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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mil told dh that she's had enough and will have nothing to with him or with ds and obviously me!

21 replies

mum2sam · 15/02/2006 22:03

Ive often complained about my mil and although im am eventually free from her and having to bite my tongue I am absolutley gutted for dh.

Basically dh was a bit of a mummys boy when he was younger until his first serious gf came along when he was 17. It didn't take mil very long before mil came to dislike her and basically pushed him into breaking up with her.I was friends with dh at school but I didnt like him in that way. I used to really like his family though and got on really well with his mum.God how that changed when i gave in to dh advances and we started dating.

At first she was really pleased but then I started to notice that she had become jealous of our relationship. Pestoring dh to go away alone on holiday with her even though he was 23 and we were living together. Demanding hugely expensive presents and making comparisons to what hes brought me.

It got even worse when ds was born as she became increasingly jealous of the fact that I had a close relationship with my mum because she was there at the scan, and was there first thing after ds was born (because i asked her to)and also because i go around and see my mum more shes my mum for f**ks sake.Had mil not become this utter controlling jealous bitch and hadnt made me feel like i had stollen her preciuos son then maybe i would visit her more as it stood she saw ds at least once a wk and only cus we made the effort to go around although dh sumtimes went alone as she used to wind me up.

Any way to cut a long story short dh and i put in an offer for our first house which happens to be a few streets away from my mum not a diliberate intention.Dh told his mum this eveningand basically shes said that this has broke the camels back this is the end even though it means not seeing dh and ds becuase shes had enough.To add my mum and dh get along fine she is even giving us the deposit hasnt even had a say in the house, area etc all though out of courtesy we have shown her the house we intent to buy.

I hate my mil she emotionally manipulates dh I just want to ring her up and unleash all that i have held inside for dh sake

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/02/2006 22:28

oh dear. how horrible for your dh.

god i hope i dont end up old and bitter - i really do.

bran · 15/02/2006 22:31

How is your dh taking it? Does he see it for the emotional blackmail that it is, or is he feeling guilty for hurting her feelings? It must be very difficult for him either way.

QE2 · 15/02/2006 22:33

What's your dh said about this?

tbh, you need poisonous relationships like this like a hole in the head. Cut her out of your life if you can live with it. It will be her loss.

meggmoo · 15/02/2006 22:39

mum2sam you have my absolute sympathies. I hope that your house move goes well. Stick to your guns and carry on with the house sale your MIL is trying to see how much power she has left over your dh and is testing his limits.

I have had exactly the same experience with my MIL, she even boycotted our wedding, spread very vicious rumours about me and told anyone who would listen that I was carrying someone elses child I did everything I could to support my dh and never gave him any ultimatums about him seeing his mum and that was why we've gone from strength to strength and his MIL had to do a huge U turn and beg for my forgivness if she was ever going to see her grandson.

She's still a cow to me but never insults me anymore and she knows that one false move and she'll be out of the door(shown it by my dh). It's taken a while but she knows the score. I pulled a blinder when I decided to forgive her - took the moral high ground and I think dh was very surprised and thankful for this

As I said, don't give in to her, try to remember that she is so insecure that she has to resort to these tactics of hers (sad really) and don't, no matter how tempting it is, compete with her for your dh's affections.

He loves you and chose you which is why you are together he's lumbered with his mum

Original poster
mum2sam · 15/02/2006 22:52

Dh says he doesnt care but it must hurt him I imagine your mum saying that to you not because your a murder or a druggie but just because hes done what normal men do hes grown up and has his own family.

Hes become to see her for what she is I mean this is another example dh has never seen his real dad his dad never knew he existed and told his mum to have a abortion anyway lucky for me she never. For some strange reason however dispite how he treated her she goes and takes it upon herself to trace his real dad after 20yrs.She hasnt told or asked dh whether he wants to make contact. She then invites dh over and passes him the fone as soon as he walks in and surprise surprise its his real dad.Dh gives in and started to make contact over the fone just to keep mil happy and after a while decides things are fine as they are and says he doesnt want to take it further.

Here comes the emotionally balackmail: if you love me you will meet your real dad blah blah, ive got to have tests on my throat all the symptons point to throat cancer if ive got cancer you will meet him blah blah, If i die imagine how guilty you would feel. This went on for years trying to make him feel guilt

OP posts:
meggmoo · 15/02/2006 22:57

Is he her only child?

Original poster
mum2sam · 15/02/2006 23:06

These are only examples of the things shes done. She has caused huge rows between me and dh and yet i have alays bitten my tongue for dh sake and more importantly ds. I knew that if i ever spoke my mind she would never speak to me again which would make it awkward for dh and also with ds.I never ever gave dh the ultimatum no matter how much i dispise his mother but i did say i way to be treated priority.

The thing is she is so pround and stubborn that dh would have to make the first move even though shes cut the ties.Its so hurtful that shes even prepared to cut ds out that hurts me.She hasnt spoken to her brother in 3yrs, her husband has no contact with his family due to an issue with her for over 14yrs. Shes a selfish, bitter jealous women. How do you come to an arrangement with someone like that i hate her but she is dh mum and a gm to ds.She just will never admit she is wrong and always plays the victim.

OP posts:
ShaysMummy · 15/02/2006 23:07

wish mine would say that. shes a meddling cow.
sorry about your situation though.

Original poster
mum2sam · 15/02/2006 23:09

Hes her first and only son she has 3 daughters with her present husband. She had a short relationship with dh real dad but it ended when she fell pregnant.He thought she had had a abortion. She raised dh for 4yrs alone before she married.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2sam · 15/02/2006 23:24

I mean would you just do nothing or would you ring her and tell her how selfish and hurtful she is being to dh. And maybe she should stop complaining about all the things he doesnt do but to think about the things that he does do for her.Its put a real dampner on the whole buying our first house together as if that isnt stressful enough.

I dont know why im worrying as she is a nasty manipulative women but like I keep saying she is his mum and it is very likely that she will turn his step dad and sisters (they are 18 and 20 and still live at home) against him too.

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/02/2006 02:29

i think you should keep firmly out of it - it will end up your fault anyway. just support your huisband and remember not to slag her off. always remember to buy her a xmas or birthday card and ask your dh whether he would like to write it and send it - you buy it - let him do the rest - mothers day is coming up you see. she will miss him then.

i think you should encourage him to maybe ring his sisters and keep in touch with them. invite them round to the housewarming even befriend then yourself asking for advice about wallpaper or sommat.

but dont go directly getting in the way.

you need your mum, girls do when they have kids, even if your mams a bit rubbish you want her. but your mam sounds good. course your going to want to be near her, advice, support, gossip - shes your family. you visit his family as a duty - a courtesy, shes your MIL no matter how much you may have gotten to like her - its HIS family. you want to be near yours naturally.

you support your husband and dont get in the way. it will end up some big family fued caused by you ( as these sons they love so much suddenly grow up to have no power of thought for themselves its always the DILs fault)so keep well out.

Original poster
mum2sam · 17/02/2006 22:06

Well we pulled out of the house this morning and now im having big regrets.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2sam · 17/02/2006 22:06

Well we pulled out of the house this morning and now im having big regrets.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2sam · 17/02/2006 22:06

Well we pulled out of the house this morning and now im having big regrets.

OP posts:
lolliepops · 18/02/2006 08:36

why did you pull out because of his mother?

Original poster
mum2sam · 18/02/2006 13:01

yeah it put a cloud over ever thing. It doesnt change our situation though we still dont want anything to do with her after this regardless of where we live. We just want to find a house that we can be excited about and not have ruin things. After a few other viewings this morning we are starting to have regrets though that we might of missed on on a good house. I know dh really wanted it.

OP posts:
mymama · 19/02/2006 12:10

Well she won! You and dh miss out on a lovely house because she threw a tantrum. After all that upset and turmoil over her comments and behaviour she really got to you and now you are missing out on a house you both wanted. Be strong and sign back up if you want to.

LoveMyGirls · 21/02/2006 21:29

thats awful if she starts speaking to again now she will always think she can get you to change your mind on things she doesnt agree with. you are both adults and it is up to you where and you how you live. im angry and sad on your behalf. what a selfish bitter woman.

please tell us you went back and signed up for the house?

Original poster
mum2sam · 22/02/2006 16:29

Ive signed back up for the house despite the endless text messages from fil telling us how rough the area is and that we should sort it out with mil. The thing is it is about our first house and it being a step onto the the ladder.I admit that I found that hurtful but obviously the main reason is that it is closer to my mum hence if it really was out of concern about the area then why did they just not say. Mil's first response to where the house is was 'isnt that convienient and thats all. She then rang back 10mins later to say that shes now had enough and has cut ties etc.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 22/02/2006 17:10

Good on you, Mum2Sam! Enjoy your lovely new home! I hope you, dh and ds are very happy there!

LoveMyGirls · 22/02/2006 22:04

well done for standing up for what you want! i hope they grow up and realise tantrums will not pay off. i hope you are happy in your new home.

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