in laws, bitching, chinese whispers. wwyd

[chocolateandcoffee]

sorry, a bit of history so I don't drip feed.

This has been annoying me for a long time friend [lets call her A] is married to my Dh's cousin. DH's family have along history of bitching among each other, everything that is said is repeated to another family member in chinese whispers. By the time the story comes back to me it is barely recognisable. I seem to be constantly saying "No, what I said is xxx"

Dh's cousins family seem to have a particular problem with my Bil and Sil and have no problem voicing there opinions on them. they have also been telling me to be careful of sil, that she is carrying stories etc. A has asked me directly if I have said thing that they have heard back some of this has a small grain of truth to it most is nonsense. I have already distanced myself from sil to a certain extent, we would now only talk about once a fortnight and I am more careful about what I say ie. never talking about other family members at all. We are still on friendly terms.

Anyway back to A, over the last few months I have really had my eyes opened to her as well, I think she believes the crap her and my mil's are spinning and dose not have the same opinion of me that she used to. I think I/we are a hot topic of conversation in A's mil's house as the same opinions are being voice to me almost word for word by each of them on several occasions.

I would just distance myself from them now too but the problem is it was my dd's birthday 3 weeks ago. A keeps saying she has a present and will drop it up, she was supposed to come today but her dd is sick. It is her ds's birthday tomorrow and on the phone call she invited us up for birthday cake when they come home from their day out. I said yes and told my Dh. He is really pissed of with everything that has happened and said we should not go, it is there place to come here with dd's present first and I am walking into the lions den. That everything I say will be dissected when I leave. I agree with him but think I should go and be the bigger person give her ds his present and keep the visit short. Then distance myself.

What should I do? how should I deal with this situation? i just wish I had nothing to do with any of them. A used to be a really good friend. I feel so sad to loose her but I think she is listening to much to the in laws and has basically turned into one of them.

All you can ever do is be yourself. If others have such boring lives that they have nothing better to do than make up stories, and if 'friends' are so pathetic that they'd rather believe those stories, that is entirely their problem. If everything you say will be dissected all you have to do is keep turning the conversation away from you and back to them. If you spend your (short) time there being polite, not talking about yourself and asking about A instead, they will have nothing to dissect.

I don't think it matters who goes to whose house, they will still gossip the same.

I don't understand. What are they saying? Do you live very close to these people? Do you like spending time with these people?

thanks cognito. I plan to keep it short and just talk about dc's, the weather etc. i think this friendship has been drifting for years tbh. we used to work together before she met her Dh but our lives have taken different paths and have very little in common apart from dc's of similar age and family. I think the friendship would have fizzled out years ago only for the family connection. I think A is a little jealous of my friendship with with my sil, although i do take on board what A said about sil gossiping.

Avenger. I think what I am trying to say is that mil's family have a long history of bitching and backbiting. A is married to mil's brother. We all live very close by. Mil and her brother visit each other at least once a week, they try to out do each other on the dc's gc's etc. they talk about what each other are doing etc. Myself and A used to laugh about this, how she is better than me and vice versa, but I think A is actually starting to believe what her mil is saying.

I am dreading tomorrow as A's mil will be there asking did my mil say this or my sil say that and everything will get back within a week with a mile added on. If I say nothing she will not talk to me for weeks saying that I am quite, she must have done something to offend me etc. You cant win.

I want to distance myself from all of them tbh. I just cant be bothered any more. I feel I should go tomorrow just to get the presents out of the way and not have it hanging over me but dh says It is their place to come here first. I think he has had enough too.

I don't like spending time with them any more. I feel I have to watch everything that is said. I just want to bow out unnoticed without a big family feud.

Why don't you take the complete opposite view and make up some crap instead

These people are irrelevant and you could have some real fun with this

Make up drug taking work colleague stories, dh cheating with a man (with his knowledge obviously), your labia reduction .....

Squeeze out some tears and your golden

It's your dh's family...listen to him.

I am thinking that you don't want the little birthday boy to miss out on your gift and that is very nice of you to not let him suffer from the stuff going on with the grownups. Take the gift but consider doing it this way: Don't go in the house; ask to see the little one at the door as you have a delivery for him-give it to him with a hug & kiss and then excuse yourself - you 'have tons to do at home'. All the while a smile and a friendly "hi" to the mom, but speak with your feet and get out of there.

I might consider insisting on handing it to the little one. If he is not "available" then say you'll come back later...or post it to him.

I think you are right to withdraw, that situation does not sound healthy at all.

Laurie's idea is hilarious :)