Now I have a solicitor!

[keepingupwiththejoneses]

H is being really awkward about separating. He wanted to go, then he was waiting till he had enough money and now he has, he has decided he won't leave until we have something legally drawn up over the house. He has already told me there will be no maintenance as he has to pay rent and bills, he has hardly ever contributed to the household, but he want 50% of the equity when I sell it no chance as he has agreed I will stay here for at least another 5 years. I have said he can have 50% of the equity based on a valuation done now in line with the housing market when the house sells IYKWIM.
I have made an appointment with a solicitor as I can't see us coming up with a solution. It is driving me mad, 6 weeks ago we agreed on a time scale of 4 weeks, he is just making excuses, he hasn't even looked at moving out.

I am feeling a bit nervous this morning. My appointment is at 1 today. What are they likely to ask. They have already said they will sort out my legal aid today but not sure what else will happen. I am going to get some tissues to take with me as I am sure I will start crying.

Hi Keeping - don't be nervous, the solicitor will be totally used to dealing with emotional clients given the subject matter and no doubt he/she will have a box of tissues on the desk if needed!

As for preparation, I'd say just make sure you have all your financial documents with you re the house and your income - so latest mortgage statement, any valuations, payslips, child benefit and tax credit docs, current and savings account bank statements - that sort of thing. If you're doing a legal aid assessment, you might not have a chance to discuss much afterwards but have an idea of what you want from him in terms of immediate proposals - for instance, date for moving out, proposals for maintenance and contact.

How are you feeling generally? How's H behaving? Do you have any diary/log of his behaviour over the past few weeks so you can talk to your solicitor about realistic prospects for forcing him to move out?

Sorry couldn't get here before the appointment. I had everything she needed with me. She was lovely, has told be to come up with 5 reasons for divorce and to speak to the boys schools. My only problem is that I don't qualify for legal aid even though my income is only benefits. I need to look into other options before I can go forward with anything.

I have just tried entitled 2 and I will be able to get legal aid, thank god!

The bastard has taken and hid our marriage certificate! We where married in Dominican republic so I need it

Fuck sake!

It has taken me ages but I have found out how to get a new one. I have to write to the general registrar over there. I am taking the boys and my passports and birth certificates to my DGP for safe keeping in the morning.
I will only be entitled to legal aid when he is gone too.
Feeling really shit tonight to be honest. Can't wait for my mum to come home from holiday.

Aw Keeping - I've only just caught up Why will you only be entitled to legal aid after he moves out? Is it because he's paying the mortgage? Is there any way you can fiddle around with your finances to mean that your contribution is directly to the mortgage and therefore counts as a housing cost? I'm a bit behind with the rules for legal aid but I remember that it is a possibility - you could pay your half directly to the mortgage company...apologies if it's irrelevant.

What a twat he is hiding the marriage certificate - what's that going to achieve exactly? Any chance you can go through his stuff with a fine tooth comb whilst he's out and about? He definitely is under-estimating your eagerness to get divorced if he imagines for one second that you're going to let that stop you! Chin up duck - you're doing all the right things. It's going to be hard for sure and may get more horrible before it gets easier but it will be worth it in the end, I promise.

When he leaves I will not receive working tax credits and will be able to claim income support. He pays nothing.
I have been through his stuff but no luck, I have even asked him, he had the nerve to tell me I should have asked his permission if I wanted the certificate Idiot! What does bother me is our youngest's birth certificate is missing too although i have their passports, I am going to take them to my nan's for safe keeping.

I think you need to be careful how you protect yourself in this. You have been claiming a tax credit award based on his fraudulent income amount, which you have knowledge of. The quicker you separate your finances the better!

There is no proof of his extra income. He is self employed and anything over what he has declared has been cash in hand private property work. I will separate our finances as soon as I can but as I don't work I am reliant on the System who won't change anything until we separate. I have been very honest with my solicitor too. To be honest this tax return it would have made no difference anyway as he really didn't earn a lot last year he didn't reach his tax allowance even if he had declared every penny he earned.

Apart from the people who have paid him in cash and if he has been reported then he may be under investigation. I think you are very vulnerable to his potential financial shit storm until you are separated.

Try not to worry too much about the Tax credits thing Keeping - if you've told them what he's told you then you should be okay I think. Just keep focusing on all the benefits the divorce will bring - no more worrying about his shit for a start!

I am trying cash! I just wish my mum was here, just feel so alone at the moment. He is being such a bastard, throwing things up that happened over 5 years ago and twisting them so I am 100% to blame. He is trying to tell me that the court will force me to go out to work so I can buy him out of the house and that I only have to have a job to get a mortgage to do it we have a 90k mortgage and 2 children with sn! Apparently, in his world no judge would ever make him wait for his money out of the house till ds3 is 18 and out of full time education! He is so controlling! I have been running around all day with ds3 trying to get a prescription for his thrush while he has just sat at home or disappeared off out, then tried to tell me that chemists are open all day on a sunday and stock everything! It is just me who is stupid enough to have gotten a prescription for something that is out of stock.

He is talking rubbish, but you know that - the odds are very good that you'll be able to keep the house till your children are grown up, and since they have SN probably for longer.

I do know it. He is just so nasty and aggressive when he says it, it beats me down. I am keeping a diary of his episodes now.

Oh Keeping - he sounds awful to you and you sound run ragged - how are you? Are you looking after yourself? Eating and drinking - your boys need you which is hard I know but don't let the bastard get you down.

As for what he's saying - listen to Downandoutnumbered - it's a load of crap. I'm sure your solicitor told you what the real possibilities are and not what he wishes he could squeeze out of you and your kids. FFS - I'm getting angry now! I mean, what the fuck is his problem - it's not like (from what you say) he's actually contributing to the mortgage or even contributing at all. He's painting a very nasty picture all by himself - basically that he's happy to give you nothing to care for his children whilst taking from you for "his share". Bollocks, absolute bollocks.

A very wise mn'er once told me that the best defence is to withdraw totally. You feel alone and helpless because you're stuck in the house with him until he either sees sense or is forced to leave. You have to find a safe place in yourself where you can withdraw totally and not listen to his garbage. Don't try to discuss things with him, don't try to get him to change his mind. It's pointless - he'll only use these openings to verbally bash you over the head and make you miserable. Just pass the time of day and general pleasantries, answer questions yes or no. The only possible problem is that it may infuriate him that you're unwilling to "play the game" and he may well ramp up the bullying - in which case your diary is a very good idea and if his behaviour becomes aggressive or physical in any way, shape or form you should go straight back to your solicitor for advice as to how you can get him out of the house.

Thanks Cash. I am keeping safe within myself. I know he is getting wound up by my none reaction to thing he does. I have every intention of going straight back as soon as he does anything like that. I think it is harder at the weekend because there isn't really anything to take me away from it all.

I would get 3-4 valuations of the house to get an idea of equity. However if he is saying he has no intention of paying child maintenance then use it as a negotiation tool. You keep the house and equity, then maybe let him off with the maintenance (as long as you can manage financially).