFS, I never thought I'd use the term "OW" about my DP, or my relationship ) but is not sure about a relationship with me. He loves me, loves DS beyond anything and loves our family and our home. But somehow he's scared of talking to me and telling me how he feels I laid my cards on the table and said that I was prepared to try and make things work but only if he really wanted to, was prepared to try as hard as I was, we'd get some couples counselling and he was to cut all contact with OW.

Am I being a total doormat? I am so furious with him and not ready to forgive yet but I do WANT to forgive. I don't want to break up my family over this. Can a relationship survive something like this?

I am doing OK, in general. My sister came over for moral support and to help with DS (who has been told that we've had a row and daddy has gone away for a few days, which has made me sad, hence the tears ) I am just wiped out emotionally now. DS is fine, recovered from whatever was wrong with him at nursery and has gone happily to bed without asking for daddy, which is a relief.

I just need some wise MNer advice. What the actual fuck do I do now?

Folky, you are in shock. Please don't make any decisions for a few days at least. You aren't thinking straight (quite understandably!).

Thinking of you today OP. I've been there. I agree with all the advice you have been given - you're instinct is to wish it away and make everything right. Your post unfortunately doesn't show him begging for forgiveness, him saying that he will do anything to prove he is a good man. Without him laying himself out in front of you there will not be a long term happy ending. He has to be sorry - he has done wrong - not you! Think about you and your DS now. My ex cheated on me and my DS in my view - we ended up splitting and deep down I don't think I'll ever forgive him for making that decision to shag another woman when he had me and our lovely boy at home.

That's what's so stunning. He is not the kind of man to do this.

So basically his story is that he's been faithful and devoted for twelve years. Then, after you've both had a heart-to-heart and agreed to make a real effort to concentrate on your marriage (a couple of months ago), he goes out and starts an affair almost immediately (a month ago)?

You say you miss him - but he is not the man you thought he was.

He is not your friend.

No decent man would throw away his marriage and family to shag OW on your bed, in his DS's family home!!

He should be grovelling but instead he blamed the affair on you and the lack of sex and did not seem that bothered.

I would insist on him staying away - tell him you need time and space to decide what is best for you and DC.

I agree that you are in shock.

I think your very fast decision to stay with him is all due to your wanting it to never have happened. Soon you will realise you can't turn back the clock by just smoothing over it.

At the moment your instinct is to cling on to what you had which is why you want him home right now.

Give yourself time. Lots of time. There is no rush, really there isn't.

When I was a very young and stupid 16 yr old I had an affair with a married man that was conducted, for the most part, at his house and his marital bed. He claimed this was his first affair, but I don?t think now that it was, and once we were over (some years later, we never got caught like you caught your partner) he moved on to a new girl. Then a new one. He eventually got a 16 year old girl pregnant when he was 36.

Men who do things like this, who treat all the women in their lives- wives and mistresses- with such utter contempt, do not change. I believe people do marry the wrong people sometimes, and then they meet The One and it?s too late. But what you do is don?t get involved, decide what you want and act appropriately. If that means leaving the original partner, that may be the right thing. But you don?t conduct a seedy affair in the marital bed in the home where your child lives. He has acted with no dignity, no grace, no class?. The man deserves to be left alone and you deserve so much better. How can you ever, ever forget this? What do you do, move house so the memories don?t linger? The wife of my ex insisted on that, so they sold up and brought a new house and all new furniture so that I could be ?scrubbed out? (he admitted all this to me some years later during a very bizarre heart to heart when we bumped into one another). But he just got some poor new girl to take my place who came round whenever she was at evening classes or out with her mates. I think that is what you are setting yourself up for, OP. As the old adage goes, trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me.

And to say he was simply getting what he wasn?t getting elsewhere is an absolute cop out. Disgusting cop out. It?s laying all the blame at your door, the manipulative idiot. It isn?t just the sex, OP, it?s all the lies surrounding it. He planned to do this in your bed whilst you were at work? think of the hours of texting and emailing and after work drinks that went into getting her in a position to sleep with her and then coming up with a plan of when and where. I would be surprised if it was only the second time, if I am honest. When we were eventually found out my ex insisted to his wife (in front of me!) that ?we didn?t have much sex really? ? only about seven or eight thousand times. Okay so he says it hasn?t been going on long, but do you want to be wondering if he was happening all the times he was unaccounted for in the past God knows how long? No. And to say he doesn?t know if he wants a relationship with you?!!!! That is rich. Take back the power here. No way do you want a relationship with this pig who doesn?t even have the decency to take his affair to a Premier Inn.

I entirely understand why you don?t want this to end. He is your world and the father of your child. But good God, he has betrayed you in probably the worst way a person can. You are worth about a million times more than someone who would do this - you say he has been reliable and a good partner.... but his actions say otherwise and this, as far as I can see, more or less wipes out anything good he's ever done in my opinion.

Get the hell out before he ruins more of your life.

Born, there are many of us reading your thread, or commenting on it, who had every reason to believe that their partner was incapable of such a thing, too.

Mine own, for example, was quite derisive/dismissive of blokes who did this, who he saw as making a huge mistake. until he did it himself, for 5 years

As other posters have said, you're in shock OP.

Your desire to wish this had never happened and if it has, get back to normal is common reaction to a shock like this. But because you're in shock, you must suspend any decisions to forgive and try again.

Because this has floored you and you've now got information about his character and behaviour that is completely aberrant, your whole world has been turned on its head. If someone told you today that other things you'd believed for years about the world and how it works were untrue, you'd believe them now because now this has happened, nothing makes sense anymore.

That's why it's understandable that you want to talk to him. It's not just that you want information about the affair, it's so that you can make sense of something so shocking. But you should ask questions and listen. Refrain from making any comment or judgement. Treat it as a process of information gathering, nothing else. Make no decisions. After you've heard what he has to say, write it down because being in shock can play havoc with your memory.

Whenever I see threads like this about people not being the type to be unfaithful, I shake my head because in truth, everyone is the type. The measure of their true character though is how low they stoop during the affair and how much responsibility they take for it when caught.

It's not crazy. Anyone who has been faced with something similar has probably felt exactly the same way, however briefly. The clue is that you want your life back. Your life at the start of this week was set in a particular safe, steady pattern, with certain 'givens' that you took for granted. You probably saw yourself ending your days with DH as a white-haired old couple on the metaphorical porch. That's the problem. Because he forms a fundamental part of your old life and has knocked the things you took for granted completely out of the park, it can never be restored exactly as it was. That's why it's so upsetting.

Why do they do it to a friend? Worse... why do they do it to the person they are meant to be the closest to? Could be anything. Selfishness? Forbidden fruit? Impulsiveness? You can drive yourself nuts trying to work it out and, if you ask him, you'll get a load of hackneyed old excuses rather than the truth.

Look after yourself

ps. You cant believe a word out of his mouth, right now.

eg - he saw her twice.

If this had gone on longer, you can he sure he would have lied his arse off, and almost certainly has, anyway.

However unlike him it would be to do that.

Give yourself a few days to think. Because besides him actually sleeping with someone else, the other very major thing to take into consideration is that he did so in your own house. In the bed you share together. That really is significant. There are men who are serial philanders, but keep their affairs outside the home. Their psychology is flawed; but in a way they somehow still perceive the marital home and by extension the family as sacrosanct to a degree. Hence the OW never comes in.

For your husband to have done this in your bed could smack of something else going on - a sub-conscious way of getting back at you for some perceived resentment, lack of caring by you etc. It could indicate he harbours a deeper resentment than either he or you are aware of regarding the demise of your relationship.

Possibly he was sub-consciously hoping you'd find out, wanting to get your attention, and this is why he didn't seem so upset when you caught him. Perhaps he id thinking 'at least now I have got her attention, now she won't take me for granted again, now she knows how bad things are'

If this is even remotely true, then you're dealing with someone who is capable, at the very least, of being passively aggressively spiteful, as well as selfish and/or just being weak IFYSWIM. And you must think about what that may bode for the future and find out what aspect of this affair he is sorry about.

But I do hope you can resolve things together, as I genuinely do not think he loves this OW.

Can I also suggest that you get some info independent of him i.e. from his phone bills/e mails etc. because I'd bet a tidy sum that this affair had started in some form or another before you had your row and relationship overhaul. A lot of people in your position say that their cheating partners only made complaints about the relationship once they were being unfaithful - and engineered a row and a discussion about how bad things were in order to prolong or create the justification for an affair. Don't necessarily believe that he met this woman after your relationship had got better. He might have been setting you up to fail instead so that all your efforts would have been in vain.

So sorry OP.

Just wanted to agree with what many of the others have said. It is too soon for you to be able to make decisions on this. You are almost definitely still in shock. Don't talk to him yet - because you can't really know what you think or what you want.

Tell him you need space and you will contact him when you're ready. In the mean time surround yourself with people who love you and are good for you, friends, family, whatever works for you - and be kind to yourself. Talk about it as much as you need to with them and come to a decision in your own time

I think that it is too soon to be telling him you are willing to work at this.

I think you should be letting him think it's over, even if it possibly isn't, so he can realise the full implications of what he has done and what he risks losing, because you said, even when confronted, he was not particularly apologetic and he seemed to act quite coldly.

The biggest issue for me would be that he thought it acceptable to bring her back to your home, that even when behaving like this he didn't have the 'decency' to go somewhere else.

I would find that very very difficult and want to ask him about that because that is actually quite cruel in it's total disrespect for you.

I would not speak to him today, i would put it back a few days.
I would be too angry.

'Honestly, this is so out of character for him. That's what's so stunning.'

No, it's not!!! That's the problem!! That's what everyone is trying to point out, don't you see?!

You have just discovered that this IS in character for him, that this IS what he thinks it's ok to do. In other words, you didn't know this man at all. You THOUGHT that this would be out of character for him. You never thought he would/could do this, because you believed him to be X kind of man.

HE ISN'T THAT MAN.

This can't even, ever, be explained away as a 'slip', 'a moment of madness'

• He hasn't been off with you, there has been zero suspicious behaviour.
• No blaming and trying to distance himself, no guilt.
• If you hadn't come home you would never have known, he was successfully undertaking the affair with zero behaviour changes. You thought all was ok.

Those are the actions of someone who is deeply at ease with his actions. Not a hurried fumble somewhere, meeting at a pub, getting carried away.
Making and carrying out plans to bring the woman into your home and your bed while you were away. This is a full-on nasty deceitful adulterer.

And the final nail in the coffin? When you discovered this, his reaction was, essentially, anger.

Translation: he thinks he's entitled to do this, that it isn't that bad.

And I'll bet, from looking at the speed at which you are ready to lie down and let that be the case, that that's the status quo here. He's boss. He can shag around, because it's not as if you're ever going to leave him.

Only twice? And - yes? Err, what point is there to even examining that statement? Who knows? He's a practiced, accomplished liar. What I would say is, how likely do you think it is that it's already got to that stage - making plans to meet during the day at your home - with a woman he's only once before been intimate with? Riiiight. Things move so quickly, don't they?!

This guy has cheated before, will cheat again, and has zero respect for you, your marriage, your son, your family, your health.

I feel for you though I've never been in your position. I have, however, been the other woman in my youth. No kids involved. Got to know the guy through work. We were mates for ages and then we had sex in a hotel at a Christmas do. All very cliched. Long story short, he was a decent bloke who felt he'd made a mistake in his marriage. The emotional affair was difficult for him, but the one night of sex threw him into a breakdown...signed off work and everything. He told me later that he was so conflicted by what had happened he couldn't deal with it. Your H is showing none of the remorse I'd expect. He's not devastated and he was caught in the act. My fella was devastated and no one else ever knew about it afaik!!!! It's a bit of a red flag for me that he's not bothered by this.

mine was the sort of man who would never do this either - I trusted him 100%. Now I know he had several other women - I am afraid the man I thought he was no longer exists. I projected onto him my ideal of what I thought a good husband and father was - now I have had my eyes opened and see him for what he is. And you know I almost think the lying about it is nearly worse than the act itself. Mine looked me in the eye and swore there was nobody else, he only wanted me, it was all a total lie. And he also derided any one else who had an affair, lost their family, etc. They were stupid and a sad joke having a mid life crisis. He has now lost everything, me, our daughter, my family and all of our friends. I almost feel sorry for him - and then I remember the lies.

I also agree with the other poster who said he wasn't thinking of your child when he was getting his leg over. A very insecure untrustworthy man. If I were you I would have no contact at all and get your finances in order quick smart. Then go find yourself the best solicitor.

"Possibly he was sub-consciously hoping you'd find out, wanting to get your attention, and this is why he didn't seem so upset when you caught him. Perhaps he id thinking 'at least now I have got her attention, now she won't take me for granted again, now she knows how bad things are'"

Yes, this is exactly what I think. It really feels like he was trying to get at me, doing it deliberately so he'd get caught out. I accused him of that and he denies it. He was just being selfish and not thinking, apparently.

I am really scared that he's ready to walk away. I feel like he's done this to give me a reason to throw him out rather than telling me it's over. He denies that too, btw.

But yeah, he seems to accept it's over. I think tonight, when we talk, I will ask the quesions I want answering and not bring up any discussion about what happens next (other than the next few days childcare). If he wants to talk big picture stuff, let him bring it up. He knows I want to make this work but I also said that if this is the case, he needs to really, really want that too. He needs to prove that to me right now.

Folksy, what you are describing, the need to see him has got a name it is called 'hysterical bonding'.

Please please try and stay calm and keep to yourself for a while. You are not in a position to make any calm or rational decisions.

How I remember your shock, numbness disbelief. Folksy, I did what you are urging yourself to do (come back, we'll fix this, lets talk) and it was a big mistake Please believe me on this one.

You must have some dread time with yourself, to absorb this terrible life changing blow. Before you are in a position to communicate and negotiate with this self pitying entitled twat.

IF he rings, you must say one thing, and one thing only. 'I need to hear that you are in counselling, so that you can have help working out why you did what you did. I do not want to hear any lies or excuses'. If he doesn't go? You have your answer.

You are in terrible pain right now. Gosh how it hurts and it won't stop. Just know that we understand, and you WILL survive. Notice I haven't said anything about what will happen? Now you are in 'take one moment at a time, put one foot in front of the other'. That is all you can do.

Do NOT speak to him, do NOT let him back home. You cannot cope with him right now.

This affair is about him, and about his coping strategies. (I bet £££ he sulks, avoids confrontation, etc etc etc). This affair is NOT about you, or your relationship. Sure, those things need work on, but this is about him. And he needs to go and examine how he got to be less than a man. It hurts, it will be uncomfortable, and how he steps up to this is what counts. Do NOT talk about 'your relationship'. You haven't been out fucking anyone because you are having a resentful little hissy fit, have you?

That's horrible.

I don't think you should take him back just like that. You need to make him see you mean business, if you take him back so easily without Even having some time apart he will do it again and walk all over you. Is that what you want?
Be strong and get angry, tell him to leave, make him think he's lost you. If you don't you will splt up eventually anyway.

BorntoFolk, don't feel under any pressure to decide everything tonight. If you feel utterly confused and bewildered tonight, that is fine. Go by what you feel - it will be a roller coaster - but take your time.

PS and the affair started when his attitude mysteriously changed. So that wasn't last month, it was a few months ago.

Wow. I don't have anything very constructive to add but I just wanted to say how horrible for you and what an awful way to find out!! I'd be absolutely livid!

I think he's shown a total lack of respect - for you, your relationship, your son, the home you share(d).. everything. I don't think I could forgive after that.

I was a single mum for a few years after my last husband walked out on me for an ex he had before me.. (left a 6 year marriage for a 6 month long relationship he had with an ex!) and dd and I had no contact with him after he went. It was like "whoosh" and he was gone.

I was heartbroken at first and you do wonder how on earth you are going to cope but you do somehow, and gradually things do get better. I sold our house, paid of £26k of joint debts (as he just disappeared and stupidly it was all in my name!) and got myself a job... A year or so later I met my now dh and we are very happy (some problems like everyone else, got my own thread in here about his health anxiety!) but things are ok on the whole. We have a ds due in 4 weeks time.

Don't compromise on your own pride and dignity for the sake of seeing him for something he isn't. That's the best advice I can give you. He's not the man you thought he was. It's like a mask has fallen off and you're seeing him for what he really is. You deserve more than that.

All your impulses right now seem to be based on your wish that this had never happened.

You can't possibly know yet that you want to rebuild a new relationship with the man who cheated on you.

What you are trying to do is make things like they were before.

That can't and won't happen, but you've had less than 24 hours to process this, so you haven't had time to process that.

"He knows I want to make this work"

I really think you need to disabuse him of this notion. It's too early to take that stance and it puts you in a very weak position.