separation - dp being unreasonable

[cansu]

I have more or less decided I want to separate from my partner. We have two children with additional needs. He is a good father but a pretty impossible partner. He refuses one of the things I am unhappy about (basically him making a huge fuss if I want to go out without him, which leads to a massive row so I end up not going) and claims I am being selfish. There are other issues but this has been the latest thing to bring things to a head. He has tried to do the usual sweep it under the carpet and carry on but I am tired of this. I would have been prepared to carry on if we could resolve this but he won't. Anyway he has now switched to angry mode saying that I can go but he wants the children all the time. This is not acceptable to me and I have said we will need to work out a way we can share residence and care of the children. He point blank refuses this. What is likely to happen if he continues to refuse this. I am thinking I will find somewhere to love and just go taking the children with me and we will then have to try and work it out. We are not married but have been together around 16 years. Any advice?

no judge in the world will seperate a mother from her children, so go to court, sort out 50/50 residence, and tell him to stop being a big baby.

If you can't arrive at an agreement voluntarily you could take it to mediation and, if still unresolved, court. As he's obviously a man that likes to be in control, I expect his refusal is more for show than anything else. Calling his bluff, leaving and fixing the details later would probably be the best solution.

If your man is controlling (your remarks at the beginning of your post about you not being able to go out without him without causing a huge row is controlling behaviour on his part. By ending up not going for the sake of a quiet life he wins) he is going to be unreasonable in any event; this is all to get back at you for having the gall (in his eyes) to leave him. Controlling men as well do not let go of their victims easily hence his actions now. Controlling you in such ways is abusive behaviour. He is no good dad to the children either if he is prepared to treat the mother of his children like this. Women usually write the "good dad" comment when they themselves have nothing positive to say about their man.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

I would seek legal advice asap re all aspects of separation. I doubt very much if mediation or any voluntary agreement made between the two of you would work because of his overt need to control you so you will have to use the court process.

He is a bully. He actually doesn't care about having the children full time: what he cares about is keeping you in your place, and using full residency as a threat to achieve it.

You can stop hoping that this can be resolved amicably: he's not about to make it easy for you to leave his sphere of control, quite the contrary.

What happens now is that you get yourself as good a lawyer as you can. It's sad, but what you want is your own and your children's well-being, whereas what he wants is a fight, one in which he will do all he can to "win". That's another reason why having a solicitor do the fighting for you is a good thing: it will keep things on a legal, practical, and unemotional level. I wouldn't recommend mediation for you: you are likely to want to be reasonable and conciliating. When faced with a bully, that is not likely to lead to the best outcome for you and your children.

Do you rent or own your current home? Is the tenancy agreement/mortage in joint names?

If it's feasible for you to find another place to live with the dc, I would suggest you move out with them asap.

If he's presented with a fait accompli he'll have to reach an accomodation with you regarding contact. If he's not happy with your proposals, he'll need to make an application to the Family Courts.

However, if you have reason to think that he could turn even more controlling and nasty than he is now and this may extend to him endeavouring to snatch or not return the dc after contact or otherwise make an even bigger arse of himself to get at you, I would suggest you have a word with www.rightsofwomen.org.uk as it may be advisable for you to apply for a residency order in respect of the dc before or shortly after you move.

Also, post on the Legal board for general advice on the possible ramifications of leaving a partner as opposed to a spouse.

You can do it, honey, and I have no doubt that you and your dc will be much happier when you're out from under the control of this would-be tyrant.