When your ex just wants to make trouble...

[whenwillitend]

I'm posting for a friend who can't see the wood for the trees.

Herex was horrible and bad tempered every day for their 20 year marriage, wouldn't let her go out, belittled her in front of the kids, hit the kids too much, had affairs, used porn extensively, brought home stolen good, was never available to look after the kids or clean but criticised every aspect of her life and parenting.

Since the split, she briefly became the happy friendly person she was before, but gradually the ex has bullied her back to the scared miserable person she was before. He has called and has threatened to call ss on her, told one of the kids to misbehave, causing endless problems for her and even threatened her for going out for the first time in nearly a year, a threat he followed through with. He is still hitting the kids, although its always an accident, threatening to take the kids off her, shouting and screaming in front of the kids, and forcing his way into her home which he's banned from.

The atmosphere is very bad, the kids are affected, my friend works all the time and never gets a day off and is exhausted. Recently she had an illness needing medical attention urgently,but because the ex wouldn't take the kids for even two hours and as always the kids came first, she never got any medical help. Sadly she needs this idiot for occasional childcare and one of the kids still likes him and wants to see him.

Suggestions?

How old are the dc?

It sounds like she needs legal advice and to stop contact and let him take her to court for access - honestly she sounds like she needs a harrassment order against him.

Would she speak to womans aid?

Is there really no-one else who would have the dc occasionally to help out, or a local childcarer that could do ad hoc?

Your friend needs to get some big guns on her side. The whole gamut: Women's Aid; Police; lawyers; The lot.

Totally agree with the above. "Ton of bricks" approach.

Women's Aid, Police, Stop contact completely, solicitors. And if he has a key or anything awful like that, change the locks.

She needs to find alternative childcare. She absolutely cannot leave her children with someone who hits them. How unfair is that to them?

Thanks for the advice. From what she's said, he ONLY sees them in public and outside, although he does not know this, in an attempt to stop his behaviour. However, he has taken to tapping them in public now, which is why she asked for my help and why I wrote this post.

Honestly she needs to stop contact, she needs to inform social services on him and the police.

How old are they and "tapping" what does she mean by that?

how old is the child that wants to see him?

Shoot the bastard would be my advice but as that is not allowed, she needs to get legal advice, stop contact, get a restraining order and hope the bastard dies

Principles when having left an abusive partner -

Cease ALL forms of contact. Emails, facebook, answering the door to him etc.

Formalise child contact thro court and stick to it. Do NOT expect help when ill. Get friends to cover that.

Men can use children as a way to retain control over a woman. It must not be allowed.

Most of all, support for her - that it is OK to not let him in, that it is OK to ring the cops when he shouts, that it is OK to talk to the teachers about the kids and to maybe get them a social worker or a helper or therapist or whatever, that he won't get her in the middle of the night.

Thanks for the advice I will pass all of this on, hopefully it will encourage her to kick him out of her life once and for all.

i was in this situation with my xh....still am to a certain extent, he lives 70 miles away and will just turn up to see my dd,(dd has sn)last time i answered door i said , i'll ask dd if she wants to see you, please wait there,(on street) i closed the door, (i was stupid and didn't put the chain on)....he just walked into my house and sat down,
how old are the dc? if they are old enough they can request to school etc not to pass info on to the dad, dd had to do this in the end, after he cancelled her gcse exams, cancelled college place, reported me to ss, we also changed landline number, he even had undertakers contacting me and dd,
the only way to deal with mr R Sole is to ignore, him and be one step ahead if possible, make sure everyone knows what he's been doing.

she does not need him for childcare - she can/has to use babysitting services, friends etc. even if it means paying more than she would like.

that is an excuse. she needs to cut him out of her and Dc life and only allow supervised contact etc.

also if needs be at any point she takes kids to hspital wth her and lets Ss sort out emergencyshort term foster care.

doors and chains are good barriers - make a rule eg he does not come in th house and stick to it. it does take a mind set - she can get that mind set by speaking to womenas aid, police dv unit etcetc