Bombshell revelation from my mum - DV

[stellamajor]

I hope some of you who have experienced DV in your relationship and have managed to get out can help me make sense of my mum's recent revelation. I have a good but rather distant relationship with my mum. We live in separate parts of the country, see each other 2-3 times a year but talk regularly on the phone.

A couple of days ago she told me, out of the blue, about how her not so DH has been treating her for years. Not too many details, but basically he's been hitting her several times since they got together more than 10 years ago. The last incident happened on her birthday, and seems to have been serious enough to make her take the step of telling me. She does not want to involve the police, and says that he's been making suicide threats in the past when she's said she'll involve police. He has access to guns, which makes me really nervous. But basically, she expects me to pretend I don't know, and continue seeing her and H as before.

I told her I would not be able to pretend I don't know around him, but she says that if I don't she will suffer the consequences. I feel that my hands are tied. What can I do?

When you say he has access to guns do you mean guns are kept at the home? In that case I think you'd be well within reason to ring the local police and voice your concerns especially if he's been threatening suicide. There was a case like this recently in Durham I think? In the light of that tragic affair I'm sure they'd take your concerns seriously.

How awful. Your poor mum. I'm glad she's felt able to tell you now, but the problem is that now you have nowhere to go with this information. You can't possibly do nothing.

Would she like to move near you? Would you like that?

I think she should speak to a DV officer in her local police station. I can see it would be terrifying to do that, but she can't continue to live like that.

Could you invite her to stay with you? Could you phone up and make up an excuse which would mean her having to come down?

Does this man work? Does she work? Just wondering whether she has other places to go throughout the day.

Your dm has been extremely unfair in laying this heavy load on you, and more particularly in a phone conversation rather than when you were together in person, but the fact that she done so indicates that she may be coming to the realisation that she needs to end her hellish marriage.

Of course will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for you to pretend you don't know around her abuser and I would suggest that you continue to make this clear to your dm in further phone conversations while encouraging her to speak to Women's Aid or a dv counsellor that she can access via her local police station.

With regard to his suicide threats, violent twunts rarely have the decency or the consideration to top themselves and your dm is best advised to not let this deter her reporting his violence to the police.

If he holds a firearms certificate it can be revoked if he is:

a danger to public safety
of intemperate habits
of unsound mind
unfit to be entrusted with such a firearm
no longer has 'good reason' for possession

As anyone who makes threats of suicide cannot be said to be of sound mind and may pose a danger to others as well as themselves, I would suggest that you perform the public service of calling your dm's regional police authority's Firearms Licensing Office and expressing your concerns in confidence - you need have no fear on that issue as firearms officers are accustomed to receiving hearsay information from members of the public and anything you may say will not be divulged to him for obvious reasons.

I hesitate to suggest that you pour more woe on your dm's head, but it seems to me that you have little alternative other than tell her that there won't be much chance of you getting together in person unless she can visit/stay with you on her own.

Thank you for very sound advice.

In my conversations with my mum I've told her that there is no way I can meet him and pretend I'm ignorant of this and treat him the same. And I've always had a good relationship with him. Her response is that this will make her situation even more difficult. I asked her why she was telling me this now, and she said she wanted me to know in case something happened. When I questioned what she meant by this she said "in case we split up don't be surprised." Afterwards I wasn't sure if this was the whole meaning, but she doesn't appear to be frightened of him using anything other than his fists so I'm trying not to panic. My mum is a strong woman, if that means anything. She is very capable and has a job with lots of responsibility.

Imperial: I've invited her to come and stay for as long as she likes. Actually I bought her a plane ticket for her birthday, before I knew anything about this. She hardly ever visits me,it's always the other way around. She came for a very short visit after I had my DC and that was 2 months after the birth, stayed less than 24 hours and my DC in now nearly 2. She seemed happy about the gift, but has not given me a date yet. I'm now analysing lots of things that I haven't been able to understand about events in the past, and wondering what has really been behind all this.

Lentilly and Izzyizin: We are not in the UK, but I think gun laws are fairly similar here. I've found a police DV advice website and a phone number tonight, and will ring them for advice on Monday. My thought was to get his firearm licence revoked and firearms confiscated, although that will make it very clear to him what has happened. He hunts so has a valid licence and his guns will be kept in the house.

The last incident happened about 2 weeks ago, and she seems to at first having been determined to leave him but changed her mind after a few days. Apparently he's always very sorry afterwards, poor thing...

My mum works, he took early retirement a few years ago. I think you are right about not having any alternative Izzyizin, and I wonder whether she told me because she wants someone to take action despite stating the opposite. Am finding this very difficult.

And sorry, gigantic post...

When I say strong I don't mean physically, he's definately got the upper hand there. I've always seen her as someone with lots of opinions of her own (many that I don't agree with, but that's a whole other topic). When I've stayed with them I've never had the impression that she walks on eggshells around him, quite the opposite as they can have some pretty intense discussions.

Yes -I would take the fact that she has told you now, as a significant indicator that she is wakening up to the reality of what is happening to her and she is asking you for help.

The Womens Aid website is a great source of information and support.

Isn't Women's Aid a mostly UK organisation- great for information, but not so great if Stella needs to send her mum some information for getting the hell out of Dodge and into a refuge?

My sincere apologies Feminist - how careless of me to offer some info for the OP on something I found really useful in my own situation
The Womens Aid website is an amazing source of information about the dynamics of DV, both in downloadable documents and through the forums. In order to be able to help somone excuse DV, it's useful to at least have some understanding about why this isn't going to be as simple as saying 'come on mum - lets get you out of here' I would assume that at least of the issues and dynamics are applicable regardless of where in the world the OP is
I'll step back now and let you give the OP all the info she needs eh?

OP - wishing you and your mum all the best. A long road ahead but I hope you can help her get away from this man.

Somehow she is testing out the waters, she is opening up to you.

Yes it is a big burden, but to her, perhaps not as much as you might think.
Her live of DV will have become the norm for her, so she's less likely to see what she said as a big deal.

When I talked to 'normals' in the past, when I said something I thought was innocuous, it shocked me to see their reaction. So in the end I just kept quiet.

As hard as this is, your mum needs reassurance, calm and she also needs to know that you support her somehow. YES it's a role reversal in some ways, but what other choice does she have, in time she may be very embarrassed to admit all this stuff to you.

Keep sticking to the line you know needs to be maintained, that she can't live like this, that she deserves more, and better and most importantly that he will never get any better than he is, only worse. ATM she is still working, but what happens when SHE stops? He will control her every movement then.

She has to get out. It's never too late to be happy, or to be free.

She is getting to the point where she wants to leave, but needs the security of knowing that she will be supported.

It is the first step in her freeing herself of this man. Could you explain to the police that you are afraid that if she comes to you then he will follow her and has access to firearms? Would they then flag up your property for instant response?

Make sure that she knows that whatever happens, you will be there for her.

Feminist yes, a site aimed specifically at where the OPs mum is would be better, but a) as we dont know where that is, anything is better than nothing and b) shame you cant back up your criticism with something concrete.

I think that posting about WA is helpful as the OPs mum may read that site, realise what she is going through isnt ok and it may help her to find more locally approriate information.

Wasn't trying to criticise, I was wondering if the OP could say where her mum is and then more relevant info to her location in reference to finding a shelter place could be dug up.

I'm guessing the US or Canada, what with the references to hunting and such,

We are not in the UK, but I think gun laws are fairly similar here.

Then why not ask the OP instead of criticising someone who posted about WA as a place to start?

Frankly, it looked snippy and nasty, especially as you hadnt posted anything else on this thread, helpful or otherwise.

Uh, I only joined today, sorry. Wasn't intended as snippy or nasty, ah, the joys of textual interface without tone or facial expression to read. :(

maybe should have lurked more...

PM'd you feminist so as not to derail :)

I've been reading some of the linked material, thank you for that feminist. I feel the need to know more about the dynamics in this, as I don't think the "get the hell out of dodge" attitude will get very positive results with my mum. She can be quite stubborn, so I think a supportive approach is the only way to go or she will just keep quiet.

Hissy, I think you may be on to something when you say she's testing the waters. Will try to ask her if she's told anyone else (she has close friends nearby) to see if I could possibly talk to one of them, without giving the impression of ganging up on her.

It's difficult to talk to her about this topic now as usually when I call he's around. She's had some time off work in the last few weeks due to (unrelated) health issues, and I can't help but wonder if the increased time spent together had an impact on what seems like an escalation of the abuse. Doesn't bode well for when she retires a few years from now and perhaps I need to work on making her see that and that it's not going to get better on its own.

I don't think she was worried about the guns for her own sake, she mentioned them in relation to his suicide threats in the past. I read somewhere here that if someone makes suicide threats you should call the police even if you don't believe the threat is real. As a wakeup call to those using emotional blackmail when a partner tries to leave. I will tell her that when I next have an opportunity. Will also call the police DV advisory number on Monday, would like to know what they can do locally.

She will leave at her own pace only. But I concur with others that the fact she has spoken to you about it means that there is a chink in her wall of denial now: she realises that her H's behaviour is not acceptable or normal. The rest of the wall will probably fall down now, but it could take a very long time.

His access to firearms is very worrying.

The suicide threats are , but to her they will seem real, and be an effective block to her taking action (as they are designed to be). What you could try to get through to her is that she is not qualified to deal with a suicidal person, and for his own sake and hers she should call 999 any time he makes a suicide threat. It is sound advice for the genuinely suicidal, as it gets them professional help, and it is sound advice for bullying assholes, as it calls their bluff. Basically, the more that neutral third parties are brought into the dysfunctional dynamic of abuse, the more light is shone on it: the bully has to stop for fear of being found out, and the victim gets to see the situation a little more clearly for what it is.

Keep her talking. Ask her open questions. Express your dismay at things she relates: she will have normalised it all, and hearing another person express shock or compassion at events in her marriage will all be small penny-dropping moments for her.

I think the fact that it happened on her birthday and left her more bruised than before made her realise that this is far from acceptable. Also, it's recently come out that a close family member used to physically and emotionally abuse his late wife and kids, and this may have something to do with her now starting to open up. The now grown up kids of this person refuse to have anything to do with him despite the fact that he is terminally ill, and this probably makes her realise how seriously others view abuse.

On the positive side she's probably in a better situation than most people experiencing abuse, in that she has supportive family and friends, is financially independent including owning a flat (it was hers prior to the marriage) in addition to the house they share. But she needs to come to the realisation that enough is enough, and that she can't fix him. Perhaps I can persuade her to seek counselling for herself, but she's one of those people who believes you fix your own problems... Btw, she's and A&E nurse, so she's dealt with her fair share of mentally unstable people in her time, and probably thinks she should be able to deal with her H. But she's just too close to it do manage it the way she would advise others to.

I also wonder if there's an element of her feeling that she is partially to blame. I asked when it typically happened, and she said it was usually when he'd had a few drinks (and she as well), they were arguing and when he couldn't find the words/win the argument that's when the fists came out.

I will keep her talking and try not to be too insistent. The approach of giving her time and opportunity to hopefully come to her own conclusion that this relationship has no positive future looks like the best one. I feel very powerless though.