In love with my (female) best friend

[CaoNiMa]

This situation has been going on for a while now, and I would really value some outside views on it.

I am a 30-year-old woman, and have been in a relationship with a man for the past four years. I moved to the country where we live now because I had met him when I was on holiday here, and fell for him. It was a rash decision to move here, but I have never regretted it.

Our relationship hasn't been a bed of roses. He has cheated on me several times with local girls, but I've stuck with it because we get on so well, and the strength of my initial love for him was enough to make me move across the world. I have developed a successful career here, while he hasn't progressed AT ALL since we met. He does piece-meal work here and there as a teacher, but I pay the rent because I work extremely hard. We don't have DCs.

Anyway, I have always been attracted to women, and in January I met an older woman who completely overwhelmed me. She is also an expat, and is a doyenne of the intellectual and artistic community here. She has taken me under her wing and we have become very close friends over the past five months. We see each other or speak every day. She is twenty years old than me and a widow, and I have totally fallen in love with her. She knows about my sexuality and my problems with DP, and has provided a shoulder for me to cry on many times.

I have come close to telling her how I feel several times, but the LAST thing I want to do is jeopardise my friendship with her. She is the best and most interesting person I have ever met, and I would hate not to be a part of her life and her of mine. If I could be with her, I would end things with DP immediately.

I know what I should do. I should end things with DP before anything else, but something stops me. My problems with him and my love for her are two separate things. She is probably the catalyst for my feelings about him, I know.

I am totally at a loss as to how to move ahead. I would really value your advice.

*twenty years oldER than me.

Cao, 100% leave your dp! I know it's easier said than done, but the fact that you say you would leave him if this woman said that she wanted to be with you, screams that this relationship just isn't right for you.

Do you know if your friend is gay or bi? Do you ever get the impression that she shares your feelings?

Can you stay in the country if you leave him?

Ditch your knob of a "d"p and get your head straight about that.

Then, when you're over him completely, figure out if you need to tell your friend about your feelings.

Timeforawhine - she has only ever been with men, but has said that if she were ever to have something with a woman, it would be with a friend. So obviously that raises my hopes!

Seabright - I can and will stay in the country if I leave him. We were both expats, and are here on separate visas. There is no way I would leave.

Purple - you are right.

Thank you all!

I agree that you should end things with your partner as, everything else aside, you clearly aren't happy in that relationship.

Regarding the woman you have feelings for, it can go one of two ways can't it?. Either she shares your feelings and is doing the right thing by being a shoulder to cry and and NOT letting her feelings known until you have ended the relationship. Taking a back seat. OR she only has feelings of friendship for you and is being a good friend.

Eitherway, I would end the relationship and absolutely NOT mention your feelings towards your friend. I would continue the friendship and watch for any signals. Let it come from her if it's to come at all.

Good luck

:) its simple from the outside - one relationship at a time. Have enough respect for yourself and others to concentrate on one relationship at a time (if you're a monogamy type of person, at least!)

Just to add, I think you know deep down if she shares your feelings. I don't mean that to sound patronising, it's just that sometimes we don't trust our instincts enough. I'm not saying that you should just throw caution to the wind and blurt out how you feel, but do trust your instincts as to whether the feeling in mutual. I hope it is. How do you feel about the age difference? Do you think it's something which could potentially bother her?

if you would definitely leave your OH if she was available to you, then you should leave anyway. I think it's clear from the post that your relationship is waning and WILL end, it's just a matter of when, the longer you leave it the less amicable it'll be, do it nice and cleanly, it sounds like you and your OH have more of a friendship than anything else and that is what held it together - if you make a nice clean break now you might be able to salvage some of that element of it!

I totally agree with timeforawhine - what does your gut tell you? Usually if you have feelings for someone it is fed a bit by them which they only do if they are interested. If someone is not interested in you, you usually lose interest in them.
If you feel there is something then you should find a way to convey that. if she is not interested you will soon know and as long as you then drop it why would she not continue to be your friend - she is 50 I am sure she will handle it and be flattered even if she does not like you in that way.
dump boyfriend - he is dumped by sound of it anyway.
good luck

It's really difficult to explain how it is with the older woman. She is very grandiose and confident, but in dark moments has confessed how lonely she is. The way she looks at me, I'm not sure if it's friendly affection or something more.

In my heart of hearts, I think she is looking for a man, her own age, with a similarly wealthy and intellectual lifestyle. I am an author, and very involved in the artistic and intellectual community (that sounds so wanky - sorry!) but I'm not rich or lavish. I just don't know if I could ever give her what she needs, which makes me not even want to put the friendship at risk by suggesting it.

I think she sees me as the daughter she never had. I'm adopted, so I guess part of me sees her as the mother I would have liked. There are clearly more issues at play here than I've even realised...

Thank you all for your advice.

You could join us at The Turning Tavern thread in relationships. This has quite a few woman on it in a similar situation to yours OP

Thanks, Eats - I'll check it out now!

Hmmm, I think maybe you've answered your own question actually. It does sound more like she sees you in almost a maternal way and you've said she's like a sort of mother figure to you. Do you think you could have got your feelings a little muddled here?

Maybe because you've confided so much in this woman, you've started to think of the relationship as more than it actually is. Ie, a really good and loyal friendship.

I could be completely wrong here, you could be soulmates. Personally, I believe a soulmate can be a friend and not a lover(god, I hate that expression!) A friend of mine i've had since I was 16, i've always considered my soulmate and it's not in a romantic way in the slightest. We just click and are always on the same wave length. She gets me more than my dp in some ways.

I'm also bisexual, so at one point I was wondering what these feelings were, but then I figured them out and i've never looked at her in that way again.