STBXH wants DD7 to meet the OW

[KirstyWirsty]

He's just sent me an email

I have been meaning to discuss with you introducing DD to OW. I have no intention of doing anything that would confuse or unsettle her. I wanted to discuss it with you first.

(That will be the discussion btw)

I have responded that he will need to do what he thinks is right - it's not for me to decide.

(DD already knows of her existence and she's already been buying her sweeties that have been delivered by him)

We split at New Year when I discovered the affair

I just wanted to know ...How did you cope with your DC meeting the OW?

Its a long time ago for me now, but I think I took it as inevitable that it would happen.

I try to remain neutral with my two when they bring back stories from their weekends with their father & OW (now his wife). I also force myself never to ask them questions - other than very top level stuff, like 'did you have a good time at the zoo?' etc. I'd rather they volunteer information, than me pressurising them to tell me.

Sometimes mine have good weekends & sometimes they don't enjoy them much. They are fondish of their step-mother, but there doesn't seem to be much more of a connection than that.

Unless she's truly vile (violent, criminal, alcoholic or addict) try to think of her as an additional person to be nice to your DC and be a friend to them.

Yes SGB that is an emotional stance to aspire to

However whilst I never showed it to my DC and took a similar approach to postbellum I found her and her familys involvement with my DC agonising and actually far harder to accept happily than my xh leaving

It's a long time ago for me - DD met lots of OW's (although I was clueless) and was generally spoiled and treated like a little pet by them - but the lovely lady that ex married was really good to DD and although she no longer speaks to her father, DD still has a relationship with her SM.

I like the stance you are taking, OP, cool and disinterested - I bet it is driving him mad. And when it happens, just be gently supportive - kids often look for 'permission' to enter into a step relationship and she may need to feel you are unbiased so she can talk to you about it.

It's too soon IMHO. I think in every case it should be at least a year. I think parents that cant wait that long are not putting their children first.

My DD is a real mummy's girl and I have no worries that OW will ever replace me ..

SGB I do hope that OW is nice to my DD as I want DD to be happy (I have a friend who is a bit of a 'wicked' stepmother to her DH's to girls and wouldn't like that to happen to my girl) ..

I do have the concern that if their relationship doesn't last (and odds are that it won't) then DD will be involved in another split though ..

That is why i think a year kirsty, an exciting secret affair is very different from day to day life.

lunar, I agree with you - but I think that this is not something that Kirsty can enforce.
Kirsty & her ex have a daughter. That daughter has a right to see both her parents. Kirsty can make requests as to how her ex handles that time, but she can't control it.

Hi Lunar I totally agree however the thing is STBX's longest relationship apart from me has never got passed the 2 year mark (when he shows his true colours perhaps? - I had DD before it became evident what he was really like and then I stuck it out for my DD) so I imagine DD will be meeting a lot of OW over the years to come!

PostBellumBugsy I think he would have been expecting a big drama from me about his request ..

I agree that I cannot control who he introduces DD to unless I can prove it will cause DD harm so although I would rather my DD didn't meet the OW there is nothing I can do about it and so why get myself all in a state about it?

Sounds like you are handling it all with great aplomb Kirsty. Well done. As far as I can tell, the only thing I can control with regard to my DCs contact with their father is my reaction to it. So, I back your approach 100%.

You are handling this well. Your response was excellent and no doubt he had painted you as unreasonable so hopefully OW is getting a slight wake up call. I completely agree that parents shouldn't rush the introduction of new partners - it's a red flag in a relationship, if my DH had wanted to rush introducing his son I would have been very alarmed.

Sensible parents who demonstrate that they have learned something through life don't hurry into relationships. Once bitten..

I think this attitude reflects a sense of selfish entitlement - "I am a parent but I'm also entitled to put my feelings first and I want to play happy families"
2 years is always my benchmark for relationships - most people can't hide their true colours by then.

I utterly admire your aplomb! really!

I think you have a perfect right to say to him that you understand his need/desire to rush things with the OW and your DD, but that you would prefer he waits for the time being.

Tell him that if you work together (him and you) you can have gentle conversations with her to make sure that she is OK with it.

Suggest the 1 year mark (from the date of split, naturally) as usual practice, but that in some circumstances things can moved up a little quicker.

Stress the need for careful management/support of your DD, and say that you know it's inevitable, either with this OW or AN Other OW, and you are resigned to that, but that your DD's happiness and feelings are the only things that matter in all of this business.

'D'H is one of those who declared 'True love' and I was 'The one' within two weeks of meeting .. I didn't know then it was a red flag though!!

I think he did want to put me in the driving seat of the decision as well so that if things didn't work out then it would be my fault (just like everything else!)

It was nice of him to even email you this, as my STBXH didn't. In fact he is going through his 3-4th g/f since we split 6 yrs ago.

My children are only 6 & 8 now, and they attach themselves to the newest fling, and then it's over. However, as long as I'm stable in my life, and I am a role model for them, I can't control what my STBXH does.

It was nice of him to ask...and as hard as it is... I would let him. Better than him doing it behind your back.... ! JMHO

I think it is both possible and healthy to teach children that not everyone who comes into your life is going to be there for a long time. Is your XP the reasonable sort who just happened to fall for someone else, or is he a total bellend? It might be a good idea to ask him to portray his GF as 'Daddy's friend' rather than 'Your new stepmother' at least for a while, but not if that's likely to make him start acting like a knob.

SGB my former nickname was Liarswife .. he is the King of the Bellends I'm afraid !!

Kirsty - I am in admiration at how you are handing this, and will be taking a leaf or two from your book. You seem to be coping much much better than I am. It's just an awful sickening feeling though.

Kirsty: Oh dear, so he's the sort who will give them a succession of 'new mummies', is he? That's a pain for you and them. I guess it's best to gently prepare them for the likelihood of people coming and going while assuring them that they only have one mum and that's you and that you won't be going anywhere.

That is my plan SGB I have already told DD that I am her mum and no one will change that .. and that I love her more than anything in the world

I was starting to have a bit of a thought fantasy this morning that if OW wants to meet DD so much maybe she should come and meet me on her own first (I'm sure she wouldn't want to do that)

I actually pity her for being landed with him - and part of the 'fantasy' of meeting her is actually to say 'In 2 years time think back and you'll see what the truth really was'

Why should I care that she is landed with such a total dick? I did call her last year when I found the flirty texts on his phone and said 'hands off he's married' and that didn't deter her so she's more than welcome!

I have yet to meet this new OW... my kids talk alot about her... Once my STBXH texted to see if OW could pick up the kids... I said, sure any time... When the time came I didn't have the guts to go up and chit/chat with her! Kids saw her out the window, and off they went....

Someday I guess I'll bump into this OW.... If I managed to meet the mistress he left me for, and to relive him going back to his 1st wife, to have her flaunt it... I'm sure I can handle this one!!!