bad dream

[butterflybee]

i've been much more of a lurker than poster lately, but this really shook me up and I could use some support

i dreamt I went on a date with someone who started raising red flags - basically extremely selfish. When I got home (which somehow was still with my ex - i moved out in July last year) my ex told me that he was calling each of my facebook friends in a threateningly jealous way. then he chased me around a garden with a swimming pool (definitely not mine!) and beat me into a pulp. i tried to get someone to call 999.. but couldn't make it happen.

my ex hasn't been physically violent like that. there have been throwing my hand away from something incidents, a chase me around the house and trap me in the bathroom incident and a him-grabbing-and-me-struggling-to-get-free match over my documents that only ended when his mom shouted him down and left finger shaped bruises on my arm, not documented at the time.

there is and was emotional abuse. i still find it hard to pin that down, although i am getting a lot better thanks to Lundy, the wonderful women here & part of the freedom programme. it helps that communication is now almost all through email or text so i can pick it apart afterwards every so often and see what he's doing.

sorry, this turned much longer than i meant. beyond reassurance.. i used to have these images of him coming at me with a knife when I first moved out. it feels crazy to be this scared of him when he's not physically harmed me (yet?). i suppose that's the thing - you read these stats of men turning violent when the relationship ends. any idea how realistic my fear is? anything I can do to reduce it?

we've got kids age 3&5, 70/30 contact although he wants more and i've not intiated divorce yet, but am very close. i actually think this fear is blocking me from moving forward - i don't want to push him too hard because i'm afraid of what will happen.

Poor you that must have been so scary.

My advice would be to continue impersonal communications definitely. Look on this as reassuring yourself not expecting problems but making plans just in case.

Also remember he has been violent!! You are minimising. You don't want to push him too hard well - divorce is inevitable after his behaviour - he has brought this on and will certainly be expecting it. He will be aggressive/threatening etc because you are breaking free from his influence. I can't judge his behaviour from here but you know exactly what happened. I don't think staying in this emotional place is keeping you safer. Apologies for making that sound dreadfully uncaring but it's not meant to be at all what I mean is I don't think it will be worse than now going forward. You are better off forging ahead. Him be able to leverage your emotions against you will lead to ability for him to escalate. I don't think you are more at risk going and making that final step.

You can do things like adding door locks/peep holes and window locks etc to give an immediate feeling of security. Also it may be worth talking to your local police station - often there are dv teams who will be able to advise you of what to do re strategy if you are at all worried. They can offer you things and talk through what they may be able to do and offer assurances about what will happen if you call.

It is true that finally breaking free can cause eruptions of violence however escalation is also as common. So as far as divorce proceedings go - you are no safer stalling than pushing on - is it just this that is causing you to delay or just a general difficulty in processing what has gone on? He seems to have a great deal of emotional access to you even though you are separated.

If he has never been violent (although it seems he has but just in ''little'' ways) then you are very unlikely to be in a position where he can have the opportunity while you get the divorce done. You don't need to do this alone at any point. Remember as well if you are scared just dial 999 - even if he's 'done' nothing, get comfortable with just acting. No talking, appeasing or calming. If you are being threatened in your own home 999. Don't threaten him with it just do it.

I would suggest carrying on with counselling and discussing things but you can also look at ways to make yourself feel more secure - maybe pick up/drop of for the children is in a public place not your home (e.g. MacDonalds/shop/ or somewhere and on coming home they get a treat too so it doesn't seem to them to be about their dad). You can continue communication through solicitor only so he has no way to get into your head - ignore calls, only read pertinent emails (save any that show his character).

Also remember that your dream was an anxiety dream - you are processing things but are also suffering from stress in huge doses and worry. Dreams are not an indication of what will happen, it is only manifesting your fear - don't let it compound that worry. Divorcing and detaching from him so he has no influence in your life will be better for you. You are still there with one foot in the past and that is never a good place to be.

Dreams are emotions rattling around your head with nowhere to go. We build up the pictures to match the emotions because that's the way human brains work. The main feelings in your dream as I see them are that you feel under attack, insecure, anxious & frightened. You've therefore created images in your dream of situations where you are more literally under attack, insecure, anxious and frightened.

If you find yourself in a similar dream in future I'm going to suggest you change the way it ends. If you've never tried this before, it's worth a shot. When it gets too bad, take a deep breath and tell yourself out loud... 'this is only a dream'... several times. Like you might pause a scary DVD and tell yourself 'it's only a film'. It takes a big effort but, once you've done it successfully, you can then change your dream to end how you want it to end.

My feeling is that once you start the divorce and regain some control, like controlling the dream, the anxiety will recede. Good luck

Your anxiety is totally normal. I had nightmares about exH coming in to my room at night to kill me after I had left, and the "2 a week" stats did little to help my anxiety (the fact that you have been gone since July with no further incidents does substantially lessen the risk, if that helps.).

He was violent. You were scared. It is normal that your dreams reflect this.

I recommend you do relaxation exercises and learn to counter anxious thoughts.

Keep going to the Freedom Programme, and individual counselling if you can. As you learn to accept that the situation is what it is, that you can't control him, but that you can control your own thoughts and actions, the anxiety will recede.

This may sound a bit daft, but what helped me (along with relaxation to combat anxiety) was to think "Oh well, if he really wants to kill me I can't stop him trying. But right now I CAN stop my own terrorised thoughts and enjoy every ex-free moment, and I can deal with any future violence as and when it happens."

You poor, poor thing. I too suffered from horrific nightmares about my violent ex. They were always very graphic and disturbing.

Although it took a few years, the nightmares have finally gone and this coincided with me changing my attitude towards him in real life.

I realised I was seeing him as this huge, over powering evil demon who had the power to still control me. So I slowly started altering the image of him to firstly a sewer rat, to edventually feeling neutral about him.

That does not mean condoning what he has done by any means. It means working hard to release yourself from the powerful effect they have to feeling not much either way so you can be set free.

I think while things are still raw it might take some time, but in your waking hours you could try trying to change the way you see him to a figure which seems less frightening. Slowly over time your associations of him will change and your brain will need to do less processing these negative feelings through the medium of nightmares.

I like to read dream interpretations after having some pretty warped and scary nightmares. And while it's not the same for everyone I find it comforting to see why I'm dreaming certain things that I certainly don't give any conscious thought to.

• in the dream you are the beaten one - indicates fear and deep anxiety in your RL also the need to address something of importance. There's could be an issue with finding a closure for something. Does any of this make sense to you?

The date with the red flags is obviously what you fear -meeting some one new who wants to control you, is selfish, a bad person. Perfectly normal to have such feelings after having an abusive ex.
I hope they stop soon for you, they can be terrifying and feel so real.

Thank you all so much for stopping by to reply. It makes me feel much better to have some reassurance and even just to be heard. It started to feel better as soon as it was on the page and out of my head. I don't often dream, but when I do they really affect me.

dondon33 - thanks for highlighting the red flag date. i actually remember feeling proud of myself for noticing he was acting off and putting myself first. And then... ex climbs out of the swamp to attack. I definitely think there's something about being afraid that setting (more) limits and putting myself & the kids first will have BAD consequenses. I'm slowly doing it and seeing how the world not only doesn't explode, it gets better. But it's a long process. I had no idea how long this would take.

starwisher and hotDAMN (love your name, by the way) - I know I need to change my attitude towards him. He is not all powerful. He is not the only one who matters. I find those ideas easier to hold in my brain than my heart or my gut. I went through a phase where I called him all sorts of nasty names in my head and to friends.. now I just want out (closure?). I've still been known to fanatasize about him being hit by a bus. And then I feel guilty. I don't want to become a violent person myself, even in my thoughts.

Thank you especially for the reassurance the scary stats are less likely to apply if it's been 9 months out with no (big) incidents.

Do you have any anxiety release / relaxation suggestions or links? I try to do deep breathing, snuggle my kids or stroke the cat, distract myself with something funny, listen to music, some meditation (although I find it hard to concentrate or even just sit while not concentrating). I'm on citalopram and have another bout of counselling starting next week. I've just about stopped drinking after that was happening more than I liked and I'm definetly feeling more even as a result.

NicNoc and Cogito - I think you're right that I need to set things in motion. They are moving, just very slowly. I'm at the stage where I need to finalise unreasonable behaviour and that's .. difficult. I still find it hard to define or give examples for the manipulation, gaslighting and somewhat subtle control and nastiness. It's also really emotional. It was a hard place for me to be and I don't really want to go back there, even if the trip will eventually get me out for good.

Then again, we've got kids together so there is no out for good. I think that's the heart of the matter - I struggle with how to enforce boundaries, keep him out and move on with my life when we need to be in contact and make decisions somewhat jointly about the kids. It leaves an access that he is exploiting. I'm not expecting answers to that bit, just thought I would make it clear what I'm finding most difficult.

Thank you again for listening to my ramblings... it really helps just to get it out and get some outside perspective.

Please don't feel I was in anyway trying to be dismissive of how you feel. Not the case at all, in any way. You have my utmost empathy.

Sometimes the steps that get us there are small but the important thing is putting one foot in front of the other.

www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100130008 has a list of MH websites. Womens aid also do leaflets - I would suggest survivors handbook, looking after yourself, have a look at the ones you think are best for you.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=7&ved=0CH8QFjAG&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.norwichrapecrisis.co.uk%2Fdocuments%2Fgroundtech_nightmares.doc&ei=JICtT_zbKsGg0QWAmbGwCQ&usg=AFQjCNGIr3YFV6rAodMXwr8De1ZSjZG9gA

No idea if this link will work - it goes to a download of grounding techniques by Norwich rape crisis.

I'm rubbish at this and can't link other places. But Womens aid are a great place to start. They can help comprehensively too.

Thanks for the links NicNoc. I never thought you were being dismissive of my feelings at all, I actually found your post really supportive. Please don't worry.

Women's Aid in my area hasn't been all that helpful so far. I think they're underfunded / overstretched and can't offer much if I don't want to go into a refuge. I called their phoneline a few times and have found that useful. The Freedom Programme course was in the next (outer rather than inner London) borough and they seemed to have more resources available. I might call them and see if they can recommend anything.

Hmm, sadly that is a problem. I hope TFP can help. I do recommend having a glance over their leaflets if you haven't.

TBH there are a few places for each thing separately/combined/little bit of many things - but the problem is always their staffing level in your area, funding etc. I have found MIND led on to helpful places, anxiety.org.uk (I think)

also, weirdly, here DirectGov led on to helpful places.

Not your area...one's area pretentious, moi

It's moved forward... he's taking me to court over contact.

Not surprising. He is a bully and he needs to "win". Don't worry: courts cannot be bullied. Only you can, and you're not going to let yourself be.

Do you have a solicitor? It's their job to fight your corner, and to do it through unemotional practicalities. Instruct your solicitor well and let him/her do the fighting: it's great that the law exists to present an emotionless buffer in these situations.

Time to very clearly commit his unreasonable behaviour to paper. Try using headings, with bullet point examples, if that helps: list whatever you can recall under the headings of Verbal abuse, Physical abuse/intimidation, and Threats.

Having left a partner, safety planning principles are -

Avoid contact. Don't reply to texts, emails. Delete and block.

Contact - arrange thro the court and stick to it. Arrange 3rd party handovers where possible so you do not have to see him. Buy a cheapo phone and chip for telephone contact and switch it on at the appointed times and only your children speak. Use a contact book to write stuff down like food needs, illnesses, what bumps and bruises are (to avoid him saying you did them) etc.

He is allowed comms regarding the children, but not you or your past rel with him. Anything threatening or aggressive, report.

I would take that dream seriously because it is a message that you are afraid of him and for good reason. Take good care xxx