Toxic, selfish, thoughtless bloody mother.

[ModreB]

My D M is a toxic, selfish, self centred, thoughtless cow.

She rang me last night to tell me all about her hospital appointment for an ongoing, serious bowel condition. She has already had extensive surgery and a partial bowel reconstruction. It looks as if she will need further quite extensive surgery, will have a long recovery when I will be expected to look after her. I was told about the tests and everything is great detail, and I knew what was coming. I bloody knew it

Then it came. The guilt trip. "It's all your fault you know. All the bowel problems are because I gave birth to you" Not that she had a 36 hours labour that was mismanaged from start to finish, when we both nearly died and which resulted in my DGP's making a formal complaint to the hospital, while she was in a near coma after my birth, which was not the done thing 45 years ago. Oh no. It was the fact that she had me that is the cause of all her problems now. She has made sure all of my life that I am fully aware that my birth was the cause of all of her ills. Not her selfishness and shit life decisions. Oh no, just the fact of my existence is enough.

Thanks Mum.

Good grief. How totally thoughtless. My mother used to pull this one on me, you know, "I have bladder problems because of having you" oh yeah and apparently also epilepsy......and I felt guilty all my life. Then I had my own kids and realised that even if I had lost a kidney, an arm and a leg they'd be worth it. What a horrible thing to say, I do sympathise. And you know it's all a pile of crap, don't you?

So did you put her straight? Tell her that's it's unacceptable keep putting the blame on you? Demand an apology? If she's in the habit of using this line, you have to get tough.

twinkle yes I know it's a crock of shit. Cogito she has form for this, I went no contact for about 2 years when she started her crap on my 3 DS's, and she does mainly behave herself now, at least with the DS's, but they are old enough to ignore her and they know when she is being stupid. She just can't seem to resist the digs at me.

I don't react - it makes her worse. It's the reaction and drama that she is looking for. So I rise above it and ignore. I did tell my Aunt today - her DSis. DAunt's reaction "Well, she always was a silly cow"

That sounds like a good come-back to me... "It's all your fault"... "Don't be a silly cow all your life" :)

Sounds like my mother...decided to tell me when I was heavily pregnant with dc3 that she needed a double lung transplant oh and she waited until my birthday to give me the news. Sounds very much like your dm op, loves a bit of drama and attention, whatever the cost to anyone else.

Oh yes, the birthday suprise! DF had that last month p, her (D)M told her bad newswhile phoning to say happy birthday, yes thanks mum!

ModreB, your aunt has the right answer, I'd practice that. Good luck

hotheels she waited until we had been in and out, in and out, in and out, of hospital with DS2, who had a heart condition that needed a valve replacement when he was 2 years old to tell me that my bio father (who I never met at her instigation) had another son who was older than me, but who was ill when she knew him with a suspected genetic heart problem and was that relevant to what DS2 had - after going through 2 years of tests and questions about a possible genetic reason for DS2 heart issue that she had consistently denied could be possible

I have no contact whatsoever with psycho my dm. She is bad for my health, she told me the the day before my wedding, yes the day before that my exp had been crying on her shoulder as he wanted me back (we has split three years before) I mean wtaf? I hated him and she knew that! I feel so sad that other people have normal mums and I got...that!

Btw I'm sorry to hear about your ds hope all is well now.

My mother is quite mild in comparasion with these but the text she sent me on new years to wish me a happy new year also included "we had to have the dog put down on tuesday".
I mean, seriously, could that not have waited a couple of days?
I'd be here for days if I went into everything but OP, I know where you are coming from.
At least she has never tried to blame me for her physical ailments.

hotheels thank you, yes, he is a strapping 6' tall 19 year old apprentice butcher now.

I am going to bed now, with my i-pod, a book and a glass of

Thank you all for just letting me vent. x

Yep, venting is good.

My M sounds sadly similar to yours. We moved country when I was a child. My m has hated living there and blames me for the fact we moved. (How?? I was 8 and had no choice in the matter, FFS).

It really pisses her off that I have moved back to the Uk (and have no intention of ever living anywhere near her). It's great- when she starts bitching, I hang up on her. The next time she phones, it's as if nothing happened.

Stay strong.

Maybe you could go with 'how is it my fault you had unprotected sex with a man you didn't like?' or something similar.

I too have a toxic mother and have been blamed for a whole range of things. I speak to her maybe 3 times a year. Life is much easier that way.

I hope you don't get stuck looking after her. Maybe you need to stay away while she is hospital in case the very sight of the person who caused the problem hampers her recovery. ;)