Pregnant and not in a very happy relationship

[TroubledofLondon]

I'd really like to hear your views on my situation. I have posted a few times on Mumsnet but have name-changed for this.
I have a gorgeous little girl with my DP. We had been together about 3 years when I got pregnant. I wasn't sure I wanted to be with DP forever, but at 33 I knew I wanted children, as did he, and so one time we had sex without protection and I didn't take the morning after pill. And there I was, pregnant and not sure I was with the right man. It was terrifying. I considered having a termination but felt I couldn't. We weren't even living together, but we moved in and three years down the line we are surviving, but not always happily.

And now I've gone and done it again. I've been feeling a teeny bit broody over the past few months, but at the same time have been seriously considering if I can stay with DP when I'm just not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We went away for a night a few weeks ago for the first time without DD. We had unprotected sex, and I remember thinking it could have been a fertile time of the month, but again I took a sort of 'what will be will be' attitude. And now I'm 7 weeks pregnant and feel trapped. I'll never be able to leave this relationship now. I feel I've been so unfair to DP, DD and to myself. I'm considering a termination and DP is being very supportive - says it's my decision - but he is more optimistic about our relationship than me. I love him, I would like to us to stay together if possible, especially for the sake of DD, but there are definite problems with our relationship.

Should I terminate the pregnancy (although not sure I could if it came down to it) and acknowledge that if I'm feeling this way it's time to leave DP, or should I try to stick it out and make it work, with a new DC on the way? I know it doesn't sound like it but to the outside world I come across as competent, reasonably happy and not a complete loon.

You say you love him? Love is all we need right? Im guessing every relationship has its ups and downs?
Life can be quite scary hey? We never know if we are making the right choices but we try and go with our gutt feelings and yours was that evening what will be will be and this is it!
Noone can really tell you what to do as this is yours and your DP decision, and a very big one at that!
Maybe you feel scared with another DC on the way? This is normal to have mixed emotional feelings!

You say you love him. You say you would like to stay together, and that he is more optimistic about you relationship than you are.

What would you say are the problems, and what is good?

Troubled, sorry to hear you are having these doubts, especially at this time. When you say there are "definite problems" in your relationship, what do you mean? Are they capable of being resolved? You say you love your DP and he is more optimistic about your relationship and of course you have your DD so presumably this means you both have some motivation to try to make it work? Are you miserable together? Have these problems existed over the whole of your relationship together?

That is an incredibly confused post. I can't say I quite condone your choices but that's your deal not for me to pass judgement on.
From what I see (and I am pro-choice) going for a termination now, in this confusion will end up being the biggest regret for you. You have time. Use it productively to consider your situation.

You are incorrect that 'you will never be able to leave this relationship now' - staying together for the children has led to more fucked up kids than you can count. You are competent and will be able to manage alone. There is no rule saying that once you split up DD will never see her father again or that because you have 2 children you have lost the right to be happy. Providing a model of happiness and stability is important for children but families come in all shapes and sizes. Don't relent to feeling like you 'just can't' go, consider it as one of your very viable options.

From what I've read the most important thing to do is go to your GP or look online for the various numbers - I can't link so maybe another poster will - and go and talk to someone. You are in a place, muddled by hormones, where you need guided support from someone qualified to give it - not opinions from people here, I don't think it's enough when you are considering termination and the future of your relationship. OTOH your partner's blind optimism isn't enough either. You may find couples counselling of benefit to building a better foundation to your relationship but only when you have found a way through your own thoughts alone.

I'm sorry OP it must be a horrible, horrible time.

Thanks happy. I do love him, but I feel there are things missing (intellectual compatibility for one) and I feel sad that I'll never know what it's like to be in a really happy relationship with someone I know in my heart I want to marry and be with forever. I can't imagine being with DP if we didn't have DD.
Having said that you're right about gut feelings and at that moment I was willing to have another child with DP so on some level I must have some faith in us. Or else I'm just broody and desperate to be pregnant (again, on some deep, hidden level - I don't feel like I really want to be pregnant right now). There's no easy answer to this is there. Either way I think we'll both end up miserable.

I don't mean that to read like leaving is your only option - only to not discard it as a possibility and stay being trapped and unhappy.

I really do think having a frank talk with a qualified person is the way to go - then you may see that everything is workable with some changes. These are big choices to make and you don't have to deal with them alone. You may find it leads to a happy family with your DP.

Apart from you using Mr Will Do Until Mr Right Comes Along as a sperm donor whenever your biological clock rings its bell, what are the 'definite problems' with your relationship?

Or is this a stealth boast about your fertility?

Everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me but I'm starting to realise that posting on here was probably very unhealthy. As you say NicNocJnr I need to talk to someone. And no, I don't condone my choices either. That's what's so horrible

No, izzyizin, it wasn't meant to be a stealth boast about my fertility. Thanks for that though.

Troubled, you need to take some time. It is almost like you sub-consciously trapped yourself or are testing the relationship (by knowing you might get pregnant again) and now are panicking. But as others have said, there is no reason to think you will end up miserable. One option is to stay, you say you love each other. I know at least a couple of couples who are not intellectually compatible, but love seems to work for them. Something must have kept you together for the past three years.

Another option is to split up and parent separately- this will not make you miserable necessarily, you might make great co-parents.

Obviously it is up to you, you sound very confused, I am not sure I can help more except to suggest you find someone to talk with in real-life (counsellor, a good friend).

X-posted.

When you say that you don't have intellectual compatability, is this because he is intellectually your superior or your inferior?

You don't have to stay in a relationship with a man just because he's fathered your dc. What's stopping you becoming a single parent?

Don't panic: you have choices, but take your time and don't do anything too hastily. It sounds as though this is a compatibility thing; I think everyone must doubt their compatibility with their partner from time to time - that's just relationships, we all have ups and downs (sometimes really bad downs!). But don't make the mistake of thinking there is a wonderful, perfect person out there waiting for you. Remember, also that early pregnancy is likely to be skewing your emotions!

Speak to your GP, see if you can talk to a counsellor, perhaps also consider doing some joint counselling with your DP. Even if you keep the baby and it doesn't work out with DP, there is support out there for you.

Intellectual incompatability appears to have worked for Mary Archer, but I can't think of many other relationships where it hasn't had a negative effect because if one party believes they are intellectually superior to the other both can be dminished, albeit in different ways.

You were in this situation 3 years ago and here you are again with the same old. By my reckoning, if you get broody every 3 years you'll be able to pop out another 4 or so dc while you continue to live unsatisfactorily/unhappily with your current dp.

If you hadn't settled for him 3 years ago, you might have gone on to find Mr Right but, of course, there's no guarantee that a Mr Right will stay Mr Right Forever.

Project yourself into the future. Will you feel the same way about your current dp if you're still living with him when you are 40 and have 2 or 3 dc? How about when you're 50? Will you feel that life has passed you by and will you start regretting that you didn't make more of it when you had the chance?

If the answer is yes to any of the above what will it take to change the outcome? Is feasible or achievable for Mr Will Do For Now to become your Mr Right? If not, it's best that you set him free to find a woman he will be intellectually compatable with.

Have you felt trapped by having one dc with your current dp? If the answer is yes you will feel considerably more trapped if you have another by him.

The decisions we make create and shape our lives. If we shy away from making difficult decisions we only have ourselves to blame if we end up with little personal satisfaction and a lot of 'if only's'.

I don't think your only two options are termination or sticking with the relationship. You were considering leaving with one child, surely you can still do that if you want to?

I think you have to separate the two decisions. Having the baby is a lifetime commitment, are you ready and able to make that? This is obviously your most urgent decision, try and seperate it in your mind from the decision about your relationship. Partners come and go, children are forever!

Doesn't any one else find it strange that OP twice has intentionally gotten herself pregnant then considered/is considering abortion as a some kind of contraception. I am pro-choice btw.
OP if you didn't want babies with this guy then you should have ENSURED you didn't get pregnant, especially the 2nd time. But I do wonder if you have done what mummysblouse suggested earlier about subconsciously trapping yourself.

However, you are in this position now and I agree with some of the other posters, there's nothing forcing you to stay with him, just because children are involved doesn't mean you have to stay if it's not working. You don't need to make the decision about the relationship now, more important is the decision about your pregnancy - 4aminsomniac makes some good points.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

At least your honest op.

I think you wanted another baby, you knew that if you had unprotected sex like last time pretty possible you could become pregnant.
I don't think having a baby will make you unhappy. You can do this and leave your man if you are so unhappy. Something stops you leaving him, are you sure this s what you really want?

What's your life like, do you have a job, hobbies, friends etc?