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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex Husband!!

23 replies

plebble · 13/05/2012 10:14

AIBU to be to the point of almost despair that my ex husband thinks it appropriate to constantly bad mouth me to our son. This in turn confuses our son, and he feels torn between what is truth and lies? This has been ongoing now for 16 years. I've had to move around the country, go into hiding, leave jobs and university. Every time he finds out where we are. Then, he'll torment our son both verbally and emotionally. Our son takes his side, and I hear his confusion, and frustration. Our son feels like a puppet having to perform to make his father proud. I feel that I don't want to keep hiding and running anymore, but, I see the pain in my son's eyes when all he wants is his father to love him, and not judge him. Personally, I just want my ex to leave me alone and stop using our son to get to me. I'm so tired of this abuse. There was a reason I left ex husband in the first place. If he was so loving and kind and caring I would have stayed married. I'm happy being divorced, but oh so very, very tired of the constant abuse and using our son to get to me is further abuse. Why can't he just leave us alone? If he really cared for our son he would realise he is studying hard for his exams and doesn't need any stress, just support.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 10:53

You need to stop trying to run away and have it out. The running and hiding hasn't helpedand has probably made your son even more unsettled and confused.

How old is your son now? Why is he taking his fathers side? and what is being said that is so bad?

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 11:20

get this moved into relationships

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 11:24

How do I do that please?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 11:30

I think that you message MN and ask them tomove it.

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 11:31

I think you report it, and you get a little text box-where you ask MNHQ to move it to Relationships

I realise my post sounded a bit arsey- I didnt mean to tell you off for posting in wrong section.. Just that you usually get more constructive/insightful/sensitive advice in relationships rather than AIBU

Kayano · 13/05/2012 11:33

What's he bad mouthing to your son about? The moving?

MNHQ

CatherineHMumsnet · 13/05/2012 11:42

Hi - we'll move this to Relationships now.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 11:48

Anything and everything I do. From work, to relationships, to friends, to where I live, family etc.....
I think he is trustworthy again and let my guard down, then his abuse just worsens. Apparently everything that has gone wrong in his life is my fault. He blames me for everything negative in his life, nothing positive. He tells our son that the reason he's not working a decent job is that I lied to the police about DV etc..... (he actually said much much worse). I've moved to protect myself and our son from abuse. Every time I listen to ex husband and believe he is sorry he just gets worse and worse. He is a very, very angry man. His pride was hurt when I divorced him and I brought shame on him. (God is wicked and evil and will punish women like me. - His words)....

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 11:58

Why did you ever have to let your guard down? It should only have ben about contact between himand his son.

If that became damaging then you should have acted.

If your son is now 16, there is nothing that you can do to stop what your ex says to him. As tough as it is, your son will have to make his own mind up.

He will eventually see your ex for what he is.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 12:13

Ex husband sees our son about 2-3 times a year. Rings sporadically mostly to check up on what I am doing etc.... Tells our son that he doesn't have to provide financially as I am a graduate and earn enough to provide. When I was at uni, CSA lost my file for two years. CSA then wrote to me saying they owe me £10,000 but as the file was lost and ex is not working I am not entitled to the money. Imagine if I owed them money???
Him having contact with our son I had to stop as he was violent.
Our son is totally and utterly confused. He says I have brought him up and he feels has no connection with his father. But, he says that he feels like he's failed him if he doesn't achieve top marks in his studies. He won't challenge his father as he said he will then stop all contact.
I see the pain in my sons eyes, and the hurt that he feels, and also the rejection. I also see how hard he is studying so he can tell his father to be proud of him. His father should be proud of him regardless of his academic achievements.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:17

OP although you are divorced, it very much sounds like you are still 'attached' to him in someway

have you read Lundy Bancrofts book 'Why Does He Do That?'?

Also come over to the Support for Emotionl Abuse 8 thread

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:19

keep a record of everything he says

I think if he is damaging your son (sounds like he is emotionally abusing him) you could legal stop all contact?

izzyizin · 13/05/2012 12:21

It's entirely up to your son whether he wants to have any contact with his father and it sounds to me as if your son would benefit from having a break for a year or so.

It's down to you to cease all contact with this odious man - block or ignore his calls and don't enter into any communication with him.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 12:21

Attached to him?? Never thought about that? Ewwww yuck!!!

Yes I have Lundy Bancrofts book, as suggested by a friend. Very insightful, and upset me a great deal reading it, but also empowered me.

I'll check out emotional abuse thread, thank you.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 12:24

he has minimal contact with your son and you have been seperated for 16 years;

he has a disproportionatly large influence over you and your son

that is why I say you still sound 'attached'

(i think im less attached and my stbxh left yesterday!!)

Birdsgottafly · 13/05/2012 12:41

OP is culture or religion influencing your sons feelings in any way?

That is a harder battle to fight and it is a matter of your son maturing and making his own mind up.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 13:14

Religion and culture were definitely influencing sons feelings. Interestingly though he is now saying he doesn't have any connection to any religion! Was so glad when he said that as I'd said I'd support him in any religion he was interested in.
Yes, it is a hard battle to fight, and boy oh boy am I tired of fighting!! An easy life where I can just go to work, and support our son would be ideal.
I'm also very mindful of the psychological stress this is causing our son, and try and remain neutral and not take sides.
With this in mind though, I just wish ex would leave us both alone. If he cared about our son he wouldn't torment him with his words and lies!!
I'm realising that ex husband will never change, and although this is embarrassing he scares me so much......

OP posts:

arthriticfingers · 13/05/2012 13:20

As bejeezus says, come and join us here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8. Many wise women (much wiser than me) have been there and can give you advice

TheHappyHissy · 13/05/2012 13:20

I think you have to bring your DS up to speed about how some men are abusive and how it's ruined so many things for you over the years.

I think it's time to get legal advice and get an order for him to keep away from you.

This man is a blight on your lives.

I think both you and your son would benefit from counselling. Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

i say this as you are BOTH still being controlled and abused by him. I think NON-CONTACT is the way to go. You have ample proof of the devestation he has wrought on you both.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 13:31

WOW!
Thank you everyone. Non-contact is definitely the way to go, and yes he has devastated us both!! My son and I have been to counselling, but I'll check out the Freedom programme too.
I'm also going to look into getting another order. First prohibitive steps with the power of arrest attached ended up with him being sent to prison. He never let me forget that either!! Going to see about getting some serious legal advice.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 13/05/2012 13:35

you can apply for a non-molestation order at court yourself costs £70 and is effective immediately

download form FL401

TheHappyHissy · 13/05/2012 14:13

GET this creep out of your lives. FOR GOOD.

See if you can get back to some more counselling for this NC process.

There is an online Freedom Programme - I think there is a thread in Relationships atm.

I'd recommend the RL one though, you need the personal support of a group IMHO. The programme is FREE, you can get info through the Women's Aid helpline - give them a ring and see what other advice they can offer you.

All the contact telephone numbers/links are on links at the top of all threads in Relationships. have a look at the top of this one.

Original poster

plebble · 13/05/2012 18:04

thank you :)

OP posts:

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