This is the update thread for anyone who remembers my threads:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1154094-Relationship-seems-to-be-in-a-very-fragile-state-what-do-we-do/AllOnOnePage
(If you click on the thread it has links to the previous two)
Some of you were kind enough to post on my threads at the time and I have been feeling for a while that I should come back and update you.
From December 2010 onwards we lived in a kind of suspended state ? see previous threads for how it all began. He was still saying that he wasn?t sure if he wanted to be with me anymore, wasn?t sure about me etc. I kept trying different approaches ? trying to talk to him, asking about counselling, proposing ideas such as a trial separation or, simply calling his bluff and saying that in that case, we should try to move forward as separated parents.
It is difficult to describe exactly what that time was like. We were functioning, we were being parents to our son, we would talk about general topics - but he would never speak positively to me, joke with me, let alone be remotely affectionate. The most painful thing was that during this time he refused all physical affection. We would lie in bed, side-by-side and not touching. It was the same around the house: no hand on the shoulder, no hug, no kiss, nothing...
The only thing that kept me sane was a weekly meeting with an antenatal friend and eating lots and lots of chocolate. I put on several pounds but, boy it was necessary. The months crept past and I kept wondering if this was going to continue and at what point I should put an end to it. January, February, March, April went by.
There was a big family event coming up in late April and I was not able to accept or decline the invitation, because I just did not know if we would be in any fit state to attend. It was far away and daunting to travel by myself with a toddler, but on the other hand I wasn?t sure if my DH would be willing to go or whether the problem would be immediately apparent to other people in the family. In the end we agreed to go.
About a week before we were due to travel to the part of the country where the event was being held, let?s say Scotland, I was out walking with my son in his pram and realised that i had come to a decision. The marriage was worth a year. Even if I had to live like this until December 2011, I would wait it out. At that point I felt a massive weight fall from me ? a relief at having committed to that course of action.
In a funny way I think that trip to Scotland saved us. I felt a difference in him as soon as we were away. The early part of the trip was still marred by the same tensions but I could feel the tension fall away from him as the days passed. On the last morning of the trip, nearly the beginning of May, early in the morning, he turned to me in bed and, er, indicated that he wanted to make up. 
Rightly or wrongly, I said yes.
We weren?t out of the woods at that point. After we came home he asked again if we could make up and I said yes and we were verbally reconciled, but the issues did flare up again from time to time throughout the summer and early autumn.
It has only really been with the advent of October and November 2011 onwards that I have felt that things are better.
We are not the same as we were. But things are definitely on the up... I don?t think I trust him in quite the same way, but we are looking to the future: thinking of future plans, possibly a second child. Our sex life has resumed and he is more caring and affectionate again.
However, I do know that I am not going to go through that again. It was November 10 when the problems began; almost the first day of May 11 when it began to be sorted out. Those five months of isolation, non-affection, fear and shame... If he begins that ?doubt? thing again, that will be it for us.
So, what do I think it related to? Why did it happen and why did it go away?
In some ways I think a lot of it was due to work stress. He changed jobs in autumn 11 and the change was immediate ? so much happier and more relaxed. Conversely, I also noticed that during a period when work stress was high, some of the same snippy, withholding, critical behaviour seemed to re-emerge.
I don?t think there was an affair. Or if there was something/someone on the horizon, it didn?t go anywhere.
I also got a new job in Autumn 11 ? the part-time role I had been hunting high and low for after not being able to return PT after maternity leave. It doesn?t pay much more than covering childcare costs plus my own expenses, but the dynamic of us both working is somehow better for us. I also feel much less lonely and happy to have that security.
I do still feel angry that he wasn?t able to accept me not working as a temporary period ? a blip brought about by circumstances rather than a sign of my failing character - it was only a year and with him earning a good financial sector salary and a high five figure sum in savings in the bank, time at home when I was looking after our toddler son shouldn?t have been a problem. However, it clearly didn?t work for us and I will now be careful to avoid that situation in future.
I also wonder if some kind of male PND could have had a part to play. The role of father is missing in his own life and I think he found the baby-hood of our son, that time when he was so attached to me, rather difficult to cope with. Now he is a walking, talking little boy I think he finds it much easier. At some times the things my DH were saying didn?t entirely make sense, there was a thread of irrationality running through what he was saying. Depression, stress and work issues I think all played a part.
Some of you might have wondered why I accepted all this. I suppose it is because I went through a long period of time when I fell out of love with him, but then the love revived, so I know that it can happen. We have been together for the best part of two decades, so nothing is going to stay the same in that time.
Anyway, things aren?t totally healed, but they are better...much better. Thank you to everyone who helped at the time. x