My DM died & now I have prob with inlaws

[Dalliard]

I had a difficult relationship with my DM. She died on 1st Feb, I was there and it was hard.

i've always liked my DH's parents vey much but now I seem to hate them and feel angy towards them. I wasn't expecting to feel this. Has anyone else felt like this? (I'm not going to be on for a bit but will come back).

It sounds like an accepted part of the grieving process.

I agree, it's the "anger" part of the grief process. Your mum isn't here, you wish she was (whatever her flaws) and you are angry. They are the closest thing to parents, so that's why your anger is focused on them.

Grief isn't rational and grief isn't fair. But this will pass.

I have not experienced this but I have experienced feeling rage towards a person who died, while they were dying . Sometimes the emotions come out in weird ways.

I think you have to accept you feel like this - perhaps you are feeling stuff that it was "unacceptable" to feel towards her?

I am so sorry. I know that the grieving process can be much more complicated when someone we were not close to dies. Ironic really, but I think we grieve for the loss of the potential to have a better relationship.

If this is becoming troublesome, I would suggest seeing a bereavement counsellor

Thank you so much, this has been really to say and your kind responses have helped

Actually re-reading these thank you very much again.

I did feel rage towards her when she was dying, which was awful, I think she did to me too. And once she'd gone it's like all the possibilities come flooding back again.

Thanks for what you've writtern, it's helped.

After DM died in her 60's I hated all older people. I would look at an old lady in the street and think 'Why are you alive?' Rational it certainly isn't, but it passes. Be kind to yourself and accept that these feelings are part of the process for you, part of coming to terms with your relationship with your DM and losing her. It will get better.

Dalliard, I just wanted to share my experience and reassure you.

My DM died 6 years ago. For ages, I would see elderly ladies of about her age and think "why the hell are you alive, and my DM is dead?" Sounds awful really, but that's how it was.

The only surviving female relative of her generation on my side was my mum's cousin's wife, and I couldn't bear to see her for about 3 years (there had never been much contact before). Now I see her about 3 times a year with my daughter, and I was so sad recently when DD said "I love AuntieB, she's like a grandma". But at the same time, I am grateful for AuntieB's presence in her life.

After DM died I had to really force myself to think "at least DMil is alive for DD's sake" but in all honesty I did resent her being alive. That first Mother's Day we had without my DM almost creased me. Sadly DMil also died just 4 months later.

Even now, almost 7 years later I just can't bear to go out on Mother's Day, we always go out on the Saturday. It's just too sad for both of us to see grandma's having a special day with their grandchildren, when our own DM's and DD can't have that.

Bereavement and grief force you to endure all sorts of conflicting emotions, anger is one of them, and it's very common to feel this way. I loved my DM dearly but we also had "issues" and I was very angry about all kinds of stuff. What you are feeling is completely and perfectly natural. And it will get better in time.

If you feel really dragged down by it, do see a Bereavement Counsellor although I must say both GP's I have had since have surprised me by being very kind and understanding, so you might try that first. But give it time - there's no set time either, it takes as long as it takes!

One thing I found quite helpful, when I was really overwhelmed with thinking about DM, was the suggestion that I set aside a particular time of each day to think about her - but not beat myself up if I forgot, because it was a sign I was feeling better.

Wish you well x

You have my sympathy and best wishes.
If these feelings continue to trouble you perhaps you could mention something to your DH, maybe even show him this thread so he can have a discrete word with them and explain that you may be a bit off with them until this stage of grief has passed, and could they please excuse you.

I think i experienced this actually. I had liked my inlaws before and then after i started to get really annoyed with them. I hid it though. Unfortunately they then treated me, my husband and children very badly. You find out who you can rely on in difficult times and my in laws i definitely can not!

I now hate them but they've earned it!

Thank you, all of you.

I couldn't read this thread for a bit but what you've said has helped. I was feeling really grim about myself and this situation.