I want to write so much to you ... it's probably best that you've gone to bed now and I'm a bit squiffy so will be retiring after posting!
Firstly I am very, very sorry for your husband's physical pain and your emotional dislocation. You sound very loving and very lonely. I remember the distance between me and my husband in bed - it was about a foot, but felt like light years. There's no loneliness as bad as that. I feel for you.
To my mind, the most urgent issue is your self harm. Poor you, fuzzpig, I wish you wouldn't injure yourself. Please don't :(
You're worth so much more - everyone is. You're valuable and precious. I wish for you to love your self and to care about you; you're worth it, not due to any special qualities but just because you exist.
Revisit Marianne Williamson's poem, which has reminded millions of people who and what they are:-
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
Sometimes, couples are drawn together by their shared 'darkness'. I know I was. When it feels like no-one understands you properly; all the world is a scene from an advert except you (!); it's fantastic to gel with another human being who knows what it feels like. It really is, I'm not knocking it.
But, some of the time, the other person might be looking only for a person who can mirror their pain. Somebody to confirm that life has been harder on them than they deserved; to support their feeling that no-one suffers like they do.
It is true that no-one deserves to suffer so hard! It's untrue that no-one else does. People in other parts of the world, and even some in ours, suffer unimaginable agony and still hold fast to the values that make them human.
It looks very possible that your man has developed severe depression due to his pain. This is reasonable. What's not reasonable is making you miserable because of it. He might be so depressed that he can't see reason, therefore the most crucial thing for him right now is to talk to his doctor about depression as well as pain management.
YOU are taking too much blame for his suffering. You're doing all of the right things. He has his personal responsibility to "shine". You should not, and must not, "shrink". You do him no service by shrinking and, in shrinking, belittle and hurt your self.
Shine. Encourage him to shine and to seek help in managing his distress, but don't shrink yourself because that helps no-one.
All the best! :)