I am a longtime lurker and this is my first post (namechanged) This is a very difficult issue for me to post personally (and I apologize for its length). But it is time, and I could use some help. Although much of this topic involves the subject of religion, the main focus, for me, is the relationship I have with my parents. So, I would like to request that this does not turn to a religious debate (i.e. there is a god vs. there is no god). I would like to think that my conflict is common to many of you, no matter what your respective religious backgrounds happen to be.
First of all, some context. My parents had me when they were in their early 20s (I am now 40). I kind of felt as though I grew up with them in many ways. We were an ex pat family in North America....so our family support base was quite small (UK originally). My folks always had a strong work ethic...but I also remember a lot of stress growing up. My dad was a pretty angry person. That being said, no physical abuse...but certainly gray shades of emotional abuse.
When I was 9, my father developed a relationship with a minister in town. He then became "born again" Christian. I remember it being a bit of an adjustment...my mom wasn't quite on board at the time but she soon started to believe as well. I remember trying to sort it out as a child and what it meant. Quite frankly, my Dad became a bit less angry because of his beliefs, so for me that was a good thing. I remember trying to "feel" the things my dad and mom said they were feeling. I wanted to be part of what they said they were experiencing. I lied about feeling things I didn't feel to please them. That being said, my dad's finding of religion made my home life a bit easier. Also it probably gave my parents a framework for their life and marriage which they hadn't have before.
Fast forward to now, I am married and have a daughter. As a grown woman, I have to say that "religiously" I am a fence sitter. I am in the "maybe there is, maybe there isn't" camp. If I had to label it, I guess I would say I'm more of a humanist....meaning that I like to pay attention to the world under my feet and the people in that world around me as having import. My dad's rhetoric is usually focused on the importance of the afterlife. So, therefore, this world "is a lie" and everyone walking around is "asleep" or "dead" (spiritually speaking). I have a good relationship with my parents but interactions are often religiously loaded and I'm finding things more and more difficult to negotiate. My dad, as part of his religion, feels it necessary to emphasize his beliefs and I try to remain respectful and as neutral as possible (the old smile and nod). But the fact is that here are aspects of my parent's religion, particularly the politics towards other people's religious beliefs, homosexuality and even women, that I simply do not agree with. I find it difficult because I always feel like I'm being persuaded to believe the same things they do and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I understand that in some capacity, they are emphasizing their religious concerns because they care about me and, quite frankly, they don't want me to go to hell. Which is what they believe. However, at the very worst, it makes me feel as though their love for me is conditional. Like they would love me and accept me more fully if I just agreed with them.
I don't really know precisely what it is that I am asking here. I suppose I am interested in hearing other peoples' perspectives and experiences so I can find some sort of way forward of my own. Thank you for your time.