Loyalty, am I expecting too much?

[Sadalotofthetime]

I'm sorry this is going to be long and I hope I make sense. I have a pain in my stomach and I havenobody to confide in.
A bit if background history. Dh and I are married for 14 years and we gave two dc. We haven't been getting on too well for the past year.

Basically I told my dh something about what a friend of ours tried to do to me when were all after drinking a lot at a house party over a year ago. Basically male friend followed me upstairs when I went to the lii and cornered me and wouldn't let me back downstairs claiming my dh and his dw wanted to be alone and then he went on to grab me and tell me sexually explicit things about sex with his dw. After a while I managed to get downstairs again and just told my dh nit to leave my side. I didn't tell my dh until recently because we always got on well with this couple and have been friends for a long time. However recently it came up due to pressures to organize a weekend break together and I don't feel comfortable about it. It took a few goes to tell my dh, as I think he thinks whilst what friend did was inappropriate, because of the drink he thinks it's excusable. Anyway dh seemed nit too bothered by it. Anyway in the meantime friend invited dh to an event that happens to be on my birthday and eventhough dh says he would rather be with me for that occasion he sent a text to friend this evening saying sadly and unfortunately he cannot go because it's my birthday. Friend already knew it was my birthday when he asked. I got really upset because I see it as dh disrespecting me and he thinks that's nit the case and I'm overreacting. Then to
Make matters worse we have also become distant with another couple, I know it's not my fault, different reasons but my dh blames me for that fallout too and tonight said that the issues are with me. I'm sorry I'm probably not making much sense, but writing down is helping me a little anyway. I think my dh thinks his friends feelings aremore important than mine :(

Have reread and I make no sense. I just wanted to convey that after telling my dh the whole scenario, I was disappointed to see him writing a text and making a joke by way of belittling me that he would love to go to event with friend but can't because of me and my birthday sorry if you're confused :(

You're right Natashabee, normally there would be nothing wring with that. I suppose my dh didn't seem to care about what I had told him and instead of supporting me tried to justify our friend's behavior and I suppose I was just supper sensitive to the text.

If someone had harassed me or a friend in the way that bloke bothered you, I would go ballistic. And I would hope my other half would too. What a creep. And I would never see them again AND I would be broadcasting to everyone what a sex pest he is. Bloody hell.

I think you need to get more angry personally. Your h is a wet blanket who clearly thinks someone harassing you and not letting you leave a horrid situation isn't a problem. That makes him a creep too.

His text should have read: Hi. Cornered any women recently? I won't be coming to your do because you are a creep and if you ever pester my wife again, I will have your guts for garters.

Winkywinkola, that would be how I would react if someone did something to my dh but he considers me too emotional. I on one hand didn't want him to go ballistic as we all have been friends for quite a number of years and I would gave put it down to one mistake and if it happened again that would be it. I did however expect my dh to be more supportive and at least mildly angry that our friend made me feel like this. I think his reaction gas been cold and uncaring and now he is trying to change his tune and thinks we should talk to the friend But I think that would be more awkward. I'm just a. It stupid that I wanted my dh to put me and my feeling first and not fir his initial reaction yo be about how to pull back from the friend without offending them. Reddish I know that I am not truly loved by my dh and indent know why I let myself feel so hurt by his uncaring attitude towered me. He denies all this and claims he does love me but his behavior carries more weight than his words.

On phone, excuse those horrendous typos!

Did you give your DH the full story or did you hold anything back for fear of creating confrontation? If you're prepared to put it down to 'one mistake', you see, you may have not made it clear just what a horrendous experience this was. Obviously, your DH should be supporting you and cutting this so-called friend adrift. He should take you seriously rather than trivialise a traumatic event. If taking other people's sides against you is a normal occurrence I'd say that was pretty terminal

Thank you for your response cogitoergosometimes. I didn't drip feed him but I didn't tell dh at the time because I wad embarrassed and I suppose I felt in someway responsible. I didn't minimize when I ecentually told dh, he gas been the one saying because drink had been involved...making excuses...if he had been a stranger it would gave been different....the bottom line is his first concern wasn't for me. There wasn't even anger because his friend tried it on with his wife(me). As regards taking others sides. I don't know maybe I am u reasonable. The other couple were originally dh's friends, they go way back since uni. We saw quite a bit of them but now live in different countries and we visit or they would come here. Then for a number of years they were having relationship problems and male told everyone about them and being in their company became unbearable because they would fight openly and that created a lot of tension. Even before the problems began the male partner wasn't particularly likable and I put up with him for dh's sake. About a year and s half ago things came to a hard for the couple and they separated and they didn't contact anyone for about a year, they had gotten back together at this stage. I must admit I wasn't really that keen as I felt I had put up with their toxicity for a long time and there was this natural break etc but told dh that he was free to meet up with them but I didn't want to go back there again. Dh initially said he respected my decision and that I had valid reasons but I wasputting him in s awkward position and after numerous disputes he said he would gave to say to them that B(me) didn't want to meet up anymore as I hated the male friend. I am terrified of confrontation and we would gave to see these people at other occasions where we have mutual friends and I felt threatened by dh response. If he said that to this couple it would be
Me who would be in a terrible position the next time we met. In the end I gave in and met the couple when we were back home for a family occasion and we would have had reasonable excuses not to see them because we were busy. I made the effort, got ni thanks and the couple haven't changed they still have probs and still involve dh. Last night my dh said to me now that we have moved on from that I want to fight about something else and had a trump card up my sleeve ? He expects v high standards from me but will accept all his friends with warts and all. I think I have to accept my dh does not love me which I have been doubting all along but now now I feel likehe doesn't even like me. He believes in staying together for the childrens sakes and I truly believe that is why we are still together. Is that a reasonable conclusion?

I don't know if the conclusion is reasonable or not but, if you feel unloved and unliked, that's a perfectly valid reason for ending the relationship. I think all the stuff about the other couple's relationship is irrelevant really.... not your problem. This man sexually assaulted and distressed you and your DH expected you to laugh it off and carry on socialising with him and his horrible wife. That's not the kind of man I would want to share my life with either.

Or he is just a coward who would not dare cross his friends in the name of what is right?

You should keep your trap shut about the friend's appalling behaviour because it might put your h in an awkward position? My word. What a catch you've got there. What if it were one of your daughters trapped by this friend - because predatory men like that aren't particularly bothered about who they pester.

It doesn't matter how your h feels about you - how do you feel about him? Base your decisions on that.

"He believes in staying together for the childrens sakes"

The children won't thank you for this decision. You do realise that?