Feel trapped and scared.

[opalescent]

I am in the early stages of pregnancy with my first baby. I'm 29, and in a relationship that is deeply flawed due to dp's obsessions with my past. For the record my past is totally uneventful & not colourful in the least. But he is an extremely jealous & irrational person. Without going into the finer details, I am beginning to realise that I cannot 'fix' him, and therefore we can't be together. I am terrified at the prospect of having my baby alone. I feel that I wil have let everybody down. This pregnancy was initially a joy, but now it feels like a weight around my neck. The only thing stopping me from simply walking away. Which I think is what I would do now, if I weren't pregnant. I also feel guilty for feeling so negatively about such a blessing.

Well it's plain as day he is a classic abuser. What may make you realise tha it is easier to walk away now, is.... that statistically.... Abuse is most likely to escalate in pregnancy or shortly after giving birth into violence.

Have you discussed this problem with him? He has to accept that irrelevant to how exciting your prior life has been it has nothing to do with him but your future is tied to his along with your unborn child's. If he can't get over this maybe professional counselling could help. Or you could leave the bastard, but only you know how you could manage your pregnancy and rearing your baby on your own. Good luck.

I think you've answered your own question in your post. You'd be better off without your DP. Have you got family, friends etc around you. Often controlling relationships like this can cut off your close friends and family but I would hazard a guess that if this is the case then they will come back to help you if/when you need them and especially if you find that you are without your partner. Good luck. You will cope much better than you think.

He totally accepts his faults and is desperate to make things better. He has paid for private counselling, and is currently waiting for cbt on the nhs. He seems fine a lot of the time, albeit a bit moody, but seems to be on a cycle where it reaches crisis point every couple of weeks. Up till now I felt genuinely bad for him, because It appears to be truly beyond his control (intrusive thoughts etc), and I still think that is the case. But I'm so tired of dealing with it, and can't help feeling that life would be sweeter if I just left him to deal with his own issues. Of course that would have been easier before I got pregnant.

I think my dear you need to read up on the cycle of abuse. I also think that you know this is wrong. They are all ok some of the time. Constant abuse, I'm guessing that is what you are getting? Niggles, digs, nasty comments over your past. I s a huge red flag of a jealous, abusive, controlling individual. You say he is controlling and jealous.

That is why, you will shortly be asked by a mw, how you relationship is at home. These kinds of relationships you see, controlling, emotionally abusive, jealous ones have a statistically higher chance of developing into violence during pregnancy. Many reasons why, not being the centre of attention, jealous of the baby, the woman having outside support apart from him amongst some. Drive these blokes nuts. He has made the right noises, but not changed. Is that right?

The whole jealously and obsessive thing is a huge drain on your energy and your well-being. You're right again.. leave him to deal with his own issues. If he does do that successfully then you'll have the option of ramping up the relationship again at that point. Doesn't mean that he can't have a role in your child's life.

Have you seen this, opal?
outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

The reality is your partner sounds controlling and irrational. By staying in this relationship, when you have a child it will be all the more difficult to leave . You would probably find his behaviour would get worse, and exposing children to that behaviour will cause problems for them in the future. You would have let no one down - his behaviour is what has let everyone down, and you would be letting your child down potentially raising it in an environment which the father has no respect and behaves badly towards the mother.

I'm amazed at how naive my last post reads. I even use the word 'cycle'. I know this stuff, I work in an area where I see DA on a daily basis. It's over. It's just so much harder to see it when you're standing so close. If only I'd had a lightbulb moment sooner.

Don't give yourself too hard a time OP. The description of the cycle is so useful. You do feel almost euphoric in the period when you are setting out the new rules and conditions for the relationship - there's a real sense of optimism and as though you've made a major breakthrough in being understood/improving the relationship and taking control and it is tempting to keep going with it. They always seem up for it and will agree to almost anything to keep the relationship going...but don't keep it up for very long. Good luck with your plans for the future. Keep using MN and you'll get plenty of support - get in touch with some trusted family/friends in RL too.

" I am terrified at the prospect of having my baby alone. "

As a single parent from birth I just wanted to reassure you that it's not as daunting as you may think. I expect people around you are already aware of your partner's behavioural problems and will be happy to offer help and support. They are unlikely to think you've let them down. Looking after a baby solo is, IME at least, a very rewarding and positive experience. I read a lot of the 'my partner does nothing with the baby, am I right to be annoyed?' threads on MN and I had none of that. Me and my baby were a unit and because there was no-one in the background moaning about night-feeds or nappy-changing, although it was a challenge at times, it wasn't compounded by having to keep someone else happy. The last thing you need when you're looking after a child is a 'difficult' person in tow that you can't rely upon.

Thankyou for your lovely replies. It's especially reassuring to hear a positive account of single parenthood
It seems far more appealing to take that road, than to carry on trying (and failing) to make this relationship a happy one. And Lovingfreedom, what you said about the cycle brought tears to my eyes, the years and recriminations after each outburst are so seductive. He is at the drs as we speak, I have told him that we need to be apart for a while, that this isn't healthy for either of us. I am lucky to have a wonderful and supportive family, but I'm loathe to place the burden of all this on them. If im going to do this alone, I need to figure out a way to ACTUALLY do it alone.

I am terrified at the prospect of having my baby alone. I feel that I wil have let everybody down.

You will be doing the exact opposit of letting everybody down: you will be doing the best thing for yours and your child's wellbeing - the two most important people for you to care about.

It was while I was pg with ds1 that my ex became abusive - almost instantly. At 6 months he left me, then begged to come back. I let him. I really regret it. Our lives would have been so much better without him in it. I was 18, living with my grandparents, terrified. But if I could save ds and I the following 6 years of hell, I would do it like a shot. I was effectively a single parent while we lived together while he carried on with his life.

Sometimes you are better off on your own.

"I'm loathe to place the burden of all this on them"

When your baby arrives and he/she looks at you with a big gummy smile I guarantee that the last word on your mind will be 'burden'. When they need something, you'll walk over hot coals to help them. You may be 29 years old but, if you genuinely need help, chances are your family will feel exactly the same way.

I totally agree with Cogito. Your family and friends will likely come into their own when you need their help, especially if there's a chance to get involved with a lovely wee baby. I'm not underplaying the challenges of bringing up a baby. It will be hard as a single parent. But tell you what...it's f'ing hard too doing it with a big bloody bairn of a man vying for attention/giving you a hard time/criticising your every move etc. You might find that you meet a good bunch of other mothers though anti-natal classes that will be a good support for you too. You're not on your own and in my experience, you find that out once you've made the move. x