Would you think this was deliberate?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Have younger sister. Has always been quite competitive with me, not least because my parents seemed to subconsciously (?) encourage it...I have just got out of an abusive marriage (the Owl man) and she has just got out of an abusive relationship, only to go straight into another one... She seems to find it impossible to not be in a relationship, any relationship. Many years ago, when I had PND she lent me a fiction book. Phillipa Gregory, The Little House, for anyone who knows it, about someone with PND and a very intefering, controlling mil. My situation exactly. Suffice to say my reading this book did not help me... There have been issues with dv and stalking with STBXH. The last two fiction books she has lent me are about woment who have or are being stalked by deranged men/partners. Can she just be extraordinarily insensitive or is this deliberate? Any thoughts?

Insensitive?

Hi Parsley! :)
Sounds too coincidental to be non-deliberate, if you get my drift - but I doubt she's doing it to cause you pain (unless she's like that). She might think they would "help" you - did you tell her that the PG book was very unhelpful given your circs?

Are you on sufficiently good terms with her that you can ask her outright what her motivation is? And then tell her to pack it in as you find it insensitive in the extreme.

Maybe, but its part of a pattern I think. I've also been getting silent calls on my mobile, and she has previous for this too, unfortunately.

maybe she is trying to apply the books to your rl situations to see if it will help you realise that you are not on your own and others are suffering but maybe does not want to give you any helplines any practical advice as she may think that you will think she is interferring...tbh i think she must know her stuff as she is applying your rl situations to a fiction...hoping that you may gleam something from it x..thats imo others will think differently i am sure xxx

Hi Thumb. You would think you could do this. But her and dm seem to on the narc spectrum, and any perceived 'challenge' to any behaviour is met with hysterical passive agressive melt-down in dm's case, and the last time I 'challenged' ds was when the silent phone calls started the last time.

Unless she's a complete witch who secretly hates you, I'd assume she's giving you books that mirror your life in a bid to show you you're not alone, you can get through this like the fictional people do, etc. Thoughtless maybe, but I'd think that was the extent of it. But you know her - I don't.

Thing and door I would like to be optimistic, but.

Hassled I suppose that is my worry. That she is a real witch. Locally, people think she is!

Why not just stop accepting books from her??

I could.

Crikey. In which case just send the books back with a "read them, thanks - not my cup of tea" note and leave it at that.

Silent phonecalls are so PA and childish it's quite scary - are you sure you need these women in your life? :(

Have pondered this. Generally speaking I 'manage' them, and protect myself as far as possible. Just sometimes, like now, I am more vulnerable i suppose.

i honestly think it is her way of talking to you...without you fearing she is being negative...like fred said you could always stop reading the books x

In the end, if she's making you feel worse, then ignore the books, send them back and try to keep contact to a minimum. Family who care about you should support you in your times of need, not try to make you feel worse/more vulnerable.

Read something escapist instead - I'm working my way through Terry Pratchett again just now!

You're right Thumb. I just wanted to sound MN out. It's sad that she can't be supportive (was crap when I had PND) but if she can't, for whatever reason, I just have to manage expectations. I just see others with a really good sister relationship, and I am envious! Thanks everyone.

It seems to me there's an element of projection here. Narcs tend to be actors - all the world's their stage and the rest of us are merely the scenery or bit part players in their drama.

Seems to me that the fiction she's choosing for you gives the clue to what she'd like to happen, either to her or to you or to someone else she knows, because it would afford her the opportunity of validating the fiction that underpins, and is, her life.

Accept the books and either give them back unread after a week or so with a note saying 'just as well life rarely imitates art' or burn 'em or donate them to your nearest charity shop.

That's interesting Izzy... I do need to step away from the books. I obviously realised this was an option, but just wanted to run it past. I had never considered projection, but it may well fit.

Why would you think she is being nasty by giving you books that touch on your experiences?

"She has just got out of an abusive relationship, only to go straight into another one. She seems to find it impossible to not be in a relationship, any relationship."
...You dont seem very supportive of her either.

I have been very supportive, and spent many hours listening to the latest tale of woe. A favour not returned unfortunatley. There is a lot more than books to this, as others have noticed. I have also offered advice, and accept she does not have to take it.

Also unavailable the words pot and kettle are relevant here. Either your view is extremely reductionist, or you have not bothered to read twenty posts on a thread.

My post has obviously made you quite cross Parsley. That was not my intention. Your OP made no mention of how much support you had given your sister, if that is what you are alluding to with "pot and "kettle".

I am not sure what you mean by "reductionist", but I was just giving a view that perhaps you were over thinking the book giving, and attaching ill-intent where there was none.

It is a view you disagree with, but you invited opinions.