How to end a friendship?

[cheapskatemum]

Help! I honestly don't think I've ever done this before. Obviously I've had friends drift in & out of my life and one friend deliberately cut me and the others in our circle out of her life for a while, BUT...

I am beginning to feel used by a friend who seems only able to contact me when they want something. I have tried to be a supportive friend, but it only ever seems to work one way in this particular relationship. Any other MNers who've reached the stage where they want a friendship to end, what did you do?

Any comments/suggestions welcomed, can also supply more information if required.

Yup - I have threads on this matter somewhere! Sorry you feel used :(

What I did was simply to stop contact, if they are relying on you to be supportive and its one sided their contact efforts will be either minimal or nil. Be pleasant when in company or if some one discusses them/brings their name up but make no attempts to contact the person yourself.
When they do contact you to use your goodness for their own benefit be busy - have a list of things prepared to be doing that they cannot come along too - dr's app,dentist,visit parents,non mutual friends etc. Then make no effort to contact them back to re arrange leave it to them. In the time it takes for them to re make contact they will have gotten through that drama and with any luck found another shoulder to cry on.

I KNOW what I suggest is harsh but if the relationship is a toxic one that is bringing you down and you cannot tell them to bugger off the cutting them out/being forever busy tact is the simplest way.

Oh and if they email you, get a new hotmail or gmail account

Thank you, you are so right, they only contact me when they want something. What's pissed me off recently is they can't even bother to answer my texts (general enquiries about health etc), but when they're in need I get texts from them daily.

We were thinking of cancelling our landline phoneline, which involves changing from btinternet email accounts, so whereas I might have baulked at changing my email address ordinarily, it looks like that's a given anyway!

Thanks so much again. I think I also needed reassurance I wasn't just being a cow.

Nope not a cow - life is too short to be a doormat hun - I have thrown that t-shirt out LOL and tbh Ive only seen this friend once since and my life is soooooo much better for it.

um, just tell them you are ending the friendship because of 'x' reason, I hate all this cloak and dagger, not taking calls, making yourself unavailable stuff.

I did this recently in an email, as this particular 'friend' was so toxic, and had an answer for everything making it impossible to have a sensible conversation with her.

Devilinside, this friend is not all bad. It's just that I've noticed if I do something once, even if it's at great personal cost (ie, I don't have the time, so had to cancel something else in order to manage it), they expect me to do it from then on, so I'm always on the back foot, explaining why this is just not possible.

We do have sensible conversations, but if I said what you suggest to them, I know they'd manage to talk me round.

I have to do something similar, so I came on your thread.

I moved to a new village to buy and knew no-one. I met a married woman at the back with 2 kids, we became quite good friends, popping in and out, sharing our lives. We were very different in that I am single and childless and work, she is married and has never worked and had a few issues. I didn't care about the issues. I still thought she was a great laugh.

But she would always say 'Oh I don't suppose you could...?' either drive me, lend me, give me, let me borrow etc. It annoyed me. I felt like she often came only to borrow something. She has a whole family round her where I have no parents or brothers or sisters and have to make sure I am alright all by myself. Plus she would be horrible to me if I dared to say no! Once she sent me shitty emails via facebook and said no wonder I was lonely. I left her be for a few months after that, as it was just so needless and hurtful. but I had a dream something bad happened to her, so I went round, that it had happened to her, and we got back together as friends.

I spoke to her about the borrowing and lending and driving and really levelled at her. She said she knew she'd blown it with me the second she pressed send on that email. I said yes that did hurt. She said she had a spiteful streak.

Anyway we were OK for a bit after that, but now it is starting again. Blanking me for no reason. Came round really quickly one night 'Hi can I come round?' and then wanted something cos she'd run out. 'Don't suppose you have a ...do you?' I gave it. I asked for it back, she was iffey with me about giving it back. It was a small borrow but I wanted to make the point.

The change this time tho is that I have a new bf and am often out. But I contact her to say when I am back and can we get together. I missed her. I wanted to tell her all about him and bounce it off her. She blanked me on two nights we had arranged.

Now I feel like you. I feel she cannot be lied upon as a friend. I am sad because I genuinely had a good time with her and I enjoyed being close to a girlfriend, I like the trying on clothes and talking about cooking and watching TV and stuff.

But you have to be able to rely on friends, and in your case even talk to them, as your lady sounds like she just doesn't get normal boundaries! Sorry to hijack your thread, I guess I needed to get that off my chest! I haven't defreinded or anything and I will be sad to eventually do that but I need friends I can rely on, that I know actually like me. I don't think this one does. I feel that behind my back she would slag me off if I said no to a lift or whatnot.

I don't feel you have hijacked my thread at all! I wanted to hear if others had had similar experiences. My friend is from abroad, so doesn't have family around, but sometimes I feel more like a Mum than a friend & I'm already a Mum to 4 DCs, so I really don't need any more! Mine is the same about giving things back as well, always an excuse and they rarely materialise.

I'm happy for you that you have a bf now. I'm sure you'll soon be friends with his mates & meet other couples etc, which can be quite hard when you're new to a place, don't have to pick kids up from the local school and are at work most of the daytime. Thanks for responding.

I had a really demanding friend once. I met her at university and it started straight away - she'd always beg us to buy her a coffee, sandwich, beer or whatever as she couldn't afford it, then after a term it turned out she was living off a weekly bank transfer from her parents, who'd also paid all her fees and rent, and was SAVING (!) her entire student loan in a separate account. Meanwhile we were all burning through ours to fund her. Grr. Can you tell I'm still peeved ten years on? I know it's petty but she's still exactly like this - given the chance she'd suck anyone dry and then ask for more.

She'd demand my company or time whenever she was feeling bored or whiny, but never think to ask how I was. She once turned up at my doorstep at 9 pm with all her bedding, expecting me to kick my boyfriend out so she could sleep in my room because she was bored at home. Her on-again-off-again boyfriend's mother had terminal cancer and she used to shout at him if she thought he wasn't paying her enough attention, then call me and complain that she was sad about it too and why couldn't he show her a bit more compassion (whaaaat?).

I knew a few people who tried to dump her as a friend. I saw the fallout and honestly couldn't face the drama. Instead I'm afraid I did the fading away, not answering calls, ignoring all demands for help, loans etc. I know it's not ideal but there was honestly just no talking to this woman - if it wasn't what she wanted to hear, she'd either pitch a fit or just pretend you'd never said it. We're now acquaintances, but distant enough that even she doesn't feel able to hassle me for stuff.

Sorry for the lengthy ramble! What I'm trying to say is that it's perfectly justified to end a friendship if it's heavily one-sided. Friendships can be hard work, like any relationship, but it's supposed to be more fun than not. If all you ever do is support someone then after a while your reserves are going to run dry. And if you honestly don't think the friend-dumping conversation is going to work, you're not obliged to have it. You can just create a bit more distance and stop giving in to demands.

I've had to slowly 'phase out' a friend recently. She's the partner of my husband's best friend so being totally honest with her wasn't really an option unless I wanted to destroy the relationship husband has with his long-term friend.

Basically, our DC's are a similar age which was nice at first but I started to notice her getting more and more competitive about silly things. Anything I bought for my DC you could be damn sure her's would have the same within 24 hours. Her DC has been practically perfect since birth and I found the whole business very draining and exhausting. After a debacle where she threw a hissy fit at me for trying to 'upstage' her DC when birthdays rolled around, I've almost completely cut her off. But as others have said, if your so-called friend doesn't try to make contact (and she hasn't with me at all except for social events in the last 6 months), I think its safe to assume the friendship is dead.

I'm not normally one for the softly softly phase out, but felt it was necessary here. Incidently, I feel loads better now I don't see her much and am always friendly at social events. :)

Thank you both. Leguminous your ex friend sounds like a total egomaniac. I just can't imagine thinking one's own needs were greater than those of a beloved parent with cancer. No wonder her BF was on/off!

NiniLITA, as a parent of teenagers, I bet your ex friend's DC won't continue being perfect. Imagine the pressure they must be under. A window to watch!

It's been nearly a week now and I must admit I find myself worrying about how my "friend" is getting on, as helping out had become so much part of my life! Then I just tell myself it's not my problem any more (nor ever was, in fact) and feeling much freer to just get on with MY life.

Can I just add the other side to this?

I was that friend once!

I lost 2 friends because I was being demanding - of their time and ear space once. I had problems in my relationship and was also changing careers, all of which meant I used fiends as a sounding board.

Both friends dropped me- one simply told me not to phone her so much as she didn't have time- and gave me very precise times/weeks when she had more time. I was okay about that but wish she had spoken up before she reached that point.

The other friend just disappeared, which I still feel sad about as I really liked her. I had supported her through a lot but on balance I was being more needy.

She drifted away- took ages to reply to emails, stopped suggesting we met, and finally she didn't reply to an email in which I said Ihad been overly needy.

In both these cases I wished they had spoken up sooner- in a humorous way and said somethng like "Oh you're not on about that again, are you!"

it would have shut me up and made me realise they were fed up with listening, rather than saying nothing nad walking away.

so- maybe give her the chance to behave differently?

I did that with my friend, I made a joke that I was like her taxi and she blew right up at me and said not to bother with her ever again and no wonder I was lonely if this was my quality of friendship.....

Maybe you pick better friends than I do in general.....!!!

I am feeling sad about my friend today as it is her bday and I have texted and fb'd and she is just not getting back to me at all now. I think there is openly an issue on the table. I wonder if it is because I said to her that maybe she ought to get something together for herself so she doesn't have to rely on others so much or maybe that I do not have stuff to lend her anymore and have to say no now (I am skint) and so maybe she doesn't see me as worth bothering with now?

All in all I have lost a friend. It is sad.

The sad thing is cheap, her DC is a lovely, happy little guy but I can see him being squashed by an overbearing mother. I can't bear to watch. Whenever I used to complain about my own DC going through a difficult phase, it would have been SO nice if she'd turned round and said "they can be difficult can't they, my DC is the same", rather than the one-upmanship she used to prefer. But I digress. :)

amelia, I too have been dumped by friends before and yes it does really hurt. Big hugs :( . But I guess it depends on the situation, they're all different. Personally I think in this case cheap is better off having mimimal contact with her 'friend'.

Thanks for your side of things ameliagrey, I have talked & talked things through with this friend - marriage difficulties, for eg & haven't minded that at all. In the same way they have been there for me when I've had difficulties with DSs. I have also been cut off by a friend before, as I posted, which hurt me deeply. At least we know the reason why we were cut off, or phased out.

My problem was more like something2say's, and leguminous': the money side. Surely someone who earns a good salary & has taught maths can't continuously be short of cash? I understand that crises do happen, but not every week. I have come to the conclusion that I was being taken for a mug, which isn't ideally how one would like to consider oneself! I will miss this friend too, especially on their birthday in August &, like s2s, I will be very tempted to text then, but feel sure that if I do, the pleasantries will soon turn to requests & I'll be back to square one. They still haven't contacted me & I think they have probably, again like s2s's friend, realise they've gone too far and are lying low for a bit.

Thrashing it out on here is really helping, sometimes when you see something typed in black & white, it seems so obvious, whereas when it's whirling round your head, all the ifs & buts preclude that. So thank you all again, very much, for your time & thoughts.