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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?

27 replies

stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 11:11

Not sure where to post this but here goes.....

A bit of background....am very happily married to dh, we have been together 4 years and married for 3. Second time round for both of us. We live with my two dcs aged 9 and 10. DS plays rugby and as dh works shifts I always take him to training and matches. Over past 2.5 years have made some good friends at the club, lovely group of parents, coaches etc. DH comes to watch matches when he can and we both went with ds on a recent tour which was great fun. Ok so,

last Friday morning I arrived back from taking dcs to school, fished out my phone to put on side in kitchen as I always do. I noticed there was a text message...I opened it and nearly fell through the floor, it read, "Hi xxx this is xxxx who lives with xxxx (one of ds's rugby coaches) I will be dropping off all his things when I finished work as he tells me you are now together" I was shocked, totally confused. Rang my friend who advised I should wake up dh and show him text. I did this and we both spent the morning scratching our heads trying to make sense of it. He tried ringing the coach - went straight to answerphone so he left message for him to ring him. I text his partner back and said don't know what hell is going on, am happily married, shocked and speechless. DH also sent text to coaches' partner saying there must be some terrible mistake what the hell is going on.

Anyway, coaches' partner rang back and spoke to dh, she was quite calm, not at all aggressive and told dh that coach had got drunk a couple weeks ago and then declared that he wanted her to leave and that he was in love with me!!! We are both totally shocked as this person, although has always been friends with both of us, have never come on to me, been remotely suggestive, however we do exchange texts regarding rugby and we got on well. I honestly thought he liked me, perhaps thought I was quite funny as I have a good sense of humour but that was it.

DH and I tried to make contact with him and he did text back to dh (via my phone) saying that they have been going through a very bad patch and because he texts and speaks to me about rugby he doesn't know what the hell she thinks, all he can do is say sorry and that he will sort this out. 2 days later is presentation day for rugby - we both go with ds. He is there, can hardly look at us, but did say to me when he asked me to sign a card, I owe you both a massive apology, then that was it. He won't answer our calls and neither got an apology or explanation.

This has left dh and I feeling confused and pissed off. DH has been incredibly understanding but I would be absolutely gutted if it had been the other way round. We are more solid than ever but both feel we need to clear the air with this person. I can't get my head around this, I don't know what to feel, flattered, upset, pissed off, confused....4 days on and I just keep thinking about it and can't function normally.

Sorry this is so long but I need some impartial thoughts/advice, anything really.

OP posts:
clam · 15/05/2012 11:22

How very bizarre! But at least he (rugby dh) has acknowledged there are issues in his marriage, his wife has seemingly jumped to the wrong conclusion and he's trying to deal with it. I imagine he's embarrassed that you've been dragged into it, but that's probably the least of his worries at the moment.

All you can do is thank the heavens you and your dh are solid and it hasn't caused a problem between the two of you --- and be aware that there might be some gossip at the club. You might need to clear your name at some point soon, but bide your time on that.

Good luck - how horrid for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 11:26

She's leapt to assumptions on the strength of one drunken 'confession' and a few texts. You've no idea what was actually said and I suspect the truth is more complicated. She may have sent similar messages to other women friends of his in an attempt to make life difficult for him... stranger things have happened. Leave them be and let them work it through. He'll be very embarrassed about it, I'm sure.

Hyperballad · 15/05/2012 11:26

How awkward for you!

This though is their business, it is their marriage that is in trouble and if his wife could rewind the clock I'm sure she would not send that text to you. People do daft things in the height of emotions don't they?!

The husband has apologised to you both and he will be feeling terrible about this.

I think you just leave it now. Natural for you to feel all churned up about it but just focus on how lucky you are in your lovely marriage and leave them alone to get on with theirs.

It won't be easy but get on with your rugby trips and matches as if nothing has happened and over time this will all blow over and will probably be something you can have a good giggle about in the end.

Good luck x

olgaga · 15/05/2012 11:33

It's difficult without knowing the conversation they had, but it does sound like (as clam says), she has felt insecure and jumped to the wrong conclusion about your text contact and perhaps challenged him. Maybe in the heat of the moment, if they are on the verge of splitting up, he did say something about preferring your company to hers - who knows?

You'll probably never know. So try not to make a big thing of it, it's their marriage, so the best thing you can do is keep your involvement to an absolute minimum.

Carry on as normal, and if any gossip comes your way, laugh it off.

olgaga · 15/05/2012 11:35

It may also be that as Cogito suspects, she sent similar messages to other female contacts in an attempt to "flush out" the culprit!

stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 11:38

Thanks for replies and advice. My friend feels that the only way to clear this up is for the four of us to meet up and talk it through. Dh and I feel, like hyperballad says, that this is their problem to work out. I suppose the reason he won't talk to either of us is that he is too embarrassed. I spoke to a very close auntie yesterday who said that my problem is that I have no idea that another man could be attracted to me and because I'm so happy with dh she has noticed that I am radiant Blush and others will pick up on it. I keep wracking my brains thinking that this is somehow my fault but I've honestly done nothing to encourage him.....other than be my normal happy, funny self.

OP posts:
Hassled · 15/05/2012 11:43

Hideous for you - but I think your best bet is to keep your head down and do nothing. If you've had presentations, does that mean the season's over for a while? If so - just avoid and hope by the Autumn they've sorted themselves out one way or another.

I reckon the wife was unhappy/twitchy anyway, he made a drunken "stripey's so gorgeous" speech and she assumed the worst.

emsyj · 15/05/2012 11:44

I don't think the 4 of you need to meet up and talk it through. It is unfortunate that you have been caught up in their marital difficulties, but really it is absolutely none of your business and it would be grossly inappropriate to keep trying to contact them.

It seems odd to me that you 'can't function normally' Confused. Why is that? If you are happily married and don't like this man back I am really struggling to understand why this event has so much significance for you.

likeatonneofbricks · 15/05/2012 11:47

I really can't see what is the big deal, people do have crushes on those they aer in regular contact with, he may be in love even, but why is it bothering you so much? you are happy with dh, so this should just bounce off you. Unpleasant for his partner and embarrassing for him, but why are you so churned up? Maybe also he's just a fantasist by nature. EVERY woman can have an admirer.

likeatonneofbricks · 15/05/2012 11:48

4 if you meeting up - no, very awkward ! what for? just leave it to them to sort out their problems.

likeatonneofbricks · 15/05/2012 11:48

4 of you

likeatonneofbricks · 15/05/2012 11:49

cross posts emsyj!

CalamityKate · 15/05/2012 11:51

I imagine the scenario has been something like:

Her: You never text me any more! You text more than you text me! I've seen the way you chat to her!

Him: Oh here we go again. Yeah, I chat to her and text her, so what? She's easier to talk to than you are.

Her: Well piss off and get with her then!

Him: Well I wish I could! She's easy to talk to AND goodlooking!

Or words to that effect. You know how you say stuff in the heat of the moment.

Stop fretting and leave them to it. My, but he must be MORTIFIED!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 11:52

FFS don't go to this foursome idea!!!!!!! It's their problem, not yours.

olgaga · 15/05/2012 11:54

Oh my goodness the 4 of you meet up? Cringe! Can you imagine, it would be like the end of an episode of Wife Swap...

Please just forget about it and laugh it off.

savoycabbage · 15/05/2012 11:55

Don't meet with them in the style of Wife Swap!

I would just crack on with ordinary life. My dh and I were once friends with a couple who lurched from one drama to the next. Mostly created by themselves. We found it all a bit bewildering as we are quite dull. You have handled it well I think.

stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 11:56

I suppose I am churned up because it was such a shock, to receive a text out of the blue from a woman who said she would be dropping all his stuff off was awful. I thought this guy was a friend and both dh and I got on well with him and had a lot of laughs and banter. I'm a natural worrier and am wondering how things will be when the season starts again in September. I guess things will have well and truly blown over by then.

OP posts:
stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 11:58

I'm glad some of you think the 4 of us meet up was a crap idea. I have no wish to meet up - as some of you have said, its not our problem its theirs. To meet up would be the most cringeworthy experience I could imagine

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 11:58

'Things' will be awkward to start with but cross that bridge when you come to it.

CalamityKate · 15/05/2012 12:00

I think that the friend who suggested that the four of you meet up is probably treating the whole thing like an episode of EastEnders Grin

Did she by any chance ask if she could come too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 12:00

I think the friend that suggested you all meet up has been watching too much Jeremy Kyle..... 'On today's show... she thinks he's knobbing a soccer-mom!!! You decide...."

stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 12:13

Calamitykate, no friend didn't ask if she could come too :o but she does keep saying I don't want to get involved but actually I think she is loving the drama! Her ds is in same rugby team as my ds and her ds goes to school with ds of said coach! Coachs's partner sounded her out last week apparently asking what she thought about me etc! My friend didnt tell me this until after the text was received on Friday morning. Trying to be everyone's friend I think and loving the excitement I think.

OP posts:
Hyperballad · 15/05/2012 12:33

Ha think cognito has your friend right! Watch out for her they can make these situations a whole lot worse. Do not meet up altogether, I don't think she could have given you worst advice if she tried!

CalamityKate · 15/05/2012 12:36

"Loving the excitement" - oh yes, I bet she is! Grin

stripeytiger · 15/05/2012 12:36

forgot to mention that both his ds and mine, go to cricket over the summer months so I am going to bump into him or his partner......should I just act as if nothing has happened? Be my usual self, keep my distance and not speak...just don't know. I know its their problem but I'm a sensitive person and just want to do the right thing without causing any more awkwardness to any of us.

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