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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sad and dont know what to do?

22 replies

mankycat · 13/05/2012 21:08

I have DD who is a few weeks old and DS who is 4. I try really hard to be a good parent but my partner is just such a pig. He calls me a c*, prick I am evil and that I dont want DS. He punches doors screams blue murder wishes me dead. My DS is so sweet and kind natured but this weekend ive noticed he has started to go downhill with his behaviour. The rows esculate from the tinest thing from the water pressure in the shower to something I was disscussing on a bank statement.

Everything is always my fault and I make him behave like this. I know none of this is true. I know I am in a abusive relationship and I am so ashamed as I work with people who have the same problems in my job. he was sceaming at me yesterday over something on the bank statement as I pointed out he over paid something and could he get it sorted as it had resulted in going over agreed overdraft and he just started going beserk. I felt slightly traumatised for the rest of the day and very teary. He took DS to the shops as I didn't want to go and brought me 2 gifts and then expected thanks and an apology from me. I didnt ask for these gifts I would prefer someone who just didn't behave like that. He then took us out for a meal which I didn't want to go as I was upset and felt a mess and said in the car park to say thank you. He was saying I never appriciate anything.

He buys me stuff when he feels guilty but then smashes it up at a later date or takes it away and says I dont appriciate anything. So when he does give me anything it means nothing to me.

We are not married and I will never marry him he knows this. My family are aware of the situation but feel powerless my mother is devastated that this goes on infront of the children. it breaks my heart when he screams and swears and calls me names he cant even say a normal sentence without aggressive swearing.

I really need help as tomorrow he will be nice and make me think he is ok for now and in a few weeks it will be the same. He tells me he has nothing yet he does what he wants re hobbies and seeing friends which I am relived as we are alll alot calmer at home when he isnt here. There is alot more things but he will come in soon and check what I am doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

mankycat · 13/05/2012 21:10

I live in a flat and my neighbours hear all of this and often ask if I am ok I am so embarressed he says he doesn't care let them call the police and send social services round here "bring it on" he says.

OP posts:

Figgygal · 13/05/2012 21:11

Go to your mothers and don't look back!!

If not for you then for your Dcs.

Seriously

Olympia2012 · 13/05/2012 21:11

Do you jointly own/rent your home?
Do you want to split up?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/05/2012 21:12

How would you describe his behaviour, cat?

I think you'll find a lot of it defined here

If you don't know what to do, I would suggest you call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and tell them what you've written here.

AceOfBase · 13/05/2012 21:14

Please get out of there. This is not healthy for anyone involved. I know its a hard thing to do you are worth so much more than this. Call women's aid or something just please do not stay with him. For yours and your children's sake.

squeakytoy · 13/05/2012 21:15

Next time your neighbours ask if you are ok, tell them you are not. Tell them to call the police, and let the police come and remove him from your flat. Then do everything you can to keep him out.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/05/2012 21:15

Mankycat, you say that you work with people in abusive relationships. Do you think that they should be ashamed because their partner is abusive?

Anniegetyourgun · 13/05/2012 21:19

Being nice for just as long as it takes for you to forgive and forget the last episode of nastiness is quite chilling, actually, if you think about it. It means he isn't someone who can't control his temper; he is actually choosing when to be horrible to you and calculating how long he can get away with it. He's doing this on purpose. That's not nice at all, is it?

Is there any reason at all why you would want to stay with this abusive individual?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/05/2012 21:20

Oh crap, I read too quickly: you know you're in an abusive relationship.

The shame is all his, sweetheart. His actions. His responsibility.

What would you recommend to one of your clients in your situation?

Original poster

mankycat · 13/05/2012 21:22

I want him to leave but I am scared cries and says he is sorry or he smashes stuff up. Its my name on the tennancy. He can be ok for months and months he never seems happy with his lot all ways wants more and its my fault I hold him back.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 21:23

sweetheart you are in a terribly abusive relationship and you need RL help

ThatVikRinA22 · 13/05/2012 21:24

what do you want to do about it OP?

you say you know its an abusive relationship. he makes you unhappy and is teaching your children that its fine to stay and be treated like shit.

why do you stay with him? what is it that stops you leaving?

foolonthehill · 13/05/2012 21:24

Don't be embarrassed...it's not you, it's him. The fact that you work with people in abusive relationships suggests that you have a kind and empathic nature...not that you are immune from being lured in and duped like so many of us (yes me too).

His behaviour is his fault, not yours.

How can we help you get the strength to restart your life and protect yourself and your DC from this man?

Original poster

mankycat · 13/05/2012 21:26

I know what to do when its at work and what is available but I am in this situation with a very young baby and a son. He is sitting in the other room crying saying I dont understand saying whats the point I pray he will leave me for someone else.

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 13/05/2012 21:27

Don't wait for him to leave.

What can you do?

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 21:28

Your name is on the tenancy

Speak to your landlord. With his knowledge and permission, change the locks. Have someone stay with you for a couple of weeks

When he comes knocking, call the police

You know this

Why doesn't it apply to you ?

foolonthehill · 13/05/2012 21:30

You deserve to have a life, you can take control, you can do this.
Take courage.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/05/2012 21:32

Mankycat, you want him to leave.

What are the obstacles to getting him to leave?

ThatVikRinA22 · 13/05/2012 21:38

tell him you want to split - ffs dont sit and wish he would leave - he wont - why on earth would he leave his punch bag/door mat - where will he find another?

do yourself a favour and phone womans aid.
hers

they can help support you and formulate a plan.

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 22:17

Go to someone at work and ask them to help you. Tell them your story and tell them you can't bear it any more and you need help.

God knows how you must feel; I feel like crying just reading your posts. You poor thing. Your poor children.

You know you have to end it, don't you?

ImperialBlether · 13/05/2012 22:18

As for the tenancy, I'd forget it. I'd want somewhere that he hadn't lived - a fresh start. Can you stay with your family until you're ready to get somewhere new?

Fulhamup · 13/05/2012 22:25

This is extreme emotional abuse. Call Women's Aid, find out local solicitors who will give you half a hour's free legal advice. If you name's on the tenancy agreement, consider getting an occupation order. (Ask WA about this.) Get him out of the house and away from your and your children. He is causing untold harm.

After reading this, I want to get in my car, come and pick you and the DC up and put you up at our place.

Please don't allow yourself to be treated in this way anymore.

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