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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with friends making little nasty comments? [hmm]

16 replies

RomyMadison · 15/05/2012 10:27

Recently some old friends have been saying 'oh you've changed a lot since you had kids' or just making lots of little comments like 'I'd invite you out but i'm sure you've got things to do like tidy up' i smile and grit my teeth usually but its really getting under my skin.

OP posts:
kittycatwoman · 15/05/2012 10:32

I doubt they are actually your 'friends'

glastocat · 15/05/2012 10:32

I would say 'did you mean that to sound as nasty as it did?' with a big smile.

Then if they keep doing it, drop them, they are not a real friend.

HugeFurryWishingStool · 15/05/2012 10:33

Can you not quip back at them? Dig at them for being on the shelf/drunkards/sad/delete as appropriate?

LilRedWG · 15/05/2012 10:39

I wouldn't count them as friends to be honest. Find yourself some realy ones.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2012 10:44

It depends how they say it, if it's muttered or nasty remarks, then perhaps give them a wide berth. But perhaps they are also looking for an opportunity to discuss how things have changed since you have settled down and had kids, and their own hopes and fears for the future (that this is/isnt' what I want). I would call them on the bitchy remarks, but surely if you are good friends, these friendships could survive a bit of scrutiny and discussion about how life moves on.

pictish · 15/05/2012 10:46

'I'd invite you out but i'm sure you've got things to do like tidy up'

Friends? Confused

That sounds bitchy as hell!

janelikesjam · 15/05/2012 10:46

How about "Gosh, Thats sounds rude" and then leave a non-commital space for them to respond (justify, explain, yada, yada, etc etc.). The main thing is it puts the problem back in THEIR court (grrr...)!

There is the mumsnet classic "Did you mean that to sound so rude?" which also sounds good, but I always forget it ...

GoPoldark · 15/05/2012 10:47

Big smile:

'Wow, that sounded really rude! Did you realise? Gosh, you'd never have said that a few years ago... before I had kids. Watch out, or people will think that you'r jealous!' (TINKLY LAUGH OF DEATH)

RomyMadison · 15/05/2012 10:48

They are my old friends that are childless and just don't get it. The are lovely when the situation suits them but now I'm apparently 'boring romy' not the 'old romy'. Maybe it is time to move on and focus on my new friends.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 15/05/2012 10:48

I agree with Mumsyblouse. If you value their friendships and they are real friends then ask them what they mean and discuss what their thinking/what their assumptions are about. Then work out with them the best way to get some time together that fits in with your other commitments. If they're a bunch of bitches who are taking pleasure in putting you down then drop them. I wonder if you have trouble getting out - are you on your own with kids? or in a relationship where it's difficult to get out on your own?

Bluestocking · 15/05/2012 11:02

These people are not your friends. Drop them like a hot sack of shit.

Bluesue26 · 15/05/2012 11:26

I remember a few friends asking why I didn't go out as much anymore and almost implying that DH was "keeping me home". The truth of it was that yes I had changed, I didn't want to spend loads of money on a boozy night out when I could spend it on my DD. I didn't want to have a hangover and have to look after my daughter. I'd just rather spend the time with my little family to be honest. Anyway, my friends were never bitchy about it and trust me their attitudes changed too when they had families of their own.
You've just different priorities now.

redrubyshoes · 15/05/2012 11:31

I recently dropped a friend like that. Every remark had a little 'undercut' to it from the comments on my car, my hair, my clothes..............

I dumped her and now I realise I had nothing in common with her anyway.

She was a 'frenemy'.

Stick to the friends that make you laugh, stick up for you and help you out.

Hassled · 15/05/2012 11:33

You've moved on - and they lack the imagination to accept or understand that. I have a friend who's a bit the same - but the difference is while I know she doesn't begin to understand my life, she doesn't make bitchy comments about it either. These people sound like they're asking to be dumped.

MmBovary · 15/05/2012 11:52

I didn't know this before, but now I'm convinced that it is really hard to keep all your friends from when you were single and childless once you've got kids. Very few friendships will survive the big change in your life that having kids is. The real ones will survive and the rest will slowly fall into the background and be left behind.

My advice would be that you have to take control of this situation, and decide who you want to keep and who you'd rather ditch.

Female friendship is generally very unforgiving of major changes in our life, call it a new boyfriend, a big step forward in career, a move abroad, having children. Only the really strong ones will survive that.

I've felt very disappointed as well about the attitude of some friends after I had my son. Then I made a new group of friends when my DS was a baby. Then I had my second, and realised it was hard to keep the friendship with those mums who had only one.

It is sad, but a lot of women friends don't like it when you are not exactly on the level as they are in your life. Understanding this will allow you to take control and not feel so much hurt and disappointment.

Mumsyblouse · 15/05/2012 12:09

I would not cut out a whole group of friends unless they were a bunch of bitches and not really your friends in the first place. I really disagree with all this cut them out and move on stuff. Is there one person who is particularly like this? Can you talk with them about it? Is there any truth that you have dropped them lately (there's a difference between having different priorities and having just no time whatsoever for friends)?

There are so many people on MN who, having moved on and cut off their friends, are lonely and find it hard to make new ones. I wouldn't take any crap off them, but equally, their circumstances may change, they might have children or settle down and see that actually, your behaviour makes sense and that they were being a little unfair. Secondly, what makes you think a new gang of women friends won't be the same? There's plenty of threads on here about disappointment with mummy friends/not having much in common.

I also think you need to be wary of ditching the 'old Romy' quite so suddenly. In those first few years of full on child-rearing with toddlers and screaming babies, you can feel like you've lost yourself a bit, and perhaps your friends feel they've lost you too. But this changes, you can't sit in with your family forever (or at least most people do like to have a social life external to their family) and you may want to go out, not in the same way, but as you all grow up and mature. YOur mummy identity may be at the fore now, but you are not just a mummy, are you?

None of this applies if they are a bunch of bitches, but if there are salvageable friendships in there, and it's really only the odd remark and perhaps a little of your projection (do you feel like the 'boring Romy' or do they actually say this to you) then I would stay friends, or at least, not delete their numbers just yet.

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