Unexciting update from me

[LovesPeace]

If you remember my thread 'He's lying, isn't he', then you'll know that I was trying to make the decision to end my relationship.
Well, it's only been about three weeks since then, but I told him I was leaving him that same day, and have been a little surprised by how I felt.
I thought I would be lonely, tearful and questioning myself, but the reality is that I feel like a weight has been lifted from me, and have felt happier than I have for years. This has surprised me a lot, and I am worried that perhaps I am in denial?
We are still in the same house, but in separate rooms, quite amicably while we look for other individual properties. He has been quite miserable and at times does not seem to want to split up, but I have never felt I made the wrong decision so have gently reminded him when he oversteps the mark.
He has done a few things which made me laugh at him - talking about moving to my home country (why?), complaining that there was no clean towel ready for his shower (welcome to your new life :) ) and expecting that I would pay the deposit for his new rented flat (I always used to pay the joint deposit out of my savings). I am realigning his expections.
So, anyway I just wanted to say thank you to those who listened to my earlier thread - and maybe to ask if it is right that I should be so much happier already?

I guess your subconscious knew all along things weren't right?

Sounds like you're free

It's absolutely right, absolutely wonderful, and only to be expected, that you should feel so much happier so quickly now that the weight of carrying him has been taken off your shoulders - ENJOY

complaining that there was no clean towel ready for his shower

Sounds like a human rights violation to me. I've left a message for Amnesty International and they'll send a squad in tomorrow

Well done on setting your feet on the right path. I guess you may wobble a bit when you're in your own place but onwards and upwards!

It's a fabulous start OP, well done. Just STAY detached and observe his twatishness until you can get shot.

I have no great surprise that once you make the decision you feel much lighter already

who says you have to castigate yourself ?

who says you have to feel great guilt and wear a hairshirt ?

he obviously pushed you way past your limit to get to this point

I actually believe that if I had been pushed that far, that once I switched off, I wouldn't switch back on (and my experience bears that out)

so do what you wanna do... it's your own life, and don't start looking for reasons to renege on your decision because socety expects a woman to always work on the relationship

I expect you worked very hard indeed and now you are done

congratulations x

What do you mean, she worked hard at the relationship? She didn't even give him a clean towel fgs!

bunch of harpies mutter mutter

annie

I have still been doing his laundry (mainly so he doesn't fuck the washing machine/my clothes up beyond recognition).
And I do admit to a few crimes in addition to the lack of towel human rights violation (which he actually knocked on my door and came into my room to tell me). For example 'letting him sleep in so he was late for work'.
Feels good so far - am looking forward to my own place and peace. :D

annie, I really love your work, I don't know if I have ever said that to you

Strictly speaking Annie, the comment 'welcome to your new life' may be taken as circumstantial evidence that previously clean towels were made available and it is only since the relationship is over that Clean Towel Privileges have been withdrawn

eww, loves

carry on withdrawing your labour and your goodwill

sounds like your decision was entirely the right one

Oh now hang on, LovesPeace. You are just drip feeding here. First it was no clean towels (and I really can't believe he came in to complain about that) but now you've not been acting a human alarm clock? Where do you get off, lady? Amnesty will now have to revise their troop estimates in this matter.

Where's Michael Mansfield and Imran Khan when you need 'em?

it's a hangin' offence

no towels and then no wakey-wakey ?

methinks he got the best fucking wake-up call of his life when you called time on him

:)

I am afraid I have lapsed from 'amicability' occasionally, and have painted a vivid word-picture of my impression of him, and my feelings towards his suggestion that he 'very much wants to be my friend as he doesn't want to lose me'.
This word picture involved phrases such as 'wipe off my shoe' and 'no respect', and 'loser', and 'need to have friends I can trust'.

He alternates between being miserable, gaming online, and making my tea. :)

that sounds like teenage dc

Further update - I am trying to document this so I don't ever develop rose-tinted glasses about him.
I managed to access his computer yesterday, and what I found shocked me, but certainly confirmed I have made the right decision.
He's been having very manipulative 'affairs' with girls in their early 20s who he has persuaded to engage in cybersex/phone sex with him (although they are both clearly uncomfortable with the situation). One of them is abroad, in a foreign culture which is very conservative, and he is trying to persuade her to leave her studies at university, and leave her family/friends (she couldn't go back) to come to the UK to pursue their 'love affair'. I'm hoping to hell she doesn't, poor girl, esp as he is nearly 20yrs her senior.
Swinging - he'd registered with swinging websites as a 'newly single man' way back before I dumped him, and has indicated he is interested in quite a range of activities (!) including dogging.

Prostitutes - I've found he's used endless prostitutes in the same time period, and videod it/photographed them.
All at the same time as sending Skype messages to the two girls, saying how he loves them, full of 'NAME: cuddles you and strokes your hair'. He's been sending them expensive gifts, whilst not paying me the money he owes me. :(
I would like never to see him again, but for my curiosity - do you think he's having some sort of mental breakdown/mid-life crisis?

Wow, you so need to get him out of the house. LovesPeace, I'm sorry you found all this stuff, as really you could have lived without knowing just how bad he is, but on the other hand, your rose-tinted glasses must be shattered.

I would think it's very unlikely he's having a mid-life crisis, although the two 'affairs' might indicate that, the prosititute use really suggests someone with a long-term problem with women, I find that absolutely abhorrent. He clearly sees women as toys, to be played with, and not as real human beings with feelings (so asking them to leave university). When he's out of the house, I would be tempted to mail those girls telling them exactly what you found on his computer. They may not listen, but really, they need a heads up that they've found a man who is into prostitution which to me is really worrying.

I may be controversial here but i dont believe in many cases there is such a thing as 'mid life crisis' its just a term banded about to excuse arsehole behaviour

yes of course there are exceptions but mostly when meeting these men in crisis - my ex included they are just being a bastard to their wives and family and hope to get away with it or at least have it excused for them when they go on their merry way

he is a twat - end of!

As I read all the Skype and phone chats to the two girls, I could see how he was manipulating them and it did feel very abusive/misogynistic.

The UK girl, despite a history of sexual abuse, seems to realise it's a bad idea to go futher, so he's pressuring the foreign girl...who is asking him not to.

I suspect that his anger with women may be due to feeling rejected by me - for the first 10 yrs of our relationship, he doted on me, to the point of clinginess, but he was also lazy and incompetent and I gradually lost respect, and love for him, and in hindsight I think he knew it.

I should have left him then, but am one of those irritating people who feel they ought to 'see things through' and he didn't want to split. But then, he didn't want to change either.

Hell, what have I created? :(

Cant you kick him out?

Fiventhree - I asked him to leave yesterday but he refuses to go to his mother's, and screamed 'I'm paying the f rent so I'll do what I f well want' in a very aggressive way.

It's the anniversary of my father's death this week, and he did agree to staying away on the actual day, which is nice.

Hmm. Do you have kids, I canr remember? If you do, then you are in a better position.

If not, I suggest that you get yourself anywhere else asap.

You know, I took some shit re h and OW on the net, as you may know. But this would be way too much for me.

You do have some power, too. In that you are not obliged to keep his secrets.

I don't have children, fiventhree, and am lucky in that I've always earned an equal amount to him, so have kept finances independent.
I'm not exactly 'taking' any shit, given that I sussed his change in behaviour, and dumped him as soon as I found anything at all...but equally I don't want any more trouble than I can avoid whilst I'm still in the same house.
It's a horrible situation, when someone you thought you knew is behaving completely out of character...I don't really understand it.