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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don't tell me this is an EA....it's not, I care about him & don't know what to do about this situation....

22 replies

dontknowwhattodoaboutthis · 12/05/2012 20:20

Some things I mention may raise more questions & I am REALLY sorry if I unintentionally upset or anger some of you. I don't particularly want to drip-feed & think you need as much info as I can give.

I am married & this is not an emotional affair.

Ok: The situation that I need advice on please...

Best male friend (aged late 30s) has Aspergers, everything is black or white, he is "detached". I love him dearly as a brother. He has had one serious relationship - lasted 2 years. She ended it & he has been incredibly cut up about it for the last 5 years. He thought she was his soulmate, she was the only one that knew him. They still keep in touch & see each other regularly but he doesn't really share this info with me as he is SUCH a private person.

He won't consider letting anyone into his life now....nobody will match her.

I never met her as she ended it just as he & I met through work. She is plastered all over those blooming networking sites & for a nosey (I know - shoot me) I looked.

Today she has very publicly announced her engagement to the guy she left my friend for. It is everywhere, screaming out for attention, for "shout-outs", apparently she even rang the local radio station etc.

My friend doesn't use any of these sites & I don't know if he is aware yet or not. I know it is up to her to tell him but I just want to give him a great big caring hug, to tell him I'm sorry, to tell him he did nothing wrong, that he is one of lifes good guys. I feel quite protective of him.

He has been quiet with me yesterday & today & I don't know if this is connected. He hasn't had a day off from work for 3 weeks so he may just be tired & not chatty.

I am working with him tomorrow. I have no idea whether I should approach this or not given that I looked her up!! He won't discuss it if I do mention it but on the other hand I want him to know he is cared for.

I can text him tonight if I want, but I don't know what to say if anything.

WWYD?

OP posts:

bogeyface · 12/05/2012 20:24

Dont say anything. If she is being as out there as you say then he will find out eventually, and then be there to help him.

Maybe this will help him in the long run if he can accept that she is not coming back.

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2012 20:24

I dunno. I wouldn't mention it to him, if he doesn't use those sites then he won't know.

She left him 5 years ago, there's no need for him to know that she's engaged.

ImperialBlether · 12/05/2012 20:26

Can you rely on him to contact you if he finds out and gets upset?

It wouldn't do any harm to send him a text and ask what he's up to. You'll be able to judge from his reply how he's getting on.

RandomMess · 12/05/2012 20:28

Can you text, saying about he's been quiet and is he ok?

NicNocJnr · 12/05/2012 20:31

I don't see why you would deliberately draw his attention to it tbh. It sounds like wanting to deliberately provoke a reaction because he's been quiet and you've now got this big news because you were nosy.

She has every right to be moving on after 5 years. She will want to share that news with her friends and family. She's excited.

If and when he does find out then you can offer support and let him know people care for him deeply. I wouldn't mention you found out, there's no need. It really does seem like you want to tell him even though you will upset him. Thing is even with the hurt and upset it will cause it won't help him move on.
I would keep schtum personally. You should be reacting to his lead not ferreting out things and being nosy about things he probably doesn't even want to know about.

Original poster

dontknowwhattodoaboutthis · 12/05/2012 20:32

We normally chat every day by text, but yesterday & today he has been noticeably quiet, I even mentioned it to my husband today as I was concerned....& than WHAM, I THINK I may know why.

He will know if she has told him, which she may well have done, they stay in touch. They also have quite a few mutual friends so I suspect one of them has kept him in the loop.

He doesn't usually reply if I text & ask what he's up to he on the basis that if he wants me to know, he'll tell me. I could text & ask how his day was, we do that most days.

He won't tell me anything by any means of communication....He is extremely detached....his work, friends & home-life NEVER mix. He keeps himself to himself.

Without sounding condescending, I just want to tell him I love him as a friend & care.

Thankyou for your replies.

OP posts:

JustFab · 12/05/2012 20:40

It sounds very strange. Do you think you are helping him by making things into a drama?

Original poster

dontknowwhattodoaboutthis · 12/05/2012 20:43

I don't particularly want to mention it as I know he'll be uncomfortable with it.

I just don't want him thinking I don't give a damn.

A few of you have implied I am turning this into a drama - that's the last thing he needs, so I will leave the subject alone.

OP posts:

ashesgirl · 12/05/2012 20:46

He won't think you don't give a damn, will he? If he knows, he'll probably think you just don't know about it at all.

I would definitely leave it up to him to mention.

bogeyface · 12/05/2012 20:47

So you are trying to force him to involve you when in fact, his behaviour is telling you that he doesnt want you involved?

You said yourself, he doesnt tell you things on the basis that he doesnt want you to know. So clearly he doesnt want you to know about this otherwise he would have told you.

Butt out.

scarletforya · 13/05/2012 10:19

Bloody hell, leave the fella alone. It's none of your business. I'm sure if he wants to share with you he will. You're treating his life like a soap opera for your own entertainment. You are crossing boundaries you shouldn't be. You are trying to justify it with ' concern' but it's not, it's nosy and interfering.

OovoofWelcome · 13/05/2012 11:12

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time OP, but I do get the feeling that you care so much about your friend that his detachment frustrates you. This new revelation gives you the opportunity to be there for him and therefore get closer. Do you think that factor may be motivating you at all?

Gay40 · 13/05/2012 11:35

After 5 years, he should be well over it, and if he isn't, that's where the help should be directed. It is utter madness to be still upset over a 2 year relationship, 5 years down the line. Asperger's or not, this is not an appropriate response, and feeding his misery should be struck off the agenda.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 12:42

it sound slike a tired ole cliche, but you are too involved and you need to take a big ole step back

Bucharest · 13/05/2012 14:08

What everyone else has said.

(also don't understand the "this is not EA" bit of your title)

You sound a bit like one of life's rescuers. And far too close to something that is diddley to do with you at the end of the day.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 14:10

Bucharest I think she meant emotional affair rather than abuse. I wonder if she didnt want people wading in accusing her of fancying him, although I do wonder why she has been so defensive about that right from the off.

Doth the lady protest too much....?

MorrisZapp · 13/05/2012 14:14

I wondered that too. There's nothing in op to suggest EA, so why even mention it.

Bucharest · 13/05/2012 14:16

Oh right.

That makes sense.

More MH to me. (mother hen)

jazzchickens · 13/05/2012 14:23

but he doesn't really share this info with me as he is SUCH a private person.

He doesn't usually reply if I text & ask what he's up to he on the basis that if he wants me to know, he'll tell me.

He won't tell me anything by any means of communication....He is extremely detached....his work, friends & home-life NEVER mix. He keeps himself to himself.

Look at what you have posted. If he wants to talk about he will.
I think you need to take a step back.

thewickedestsm · 13/05/2012 15:56

I know we all have a nosey streak im the worst of all but I'm confused why, after two years, you have just now looked her up... and it's coincided with her getting engaged.. are you sure that you haven't been stalking her on FB for all this time and now something that will actually "end it" for him and her has come to light, you want our permission to share it with him... either because you innocently do want him to move on... or because you like the guy yourself and don't like him being obsessed with her??

Wild stab in the dark, sorry if I'm wrong. I just find it weird timing.

oikopolis · 13/05/2012 16:07

i think she meant "EA" as emotional affair. as in, "i am not having an emotional affair with this guy, i just care about him"

OP this is an extremely odd thread. no, of course you shouldn't mention it to him. leave the guy alone.

the way you describe it, he seems to be making it CRYSTAL clear that he doesn't want you involved in any aspect of his life. so don't involve yourself.

bogeyface · 13/05/2012 16:16

Another thing I find odd is that you describe him as your best friend, but it is very clear to me that he doesnt see you in the same way.

There is something weird about all this!

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