Should I Accept My Mum Doesn't Want To Be Part Of My Life ?

[Eliza73]

I'd like some advice regarding my relationship with my mother and if it sounds normal ! She has never been particularly warm and huggy ...but then I think that was the parenting style in the 70's although she always liked to put me down, making me walk the dog every day when I was 15 because she said I was getting fat although I was a size 8 at the time ! She was also quite controlling as I grew up ,I wasn't allowed to go out with friends until I was 17 and even then I had to come home at a ridiculously early time. However, I went to uni , married to someone she did like, but felt we were ' better ' then him and his family and caused all kinds of problems at the wedding by making funny comments to his family and friends, some of whom didn't speak to me for a while afterwards, they were that bad.I.e telling her friends she was sorry they had to sit next to 'these people ' my pil best friends.

She improved marginally after I had my children, although she would moan if I rang her up ( she prefers to keep in contact with letters )and had to be really pressed to hold them when they were born, preferring to comment on any physical feature she felt wasn't great ( but obviously was hubbys genes !)

Fast forward a few years and she sees the children 3 times a year although she lives 4 miles away and at any family get together she will make a few off remarks to them or compare them to their cousins. I did accept this was just her, but recently I have noticed that she does visit my sister and brother and will go on about their children , if I say oh , did they come over ? She will reply I thought you would be miffed ! If I ask her over she says her and my Dad ( who is lovely but very hen pecked ) are too busy. Any mention of sports days, plays and she will reply that they did all that with us, why would they want to do it again now ?

I do feel upset because over the years I have always swallowed her comments without rising to them and tried to keep in contact ...I know we all think our children are wonderful but my pil and friends all tell me how lovely my children are and I can't understand why she treats them like slightly annoying strangers.

I know I should just get on with my own life, but it's hard and I feel sad that my Dad is missing out too, when he might want to see us more often.

What should I do ?

Belittling.
Controlling.
Arrogant.
Neglectful.

Can you articlate why you might still want her in your life?

I suppose because she's my mum ! and unfortunately she and my dad come as a package and he is a lovely man , just had years of being henpecked . I think as well when you have a sister and brother still visiting/ being visited it makes you wonder if it's partly your fault, but I really can't see how. She's a bit like those old people who feel they can say really rude things, because at their age they don't care or they won't see that person again. She keeps saying that she won't have to see my pil again ( after the last child's christening ) so didn't really speak to them , but she doesn't seem to realise that I will be seeing them ! Likewise a lovely lady who lives near us and sees my DC a lot, goes to her church and she is really off to her and then says to me things like, oh she wears jeans to church ?! and that why does she go on about your children so much ..the last time I saw her at Easter , I was talking about something and she butted in and started going on about her neighbours who are building an extension parking their vans near her house..and I mean going on and on although she has such a long drive you can hardly see them from the house and in my 2 glasses of wine haze I just looked at her and thought that she just isn't a very nice person.

I would say stay in touch but stop swallowing the comments. When you have a bully in the picture the only way to deal with them is to stand up to them full square. If you constantly defer, they just treat you with contempt. If you give as good as you get, you might get their respect. If it falls on deaf ears you've lost nothing but at least gained your self-respect.

Being your mum is not reason enough, if her behaviour shows that she does not respect you. But this is a complicated one, since mothers are our most primal relationship.

I think you would do well to read the links and books cited at the start of the Stately Homes thread. You are not alone in having parents like this.

Regarding your dad: How lovely is he really, having let her get away with calling you fat when you were a child, etc? Keeping one's head down for sake of a quiet life when faced with a bully, and placing that bully's needs above one's own child's happiness does not say "lovely" in my book.

How did I know she was a church-goer? :) Perfect hang-out for the self-righteous bossy type IME.

If the Mum is an emotional abuser, the Dad is actually a victim. Blaming him doesn't help.

Invite just your Dad, build a better relationship with him and cut her out as much as you can

My Dad does stick his head above the parapet at times. Regarding the fat business , he did say that I wasn't fat and that was probably how girls become anorexic , but it fell on deaf ears . I think he zones most of it out and she's not like it all the time, it's just mainly off the cuff comments which I tend to stew about. I find it easier not to have a big old ding dong but to just distance myself. At Easter, again she annoyed me when the kids were having an egg hunt ( she's a retired teacher , so actually thinks she's great with children although she doesn't like modern children and has told me all my life she prefers boys ) and one of mine said something about having found more eggs then his cousin and she announced that was mean..when I asked what was, as I hadn't heard and she said nothing, nothing really quickly and gave a knowing smile to my sister ( it was to her child ) , which I know sounds really trivial , but it's those sort of constant comments which really annoy me. I do think to myself what would I sound like if I said similar things and it is just rude !

Your mum sounds toxic and your Dad is her enabler.
The reason he doesn't stand up to her much is the reason she married him, she requires a partner to be submissive to her bullying.

Your dad will find it difficult to see you without her simply because he, by default, does as she tells him, that will be his first action always, to cow-tow to her.
You come way down the list of priorites for both of them.

People often think enablers are "lovely" mainly because enablers can't stand up for themselves, so never rock the boat or say anyhting they think will get them into trouble with the person who dominates them (your mother in this case).

You need to acknowledge that everything in your family revolves around what your mother wants and you either accept that or cut her out, which means really cutting your dad out as well as his life revolves around your mum.

What would you sound like?.... Why not give it a try? Could be fun. If it's 'mean' to collect more eggs, for example, confront her. "What is really mean is a grown woman standing there making nasty comments about my child & thinking I won't say anything."

My DM once called my DS a 'spoilt brat' within my earshot. Last time she did that, I can tell you....

If the Mum is an emotional abuser, the Dad is actually a victim. Blaming him doesn't help.

I disagree.

Of course the enabling parent is a victim. They remain a parent, and so long as they kow-tow to their bulllying spouse, they are choosing a quiet life ahead of their own child's well-being. Placing the responsibility for that failure as a parent at the enabling parent's door is just as important as placing responsibility for the bullying parent's actions at the bully's door.

I think its just really hard to cut your own parents out of your life, while knowing that it could be completely different.

I recommend 2 things though -

1. Distance her a lot more than already do, and do some healing in your own heart away from her, and in full reality of what you are openly doing and why. Its alright to hurt about it and I think you might expect that.
2. Be honest with her / other people when they ask. Devise a set sentence or two and repeat like a record. 'Yes, she has a habit of being unkind to us, so we are keeping our distance for now. So how have you been? What? Yes, we are keeping our distance for now. Well she has been very unkind to us.' etc Use this on her as well. Let her know what you are doing and why when she asks. Expect fallout from that, but put the barricades up, don't engage with argument.

Best of luck. I prescribe a massive cuddle from your husband and lots of outings with him, your kids, his side of the familia and your girl friends, to help heal the wound and make happy vibes on an ongoing basis.

Eliza73,

re your comment:-
"I think that was the parenting style in the 70's although she always liked to put me down, making me walk the dog every day when I was 15 because she said I was getting fat although I was a size 8 at the time ! She was also quite controlling as I grew up ,I wasn't allowed to go out with friends until I was 17 and even then I had to come home at a ridiculously early time".

Sorry to write this but it has nothing to do with any parenting style; your mother could be seen as a toxic parent. She disliked you and saw you as "competition" (and likely still does). In your birth family unit your siblings were and are favoured with you being the scapegoat for all her ills.

You would not tolerate such from a friend and your mother is truly no different in that regard.

What Miggsie wrote earlier too.

I would not let your supposedly henpecked Dad off the hook either as he has likely played the bystander role within your dysfunctional birth family unit; i.e act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He failed to protect you from her excesses of behaviour and likely sided with her all the time to your detriment. She chose him because as her enabler, he is easy to manipulate.

It seems your own boundaries re your parents are set very low; these need to be raised a hell of a lot higher than they are now.

Toxic parents more often than not are toxic grandparents as well; she will start on your children soon enough if given an opportunity.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and have a look at the thread on this Relationships page called "well we took you to Stately Homes". It could well help you.

"I think its just really hard to cut your own parents out of your life, while knowing that it could be completely different".

This is true but toxic parents do not and never do play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. Its always their way or no way. These people are not emotionally healthy functioning individuals.

eliza you sound like me....my mum was exactly the same as yours for years, controlling, belittling, mean, nasty comments etc and i put up with it for years....because i loved my mum and dad...as the eldest i did everything i could but my lil sis and lil bro got all the attention...whenever my mum would fall out with me..dh would make me apologise and said it was always my fault...as my mum never showed her nasty side to others....it was one day when i went in parents house that my mum actually verbally attacked my dh with our son next to him, when he walked through the door....
i was glad it happened as it showed dh what a nasty, vile piece of work this woman is.....my dad sided with her and i stood up to both of them and walked out of their lives...(if i told you what it was about you would not believe me but it is very true)

they are still alive and i have no interest in what they do....or whether they die or live....if you are going to disown them make sure you can live with this fact as once you have done this you cannot go back to how things were....

have a good think on it

hugs sweetie xxx

Thank you everyone for your advice..I agree with all and I think it will be easy to distance myself, as I said she never rings or agrees to meet up , so it will be interesting to see her response if she doesn't hear from me.I have had a look before at the stately homes thread...the title makes me laugh as my mum has said similar things. My favourite is..But I made you homemade Sindy clothes !

I guess it's more upsetting that she favours my sister and brother over me. On a positive note, it has made me very aware of how to treat my children, although I think being in a situation like this , having children does seem to bring on lots of horrid flashbacks.The last time I spoke to her was to tell her her grandson had won player of the year for his rugby , 3rd year running ...my Dad was really excited , but she just said " how boring, isn't it someone else's turn " I said I was glad DS hadn't told her and she then backtracked .

I think you are right, I need to surround myself with positive, kind people for my family's sake really. It's good to know it isn't just me who has a strange family either !