do I tell her?

[liverLadyLass]

we're do I start?
my sis went on her holiday with her new DH of ten months,they have been together for fourteen years,
they have both cheated throughout there relationship, her once, him three time she knows about..
they go on holiday together to get away and within two day of them coming home she catches him trying to arrange an affair with a call girl who they met in the hotel,!
she then battered him,
and last night I'd heard that there were a few other young girls he'd tried it on with in the same way, and learned that he's known for it but it could never be proven,
well this is we're I come into it,
as he also came onto me when I was fifteen or sixteen, I've never told my sis as I was to frightened, know I'm older and this has happened and learning about the other young girls has made me understand that i was not to blame, he'd done the same with me, he followed me into the bathroom when I went to the toilet and tried to have sex with me, I stopped it and told him no, he left and I stayed away for a while, and he has never tried anything since,, but I've always been curious not to put myself into that position again..
listening to her tell me that him asking this call girl to go into the bathroom confirms that the young girls were telling the truth made me feel sick, I felt I could of confirmed this years ago but was such a coward not to,
I don't want to rub salt in the winds either but feel do I tell her, or am I years to late, I'm scared I'll loose my sis, but feel although I never came onto him i still feel responsible,
I can't talk to my DH as they work together in business at the moment and I also feel there would be a bust up,,
what do I do? I've lunch with her today so she can tell me everything and I can give her the shoulder she needs, but all I can think about is what I know and wishes she knew!
I'm scared she'll try to batter me, or shame me but worse of loosening her,, I'm a good person I never go out my way to hurt or minipulate anyone, I feel I knew it was going to come out one day and secretly hoped it did as its always been at the front of my mind,,
years bk she had told my DH she knew that he'd came onto me and I just old him she was right but nothing came of that, I'd said he was drunk and that I felt he thought I could of been my sis, so has he already told her but not in great detail,? and could she be waiting for me to tell her?
I feel so sorry for her,, she does not deserve that, nobody does,
we're would I start?
I stay away even know to avoid it happening again..
my sis and I have never talk about anything that's happened throughout our lives, and I don't know why?
we were both molested by our step father and can't even talk about that how can I talk about this??
I feel like jumping off a cliff, can anyone help me?

she "battered" him?
You're scared she'll batter you?
He tried to force you to have sex with him when you were a child?

Run far away from BOTH of them, lass. Never mind telling her or not, and being afraid to lose her. These are not healthy people, and the best thing you can do is untangle all the emotional links you have to them.

Seriously: you are afraid your sister will hit you. Think about it.

What parallel universe do you live in where everyone 'batters' one another? I should you should keep schtum - no good will come of spilling it all out to her.

What do you mean by "batter"?

Do you mean physical assault?

Thats is not right, you should not be afraid of reporting a sexual predator who targets underage girls for fear of being attacked by your own sister!

I would not tell her at the moment, but I would encourage your DH to break his business links with him, so that you can then consider what you would like to do.

Keep well away from both of them. Your BIL is a sexual predator and your SIS is an abusive spouse. Leave them to it.

It's not "we're" , it's 'where'

I fear we may see you, sis and her DP on Jeremy Kyle soon.

Seriously, I can't believe that you find 'battering' as normal and acceptable behaviour. Fear of telling someone something in case you get 'battered' really isn't healthy.

she punch and kneed him through anger,yes she assaulted him,
over and over again apparently through her anger of what he did she said,,
she also said she was quite proud of the fact.
he's got a black eye and she's all bruised were he's tried to keep her off him,
this had went on for a few days before they came home,
the woman he'd came onto was a booty call girl who gets travelled around the world to assist a man who's rice and married, he'd tried it on with her, told my sis as she left the room that they can pig the chain on and go into the bathroom and shell not find out,
my sis heard him, he denied it but then told her shed came onto him, then the truth,
I'm wanting to be there for her but I'm scared she'll ask me as I can't lie, I always said if anyone ever asked me I'd tell the truth but I'm petrified, I've tried on numerous occasions to get my DH out of business with him, and I guess he's always wondered why, he's trying to put things into place to buy him out, but it will take a while,,
my sis is difficult to talk to she lashes out,
she's an alcoholic too but won't admit it, I try and stay away as much as I can but then people wonder why,
tbh I think there as both bad as each other and I've been caught up in it, I didn't honestly know how to deal with it bk then, I think I blamed myself for him coming onto me, but know I'm older, I can see it wasn't really, I've no one to turn too, to talk to about this I can't trust anyone.

Agree with others, don't think it's safe for you to tell her. You have already told her about it in the past, although not to the extent of what actually happened.

It sounds like they have a terrible relationship, but remember that your sister needs to be the one to make the decision to leave and has had many reasons for years to do so.

I would seek some counselling for yourself to talk through the past abuse, and definitely get your DH to break ties with this awful man.

years bk she had told my DH she knew that he'd came onto me and I just old him she was right but nothing came of that, I'd said he was drunk and that I felt he thought I could of been my sis, so has he already told her but not in great detail,? and could she be waiting for me to tell her?

so she knows, you are just another in a long line of girls and women he has tried to cheat on her with... she batters him... he carries on cheating, she cheats...

just stay away from their life... it sounds like hell and they clearly get off on it or they wouldnt be together and have got married.. I just pity any children being subjected to this abusive mess

is he a lot older than you though? n

None of this is your fault.

I've nothing helpful advice wise but you must remember that.

I'm 28 know, he 's about seven years older than me,
apart from what he's done, for eg.
he a good dad, provides for his family, good friend, sorts out any family problem, he's there for you when you need him etc
it's like a switch gets pressed and he's a different person,?
I don't understand it but I know of it,
she was on the vodka last night think she's had a go at him last night, she says she's going to destroy him, ie the good guy everyone know of him will know him propped afterwards,, she's playing games with him, apparently he was getting her bk after her cheating, but her views were he's already done that two other times after?
I don't want to try to get out of the lunch in case suspicions arise,

doesnt sound like a good dad to me... and she doesnt sound like a candidate for mother of the year either..

good parents do not beat each other up, cheat on each other repeatedly, or behave like this.. not in my world anyway

Have either of you ever had any therapy about the childhood sexual abuse you both suffered at the hands of your stepfather? Did he ever come to justice and were you believed by your mother and other relatives?

Seeing what you write about your sister's choices in men, her own behaviour, the constant undercurrent of violence and having seen a few threads from you about your own relationship, I think you both need some help. I think this immediate problem is the tip of the iceberg because both of you are likely to have been very damaged indeed and consequently the next generation are at risk of the fall-out. That is I think the main issue here, not what's happening in the here-and-now. Regarding that, if you really think you're at risk of violence if you disclose what happened with your BIL when you were still a child, then safety first.

However he is evidently a menace to young girls and a confidential chat with a police child protection officer might help you to decide on next steps, to put a stop to this predator.

Good advice charbon. I don't understand the quite nasty comments to you op and unnecessary. Comments on your spelling, character, etc. it's just nasty. It's very clear you both still have huge issues from the terrible ordeal you went through as kids. Sadly your sister had just picked another sexual predator who preys on underage girls. You must tell someone op. Even if it's not her.

and me also squeeky
I've tried over the years to see her see sence but there is no changing her or him as they never take any responsibility for there own actions, they pretend as tho it never happened kind of thing

yes I've had counciling for the abuse,
and it was ok,
I've to see a woman who helps after talking kind of thing and my issue was I blamed myself for it happening,
I never knew it was happening to her untill adult hood,
my DH and I are are working through our differences and moving forward ATM,,
we're not perfect but do not cheat or beat each other and we try not to argue in front of the kids,
we don't drink or gamble or anything, we work hard and stress takes over sometimes,, were pitty boring actually,

she's still in bed by the looks of things with drinking last night again,
I'm kind of relieved, but I feel she may want to talk to DH and I about it,

houseofpain, thank you
but who? I'm struggling with no one to talk to ATM, apart from DH and I worry he might get angry towards him,
because of my childhood he's very protective of me,
and they work along side each other..

my spelling is upsy daisy as I'm rushing and I'm on my iPhone
apologises if I've offended

You can call this in confidence and they are qualified to help

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/childsexualabuse2.php

Speak to the police about your BIL for starters, because he's a menace to young girls.

When you say your husband might get angry towards your BIL, what do you mean? More violence? Or an agreement to sever any business connections (which sounds sensible)?

Your BIL abusing your sexual boundaries is part of your abuse story. Why are you hiding that from your husband if he knows the rest?

Can you explain a bit more about the counselling you've had and when you had it? I take it your sister's had none?

I agree that this is not the real and present issue. I do believe that the counselling you had was maybe not sufficient.

I totally understand your loyalty to and love for your sister BUT you have your own priorities now. Your DH and DCs need you to be healthy and happy (for any given value of happy). Yes your sister needs help, but she has to get to a point where she can hear it - she is not there yet and she can't hear what you say to her however often it's said. You are also not able to nor should be expected to provide the support for her to lean on alone. It is a destructive relationship that is taking away energy from healing yourself and being fully present and engaged with your own life. In these situations all the energy you pour in will be consumed by the destructiveness that's eating her.

I second rape crisis as a good starting point. It's time to focus on you now op - really it is. If suspicion is raised you don't have to rise to it. If she says anything then relay the facts. Detach. Maybe seeing you take the steps toward real healing and dealing with your past abuses will give her the strength to the same - if it does, great, if not - it is not your responsibility. If you feel you can - be honest with your DH, why hide this? Something is holding all this back but it is preying on your mind - the dam is ready to break.

I do think you should go to the police about BIL - he made advances to you when you were a child, it was a near miss. He has form, he is a predator that prefers them young.
I'm sorry OP.

omg

thanks for you good advice,
my therapy was ok, my councillor said to me that he thinks he's going to change careers as it does worse to him, I kind of only told him bits not all as I felt uncomfortable after that.. my sister has had none unfortunately, she does not see her behaviour or her drinking as a problem, ?

my DH would never hurt anyone, he would rather sort a situation out but he would argue with him,its my bil I worry about maybe loosening his temper,,
I think I'm scared of dh knowing maybe the same way I didn't want him knowing details of my abuse, the fear of not being believed I guess,

she was in bed
I'd text her to see if she's coming for lunch and I've still no answer, feel relieved tbh,
kids r staying out tonight might tell DH then,
tbh I want to be away from the whole lot of them, I'm sick of them all,,

thank you for the link x

Your therapy was not ok - he was shit Seriously re-read that LLL - you didn't tell your counsellor about the things you needed to be counselled on because it made him upset! Of course it made you uncomfortable the stupid, bloody git. If anyone said the same to you about anything what would you say? It's not alright. Spitting feathers - arrgh so many questions.

I'm sorry my love but you need to take part in some real, professional therapy with someone qualified and able to deal with childhood abuse issues. Seriously. You will see the difference immediately just be being made to feel welcome into a safe space.

There is no reason DH won't believe you. Explain that you only felt comfortable telling him now - that's your choice to make and he should understand. Even though he knows the bones of it he may (only may) get hit with a little spot of denial - this is not directed at you, it is just very hard for them to deal with such awful information about someone they love. It can be a brief period of shut down for processing reasons. It is not disbelief of your veracity.

I think you're feeling in a better place to deal with detatching and focusing your energy closer to home.

thanks nic,,
I want to stay away from them, it's only because she's my sister that I keep in contact, my sis will never change and I don't think she wants to either,
my older bro is the same as her but without hitting out, but he was never abused sexually, but physically by our eldest bro, and by my father and mother,
he feels sorry for himself constantly, like the world owe's him a living, and he to is an alcoholic and weed smoker.
I never let them around my kids when they are taking anything.

I never thought my bil in that way before, as a predator to younger girls,
I thought I was old enough to feel responsible for him coming onto me,
because I knew it wasn't right,
but didn't say anything, I was also frightened to tell my sis as I knew she'd of most likely battered me,

last night went lovely, with DH we went for a meal the to the pictures, the first in a while and I just didn't want to tell him and waste the night.
I think I will tell him, I'll wait untill i feel ready,

my councillor was really nice but I agree that he wasn't what he should of been, my DH has said that whatever it takes he will hep me recover for the abuse,
I feel like I'm complaining tho, like I should be great full as things could of been worse, I don't know why?
I do want to be helped and move on with life, I've never told on this person he still lives in my childhood house.
how do you get a good therapist?

It sounds as if your sister and her husband are as vile as each other and deserve all they get.

I think you need to keep away from her, him and their whole fucked up life.