Why do people wait until their children get to 16 before ending their marriages?

[BrightnessFalls]

genuine question not an OW thread.

Is it the kindest thing to do?

I was out with my BIL the other night and he told me that in two years he didnt see himself with his wife. I asked why two years and he said thats when their DS finishes his private education. I thought fair enough but, is this a common way to do things?

I was talking to a friend tonight and she said, on reflection, she wishes her parents and ended their relationship at the time her dad wanted to instead of leaving it another four years when she was doing her exams and, by then, their was another woman. What do you think?

I wish my parents marriage had ended before I was even born

but there ya go

Because it's much cheaper for the man. He doesn't have to pay as much to his wife than if she's got younger children.

I get that. I wish mine had ended the first time he got drunk and landed her one but it went on for twenty years after. Ma couldnt let him go.

It's this whole sticking together for the kids, providing a "stable" home gubbins isnt it? My parents divorced after both of us had just left home, they should have split years earlier, but mum was worried what the neighbours would say and the fact both her kids would choose to live with our dad (adopted)

For her also it would be a loss of control over us, who knows what horrors dad would have let us get up to if we lived with him or had EOW and holidays with him. It would have been EPIC!

I don't think it's always just that. my brother doesn't want to leave because he wants to be a full time dad to his daughter.

I'm sure that's true in some cases, gingerpig, I was posting from the point of view of a friend. Her dh left her because the financial tipping point had been reached. He'd cynically waited to leave so that she would get less.

My grandparents waited until their 3 children had left home before they split as they thought it would be less traumatic for the children. I think in their case it may have been the right decision (it was a very amicable split and both went on to be happy with other partners), but divorce was much less common in those days so maybe that makes a difference to the effect on the children. There was no abuse or anything like that going on.

DP has a friend he expects to split when their eldest finishes school. They don't seem to be a couple in their own right, just people who work together in the job of raising DCs.

Tbh I think DP feels the same about us. He stays in this house because it's where our DC are not because it's where I am iykwim.

My friends parents waited til their kids were 18, thinking it was the best thing to do.

When my friend found out that they had stayed together even though v unhappy for the sake of her and her brother not being upset, she felt really guilty and it bothered her for a long time that she was in some way responsible for them being unhappy.

DH's best friends split last year in accordance with their plan (of several years) to wait until their youngest child went to university. The one who instigated this (the breadwinner) and gave all the gubbins about how they should finish their job of raising the children, but turned out to have had someone else all along (also married and waiting for the kids to fly the nest) and is now setting up home with them. The other one (the SAHP) has obviously found out about this and is furious at having been hoodwinked into staying in a loveless marriage for years longer than necessary, rather than being free potentially to find someone else too. Very sad, and I think shows that it's rarely a good plan to stay together for the sake of the children.

Assuming things at home are civil, that is a very decent way to behave. As a child of unhappily married parents (whose father was out of the house a lot), I would be very grateful for my parents to stay together until I left home.

I can understand the man wanting to be part of their child's life until they fly the coop.

I would hate for my child to be edged out whilst his/her parents hook up with another and have step siblings of the new relationship. For that alone, I would move heaven and earth to avoid breaking up my marriage until the children are grown and out of the house.