Where do we go from here?

[sickofthebloodyrain]

Been with H 15 years, 3 kids (one mine from previous relationship), married 6 years.

We have had a lot of ups and downs. He is a terrible perfectionist, I am not.

In arguments or disagreements he has no comment that is too low for him to say, where as for me there are some things I would never say, no matter how much I believed them at that moment.

He works very long hours. Because of this I stayed at home when DC were small. Now they are all at school I am looking to return to work, but need to find something which fits school hours which is proving impossible. I am currently retraining to allow me to have more chance of securing one of these jobs. I have always fully supported his career, helping him with training, testing him, helping with applications and obviously being here for the DC day and night so he can go on training courses and work the hours required. This is a job he wants to do, not one that he is stuck in or anything.

He likes to imply that I am lazy as I don't work the same long hours as him - I have posted about this before under a different name.

On sunday I woke up in some pain - I have back and hip problems and due to a family day out on saturday, I was suffering a little first thing. Whilst I was out of the room, he asked younger DC waht they would like to do that day. I had no idea conversation had taken place so about 10 mins later I asked them the same question. It turned out they had all decided to go on a bike ride to the park. I commented that I didn't think I could manage that first thing as I was in some pain and maybe we could drive there.

DH went off on one, shouted at me etc etc, saying why was I unable to make a decision etc etc. Because of this I decided not to go to the park, as did DS2, so he just took DS3 (in the car!!!)

He then had a row with DC1, over nothing and really shouted at him. Leaving DC 1 in tears, saying they wished I never married him etc.

Throught the day DH was an arse. When I questioned him on it he was verbally aggressive, saying I was a ditherer, all I do is whittle on and why could I never make a fucking decision.

This is not the first time he has spoken to me like this so I told him I was making the decision not to put up with his behaviour anymore and if he wanted our relationship to continue he will have to change his behaviour (i'm paraphrasing quite a lot, there were quite a few exchanges along the same lines).

When I did lunch (only sandwiches!) he was of course ore than happy to join us, eat in silence, not even a polite thank you as apparently it's my job.

Between 2pm sunday and 8 pm yesterday we didn't communicate, apart froma text from him saying when he would be home.

So last night, after he had got home, had a shower and was about to go to bed at 8.30 ( he likes to ignore arguments until they just go away) I asked to talk to him. He basically said he believes I am lazy as I sit down in the evenings when there are jobs I could be doing, like completing the ironing. Apparently last week there was a pile of books on the desk for 3 days and although I did a deep clean of the kitchen last week, I dind't clean the oven and I should be looking after the kitchen better.

I pointed out that our house is always clean and mostly tidy, but that people do live here and it isn't ikea. That the oven isn't cleaned as pay day is friday and we couldn't afford the cleaning stuff til then.( we have spent quite a lot this month on some luxuries for the family and overdone it a little!)

I have asked him why he wants to be with someone who he believes to be lazy, a ditherer and someone that whittles on all the time. I told him I would not go through life being slagged off all the time, I have supported him though all his career development but yet he takes no ineterest in my college course or job applications, just moans I don't have a job yet. (childcare is non existant for DCs school which is why I really need school hours).

I walked away to leave him to think about it and he went to bed.

Today I am writing a list of everything I do (except this post!). I am even at the stage where I doubt everyhting I do in case he questions it. He used to moan that when I emptied the dryer I would leave the folded things there for a while, so I made sure they're immediately put away, but now it's the oven isn't clean. As soon as I sort the thing he is moaning about, he finds something else. It's like whatever I do will never be enough.

I want to be with someone that actually quite likes me, not someone who constantly builds up resentment because I'm not perfect.

So I don't know what to do.

I'm thinking of asking him to move out for a while to see how we go, but we have a holiday coming up. I have no income or pension and that really worries me, wlthough I have done 3 applications this week so you never know, plus my training should be finished in the next few months, so this will hopefully help.

The thing is i'm not as hardworkign as him as he would literally run himslef into the ground for his job as that is what he is like, but I am not. I want to do stuff with the kids and not constantly worry that there might be a toy gun on the table (that is the extent of any untidiness).

What do I do? Any advice or words of wisdom greatly appreciated, even if you're not on my side!

I won't be abck for a while as i'll obviously be cleaning!

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long

I think the separation sounds like a good idea. From what you write, your place in this man's eyes is 'in the wrong'... The children are obviously wise to his behaviour. So what if you're not as obsessive as him and are able to sit down and relax in the evening? How is that your problem? Being constantly told that you are lazy, indecisive and all these other alleged errors and 'low comments' sounds like a deliberate campaign designed to grind your self-esteem into the ground. It is not the behaviour of a loving and supportive partner. Read some threads on here about 'emotional abuse' and you may find something familiar.

Many long-term relationships end up being characterised by low-level sniping but what you describe goes way beyond that. I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone behaving so aggressively. How could you relax? You go and he can stay home, perhaps? And do talk to a solicitor or CAB about your legal & financial rights as a wife in the event of a divorce. Never hurts to have the information, even if you don't take it any further.

Another observation would be this. Does he think he 'rescued' you as a single mum of three? Does he see himself as the Great Protector for which you should be eternally grateful? Do you see yourself that way?... Is it acceptable to you that sandwiches, ironing and oven cleaning are 'your job'? And is the prospect of you getting paid employment and not being 100% dependent on him - and therefore not in his control - a trigger?

No I don't think he sees himself as my rescuer. When we met I was working full time, had a place of my own (albeit a council place) and was fine. The younger 2 DC are his - there is quite a big age gap.

He isn't controlling in the respect of not wanting me to work - he does want me to work, the longer hours the better I think and as much money as possible. He is slighly obsessed with finances.

Thinking back though, even when I did work full time and at the time he was working away so I did everything, but we still only had 1 DC, he still picked on things. I think now he just thinks he has more ammunition as I don't work.

I don't see myself as rescued, but I have always suffered from some anxiety which is a million times better than it used to be, and I do doubt myself when he calls me names. Even today, writing down everthint I do i'm wondering if it's really enough.

I am struggling to find the confidence to get back to work and although I put my all into my applications, although part of me wants to be successful, there is another part that is petrified and hoping they don't call me.

He has lots of 'issues' which I think stem back to his faily, who are equally horrible and unable to be nice to people. He seems to never be happy or content, nothing is ever good enough and the glass is definitely haf empty. Every day out has to have a problem, we have probably never had a day out or holiday without a row, disagreement or some sniping of some sort.

The holiday is an all or nothing I think. It's camping and we've just spent a lot of money on the tent. I don't think i'd be able to do it myself. But it's not for another 3 weeks, I just double checked. Maybe he could stay somewhere else til then and see how we go.

I think i'm hoping he'll have a sudden realisation thatr he's being an arse.

Sadly, anxiety and lack of confidence can often act like beacons to bullies like your DH who enjoy picking on people who they perceive to be weak or inferior. They use it to their advantage, playing on your natural fears and insecurities in order to be in control. So doubting yourself, wondering if you are doing enough, and struggling to find confidence would be consistent with having spent the last however many years in an environment with a bully.

His 'issues' are really not your problem. If he is a miserable, pessimistic sort, only happy when moaning about something, it is entirely his decision to behave that way and entirely his responsibility to change. You cannot make people like this happy but they are prepared to let you run yourself ragged trying.

My view on this kind of relationship is that separation often 'breaks the spell'. Time apart means you begin to see that you can cope perfectly well and are none of the ridiculous things he has been calling you. You will be able to sit on your sofa with gay abandon at any time of day :)

I think you have hit the nail on the head, although he isn't happy, he's bloody miserable. I asked him why he would want to be with someone that is all the things he calls me, and does he actually like me? He says he does. I truly believe that he doesn't know how to be nice to people - his family are the same. But he's had long enough to work it out!

I think i'm hoping that if he moves out for a couple of weeks he will be desparate to come back and be nice. I do realise how pathetic and needy that makes me sound though.

It's just a bit scary, knowing where this could lead.

FWIW my exH was something of a miserable bugger as well. He was only happy when he was unhappy... you'll know what I mean.... and, being the optimistic, problem-solving mug that I am, I must have spent hours listening to his gripes, trying to help. What bugs these people (and I've met a few of them now) is when others aren't as unhappy & dissatisfied with life as they are. It annoys them that we don't get wound up by the same trivia that infuriates them. So they set about bringing us down to their level, popping our bubbles, crushing our spirit and reassuring us that life actually is shit but we are just too thick/lazy to have noticed. :)

I found that when I put my foot down he would flip around to being Husband of the Year for a while, but it never lasted. Eventually he left me for someone who presumably enjoyed listening to his neuroses..... poor cow! Good luck