Constant arguments over THE smallest things - and it's my own fault. Advice desperately needed.

[FushiasFairy]

I don't really know where to start, but I need advice on controlling my own anger/irritability.

I have (hopefully) a fiance who i've only been with for 8 months, (have known each other for four years) but i've never been so sure about being with anyone in my life, and he says the same. At the start of the year we decided to try for a baby and at that point we were fine, we've been living together since December and some may say we've rushed things - maybe we have.

Anyway, i'm now three months pregnant and the inevitable has happened, my hormones are all over the bloody place.
My fiance also lost his job nearly two months ago, and has been at home every day to look after me as i've been suffering with really bad morning sickness - nausea and dizziness and just a constant lack of energy which has made me feel absolutely shite and depressed, and is only just passing.
I also have a 14mo DD who I haven't been able to play with properly because of it which has made me feel even worse. Plus she isn't sleeping through the night yet which is difficult.

My fiance has been so so helpful since he lost his job and has always been an incredible step dad to DD.
He'll do the sweetest things for me and let me have lie ins etc.
I just feel like the biggest bitch in the universe because I get so irritated with him, I don't even know why and i'm driving myself crazy!

We've been having one really bad argument every day for the past two weeks, and today he packed all of his stuff and left so we can have some time apart to cool off. Unfortunately we are both very over sensitive people and can both hurt each other much more than we intend to
(for example when we argue he mocks me in a whiny voice or accuses me of wanting to run back to my ex - DD's father - and things like that. I actually tend to just shut off after the initial outburst as I feel embarrassed and just want it to end)

I just don't know how to control the initial feeling of being pissed off, today it was because he decided to uproot all the stuff from the storage cupboard and our bedroom wardrobe to sort it out when i'd already told him i'd do it, and it just escalated because he gets just as irritated with me getting irritated for no reason.

Is it hormones? Is it me feeling like crap constantly? Is it him being at home all the time? Is it that we really have rushed things?

I DO love him, and I really want to be with him, but i'm so angry with myself for letting it get like this, and I get to the point where I think he'd be so much better off without me and my bloody mood swings :(

Any advice would be appreciated so much, i'm feeling so miserable at the moment :(

It's probably a combination of all of those things. It's tough to be confined to the same four walls as someone 24/7, even if you really like each other. Tiredness and grumpiness go together like ham and eggs. Feeling that you've made a big mistake is one of the joys of a nausea-filled, 'feeling like shite' pregnancy. :) Yes, you've rushed into the relationship as well. It's probably good that you're taking a break from each other because that kind of tetchy behaviour can so quickly become automatic.

How to take things forward will require some effort on everyone's part. It's going to involve being honest with each other and a lot of 'counting to 10' maturity. For example, everyone is entitled to say 'I'm feeling particularly down/sick/stressed/bored today, I have a bad temper and I apologise in advance for anything I may say or do'. You should also make time every single day to have a 'what I appreciate about you' conversation. Consciously say 'thank you' for kind actions. 'Please' costs nothing. This reminds everyone that they are loved, even if tempers are frayed occasionally. PS don't worry about playing 'properly' with your daughter. Good luck

your daughter is 14 months; you are 3 months pregnant... you conceived therefore when she was 11 months old. You had known your BF what ?, 4 months, at that time ? that's 16 weeks or so, 112 days....

When did you separate from DDs dad ? why did you separate? What , if any, similarities are there to you current position ? What about your DP ? what is his position wrt past relationships, does he have children?

Constant petty arguing MAY just be hormonal, tiredness and stress, but after only 8 months I think its a rather bad sign.... you should be so loved up that nothing gets between you. You will need to make a very conscious effort NOT to be grumpy... ad to speak to him in a polite respectful and loving way, and insist that he does the same to you. You sound like you have a LOT of growing up to do - Good luck.

I know it sounds like a very short time, but we've been close for four years now, I knew exactly who I was getting in to a relationship with, in fact we worked together for two years and saw each other near enough every day of the week then.

I separated from DD's dad for a few reasons but none of them similar. He cheated on me while pregnant and didn't want the baby, so I left him.

DP's past relationships were quite bad (his GF before last turned out to be gay - after a two year relationship with her - and the one after that was extremely controlling and didn't let him do anything) He doesn't have kids.

The thing is I still adore him, he tries so hard for me and I think it is just hormones/stress as even when we do argue, at the end of every night we're always cuddled up in bed telling each other how sorry we are, but it's like you say lemonstartree, after only 8 months it is worrying, and I just wish I could control my anger. I suppose because he's always around I just take it out on him, which I know is unfair, and I know there's a lot of growing up to do.

I also had PND after DD and wondering if it's still lingering as I cut my medication off when I fell pregnant. :(

There are some positives in there, dont you think ? What does HE want to do t help you sort it out ? You may well be depressed still - worth a trip to your GP?

Everyone gets bad tempered sometimes, and everyone CAN take it out on the ones we love best. The trick is NOT to... try counting to 10, walking away, consciously smiling - (its hard to be angry if you are smiling) try asking yourself " does this REALLY matter"....

Good luck x

Your hormones definitely aren't helping, but there's not a lot you can do about them. You need to have some distraction techniques as lemon suggested, whenever I feel that bad I keep my mouth shut and go upstairs/garden so my mouth can't run away with me. Dp knows why I do this and mostly leaves me alone until I'm calm. If he follows me to continue I find shouting La La La until he pisses off does the trick. This is just for when I'm biting at him. If it's a just argument then I have my say as much he has his.

You can still take ADs when you're pregnant, you know. You just have to speak to your doctor.

I think you have rushed things and that may have added to your stress.

If you love him and he's usually good to you (I'd have to lay it down the line about the mimicking, though - I couldn't be doing with that) then you really have to do everything you can to make it work. Start by seeing your doctor.

I honestly didn't know you could still take them while pregnant - in fact when I did stop taking them I told my doctor it was because I was pregnant, and he didn't put me right about it so I just assumed they were dangerous! That's taken a weight off of my mind actually, i'll be seeing doc next week.

Today I told him that I would do everything I could to make changes, as i'm just as disappointed in myself and generally can't deal with being an angry person anyway, I can't stand myself most of the time.
He told me he just thinks we need time and space
(after telling me i'd ruined everything and only I can sort it out but then asking why he should believe me when I say i'll try my hardest, so have been very hot and cold today),
although he hasn't said how long for which is worrying me as i'm beginning to think i'm going to be going through this pregnancy alone, as maybe he's just avoiding the hormonal side of things - which I don't blame him for really but I don't want to be on my tod for the next 6 months with DD.

Anyway, awkward day tomorrow as it's the 12 week scan and he wants to talk then. Got to put keeping my cool in to practice as I know he'll test me...

Thanks all for your advice and suggestions, it's really appreciated!