Relationship Advice On Seperation

[natlou46]

Hi All,

I am after some advice on my situation as I not really sure what to do. i have been married for ten years and me and my husband has four children and desote the odd argument things were good however in those ten years he never coped very well or did housework and he make excuse about why he could keep everything going or lie. When my daughter was six months old the last child I decided enough was enough I hated our run down rented house that the landlord refused to touch and I went back to university where i gained a 2:1 in Environmental Science. During this time my husband also decided to do a degree which I though was a good idea even though I was left to still do everything.
I finished uni and could not get a job in my home town of Dorset as there were none so I decided to stretch my search in order to get a job. In Feb 2011 I was offered my first job in Slough so I moved up to Surrey to live with my Mother in law while my husband and kids were left in Bournemouth. In that four months I learnt so much about myself and relised that all the things my husband had said were lies in regard to not haivning time to do anything. I also went back every weeknend to find the house destroyed and hubby barely coping even with a nanny in place.
We finally got a house in Surrey in July 2011 but to be honest are relastionship was begining to show the strain he left our old house in a awful state and left lots of debt too which he lied about. While being at work which I found a escape I met a collague who I started seeing and at first it was a fling. During this time my husband failed his course because he had no coped he came up to live in our new house and did nothing even though he was at home all day the hosue did not get touched, dog not walked and children stayed in everyday of summer holidays so I wirked full time and did everything too. I continue to see this man behind hubby back which I am ashamed to say as I know it was wrong but for the first time I relised how unhappy I was with hubby.
My hubby caught me three time and finally in March of this year I decided to end my relationship but I can not move out as hubby has no job and we lose the house. I also said he can have the jids as I have no wish for a legal fight as it would be horrid.

The advice I want is what do I do as hubby is not coping her barely able to get kids to school he lied on countless occaotions in regard to paying bills. I am still seeing the man I met and I very happy. Hubby is causing all sorts of trouble in regard to telling my eight year old that I seeing another man and how he hates him. The eight year old of course is very angry towards me and I have on a couple of occaotions had my man friend round for tea just as a friend but my eight year old knows there is more going on.

I sorry it so long but I not sure how to procceed do I leave the kids with hubby and do I introduce my new man to kids slowly as a friend. I no way going to be able to move out till he gets a job and I earn more money. It all such a stressful situation as hubby thinks he doing everything perfectly and I am the bad guy and I being made to live by his rules.

Thanks
Lou

As you are the main wage-earner, even if you do separate, there are rules around accommodation for the children and maintenance payments etc. It's obviously causing huge distress trying to live together under such strained circumstances and, whatever the rights and wrongs, that really can't continue. If you don't want a legal fight you need to work out how you can live apart, even without him being employed or you earning more money.... it's cruel otherwise. Selling the house may be the most practical option but you have to come up with a solution and quickly.

I have no advice as such but what a completely messed up situation. You should focus on making sure your kids go to school and keeping a roof over their heads rather than seeking advice on how to introduce your new man.

As cashandcarry said it is a very messed up situation, and I'm afraid the only people I have sympathy for are your children. Imagine how this must look to them: Mum is considering leaving them (with a man you describe as unable to cope) so she can be 'happy' with someone else.

It really doesn't matter to them if your soon to be exH is barely able to get them to school. By your own admission, you previously moved out for 4 months to live with your MIL, leaving them with the man you say is incompetent. As far as they are concerned he didn't leave them.

And having the new man around the marital home, with your kids present was just wrong. Perhaps it would have been o.k with a clean break, but not when everything ix up in the air and the children are not settled.

Frankly, I think if your DH finds it as difficult to cope as you say, you must make him leave the home so you can look after them. I don't know how your new man would react to this, but really a new relationship should be far down on your priority list. Trying to minimise the effect on your children's happiness, whilst they are living with all this tension should be uppermost in your mind.

Your ex as non-domesticated as he seems, does seem devoted to the children, and I'm sure he's got some good points.

Either way I cannot see a happy outcome. But I think you are focusing on the wrong aspects of the situation.

Ok,

For a bit of resolution to this a bit......

"Lou" moved out just before summer holidays and left the kids with Ex Hubby (me).

To be fair 90% of the points raised by Lou were bang on - I was crap at housework - but kids had 100% attendance at school, were dressed and ready to go on time every time, never late picked up. I did all the household "chores" in the house with no support at all. The house was a state, however it was a flooded moldy mess with holes in the celling, a rooms that had plants growing out of it and a landlord which did nothing. All I could do was make it safe for the kids. The bills etc were left for me to sort out as was told she could cope with "nothing but her job". - To be fair the school did not even know who ex was as never did a school run......

Also, yes I failed my degree however I was working as freelance person as well as studying 35hrs a week plus kids, as well as trying to sort £3k out so that we could get a deposit on a house - so was going to bed at 4am and getting up at 6am for the school run....this with no support kinda killed me and I fell apart which did make me depressed and low so when I came up yes I did kinda go "f**k it your turn to cope...." which was a bad thing I admit - however I was still the primary carer for the kids. However, she was having the affair before I came up. Also, I never mentioned the affair to DD, however she failed to mention that she brought BF a valantines day card in front of DD and when DD told me, she made her out to be a liar. Then when it did come out, all DD could say was "I told you I did not lie" - as was mentioned a messed up situation. This is how DD found out about her bloke.

Anyway - for the record kids are fine, they enjoying the summer holidays (going out most days), I am a working single dad with no help from "lou" at all (Financial or otherwise) and she has basically walked out on them to be with still married bf.... My focus has and always been the children who I am devoted to. I am sorry for "hijacking" the thread however if my kids read this in the future (being the internet and everything...) I would prefer to have both sides presented. I am currently trying to establish a good contact pattern with Ex so that the kids can see ex as much as possible.

C