downward spiral with 5 year old ds

[mrsbuckett]

I hope this is not the wrong place to post.If it is I am sorry and will ask for it to be moved.

DS 5 .I seem to spend most of my time making ultimatums , counting to 3 in a mean voice and SHOUTING at him. The situation is making me a bit depressed.
He never had terrible twos and is really a good boy, but we seem to have reached a stale mate.He is provocative , whines until I snap and pushes me.I am so ashamed over my reactions.
I have 1 year old dd. Life just gets on top of me and I am stressed.I never meant for things to get like this.

Any advice?
Please.

(Might be better in 'Parenting')

Don't be depressed. He's just attention-seeking. Age 5, they're at school, they see/hear other kids pushing the boundaries, being cheeky and they think they'll have a bit of that and see how it goes!! A baby sister is competition for attention and kids don't care if you're smiling or shouting... it's all attention of one sort or another.

I'd suggest spending some time with him when the baby is asleep, doing things he enjoys and can take the lead in. Reward his good behaviour with your time and praise. Comment on how you enjoy his company, what with him being the 'big boy' and so much more fun than a little baby etc.

If he does have a strop, try not to get drawn in but ignore it. If there are regular events that cause problems.... getting dressed for school for example... you can sometimes get a good result asking how you can make it go better tomorrow. If he takes the lead and makes the suggestions, he's more likely to go with it than if it is imposed.

Good luck

5 is a very whiney age! But by shouting at him, you are reacting to him rather than responding (thinking about how to deal with his behaviour). Don't be too hard on yourself, you have a baby to deal with and life getting on top of you- that is not that unusual. Perhaps think about taking a parenting course, I did a surestart one (parenting puzzle) which was free with a free creche. Or think about why you react to his behaviour instead of parenting, and is there something that is taking your attention that you can change? Is it sleep deprivation, is your partner pulling his weight, are you stressed because of money/relationship, PND?

lots of stomping and fake punching in my direction.

As with most issues with abusers here (and I'm not calling you one), the problem is not the child (recipient) but the adult.

You are using mean voices and shouting.
Stop using a mean voice and stop shouting (at least 99% of the times).

Instead, use an assertive voice. You can practice it.
Go down to his level and talk calmly to him. Explain the reason briefly and tell him you won't tolerate a repeat.
Follow through with threat. You don't have to count to 3 if you have already given a warning.
Give him two options. If he is pestering for a snack, for example, present some fruit (say) or nothing. Or agree to just one biscuit for example.

Use time out to give you and him space to breath. Use and abuse hugs and kisses.

And do give him proper attention.

That's attention-seeking. By behaving badly he gets your undivided attention. If you put him out of your eyeline.... different room and shut the door, for example.... he doesn't get your attention and he'll eventually make the connection that whining, stomping and punching aren't getting the result he wants. When he's calmer, give him lots of attention, listen to what he has to say, praise him for being well-behaved.

Please take a bit of time to have a look at www.parentchannel.tv as they have lots of great information and links to other useful sites and organisations.
What you are going through is quite normal and because you know there is an issue, you will be able to find ways of improving things. Good luck

Mine is an arse ATM.

I ask nicely two times and then bellow at him :(

It's not just you.

I have gone back to reward charts. That seems to be working, He was a shit (I mean defiant, hitty, mean to sister) for the first 2 days and then he 'cracked' and realised that he could be good and it was easier than spending a lot of time on his own in his room.

He has to do 7 days of being good to get to see on episode of Power Rangers. I blame power rangers for making him be all kicky and horrible, so he has to show me that he can be good. He is obsessed with it ATM, so that's my carrot and stick in one IYSWIM.

I don't smack him. Sometimes I feel like I wish I did, as my disciplinary techniques appeared to do nothing. Anyway, it's not just you. I am making a BIG point of praising his good behaviour, so we'll see how long it lasts!

If the problem is him not doing what he needs to, it may be that he genuinely hasn't heard. I used to have to make eye contact and get DS to repeat back to me because he couldn't multitask eg couldn't register what I was saying and continue to play his game.

somewhere that is a good point I did get DS's ears checked, and he did have a wax problem that was resolved with olive oil drops and a calpol syringe full of water you could get the doctor to check his ears?