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Original poster

He thinks I'm paranoid. Instincts tell me something's wrong. Is it?

58 replies

tande · 09/05/2012 14:54

Been together with DH 20 yrs, married for 5 with 2 kids, DD 6, DS 3. DH became distant, moody and non communicative last year. I put this down to stress as there were lots of genuinely highly stressful things happening at work, family & financial. Then 2 things happened which freaked me out. Went for dinner with friends at Xmas and he seemed completely normal, chatty, joking. That was fine, but as soon as we left he snapped back into grumpy mode, shouted at me because I hadn't got the cash for the babysitter already. In January I invited myself along to a work drinks/dinner and he was really friendly and close with a girl he'd been working with a lot. When we walked from the pub to the restaurant, he walked ahead with her joking and chatting. They were so close as to be almost arm in arm. My instinct kicked in & red flags went up. When we got home I asked him what was going on. He said they were just friends. It made me realise how much he'd withdrawn from me but I hadn't really realised how bad it was.

So I sat him down & asked if he wanted to stay in the relationship. He said yes. We've been working on it and things are so much better. But there is still a lack of trust on my part as I don't understand why he withdrew if there was nothing else going on. He says he withdrew cos he wanted distance but he says there was no specific reason. Just I was being nasty to him. But I feel I was responding to him being critical & argumentative with me. We are intimate and close one minute, and then having a blazing row the next minute as I keep checking up on him. When first challenged, he said I was paranoid, delusional and i was jealous of her. I've been checking his email and texts and can't find any evidence (he knows I check). He's done everything I've asked of him, being more communicative, loving, coming home early, not being grumpy, being more involved with the children.

So now I feel like I should be happy but something still niggles. Here's just one weird example, we use the same passwords for everything but he has a different one for his phone. I asked why that number (it's a year) & he has no reason. He uses my year of birth for another pin number & said oh I can't use your birthday as I use that for something else.
If anyone can offer some perspective I'd be really grateful. I'm driving myself crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
tande · 09/05/2012 22:17

Oh he doesn't have an iPhone, has a work blackberry so I can't see his call history / statements.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 22:21

you caught him out lying about something else ?

is a habitual liar ?

lying about small things on a regular basis is a red flag

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 22:21

is *he

bjf1 · 09/05/2012 22:35

I get the impression you are trying to convince yourself that nothing is going on.
When you get to that stage, there usually is grounds for mistrust.
You WANT to believe him, but that niggling doubt won't go away. They don't call it women's intuition for nothing, you know.
Of course he has deleted emails to and from her.....he knows full well you are checking up on him.
I would make out everything is okay between you from now on, make him think you are not checking up on him anymore. He will trip up somewhere along the way, as you continue to monitor his texts and emails SECRETLY. Don't tell him you have read them fgs, as he will just delete them. If he thinks you have 'given up' he will become careless eventually.

fallenpetal · 09/05/2012 22:38

I really hope he is innocent

But as AF said he is following the cheaters bible to the letter turning the fault on to you - my ex did the same, they can really have you thinking you are nuts and doubt even the most logical things for their twists on the truth. Please trust your instincts. Ive been the other woman in an emotional affair, its very easy to get sucked into. I never sent him sexy video's though, that seems a step further on and very flirty with intent to me.
What other lies is he telling you? Money things? Where he is going? Be honest with yourself here. Almost every poster "genuinely" thinks its in their own heads, he wouldnt do it, he was stressed....its just your subconscious compensating for what your fear is the complete opposite ....been there, realised later!

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 22:38

christ, what a way to live Sad

Original poster
tande · 09/05/2012 22:43

Oh this is going to sound really bad. There's a strip joint near where we live / where he also used to work. I'm always saying have you ever been in there, what is it like? He says no. The other night in mid blazing row, for some reason I said 'and I know you've been to that place with so and so'. I was calling his bluff. He said yes i only went once. He said he didn't think was such a big deal, wasn't that important, was ages ago etc. tbh, he might've told me a few years ago & I forgot. But I went mad as it was a lie.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 22:44
Sad
Original poster
tande · 09/05/2012 22:55

Bjf - I know I am rubbish I just blurt everything out. I thought about just saying all fine & secretly monitor but it seems like a terrible way to live & not sure my nerves can take it. Already lost half a stone & countless night's sleep. I've checked everything, bank accounts, emails. Haven't found anything. Surely if he'd been up to something there'd be a bar bill or something? I have all his bank statements as I do the filing.

He did say, if I was having an affair why would I be happy to invite you out? Altho I did invite myself :) he would have to think I am v stupid?

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 09/05/2012 22:57

Oh Lordy. I'd try calling his bluff some more.

I don't know about your email account but when I search someone's name, ALL their emails come up, including the deleted ones, they just have a line through them.

I don't know if that helps tande but...what I hope is helping is that there's a few mnetters here holding your hand.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2012 23:04

if there is anything, it will be on his Blackberry, and deleted by now

Mumsyblouse · 09/05/2012 23:11

Of course people sometimes go distant/depressed/have a hard time. But his reaction, which is to call you paranoid and blame you is what would make me suspicious, plus your sense something isn't right. I think my husband would be much more relaxed about it and perhaps wondering if I was ok, not turning on me in a defensive manner.

Why delete these mails at all? I think you are right, at the very least they are more flirtatious than he would like you to see.

Charbon · 09/05/2012 23:19

The one place that hides the secret is hidden from you and that's the work phone. I expect they use the messengering facility which won't show up on any bills and once deleted is gone forever. There might however be hidden folders and pictures though if you can get into it.

He didn't invite you out. He just couldn't think of a reasonable excuse to deter you from going, without arousing too many suspicions.

Lying about the strip joint is very revealing. He's someone who feels he's entitled to sexual entertainment as part of a night out and then lying about it to his partner.

Have you done some checking that this colleague is working elsewhere like he says? Checked her facebook page? Does he have a FB account himself?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 09/05/2012 23:40

Trust your instinct.

You are paranoid & jealous is something they all trot out. It's actually a relief to find out there is someone else in a way, you then realise you weren't a paranoid jealous twat and you can trust your instincts :) :(

There's always a way, if there's a will. Another phone, another bank account (divert part of wages/bonus'). They have places to go where they don't have to spend money. Cash jobs. Mates covering...

:(

tallwivglasses · 10/05/2012 00:06

tande - anyone in rl around?

solidgoldbrass · 10/05/2012 00:17

Well, you can't just carry on in this state of anxiety and stress. If he's had an affair, or a near affair, do you think you could forgive him? More to the point, far more to the point, have you had enough of his 'stressed' grumpy and selfish behaviour, or has he started behaving nicely to you again?

What I would suggest is you stop researching his communications and research, instead, what would happen if you decided to end the relationship WRT house, childcare, finance etc. Make sure you have all the relevant information. Knowing all that can help you decide what to do next, but the most important thing to bear in mind is that it's not a matter of waiting for him to decide to stay or leave, it's a matter of whether he's worth keeping in the first place. A man who has had a year of being selfish and unpleasant to live with is not really a prize worth 'fighting' for; why not address his unlovable behaviour to him and suggest that if he's that miserable he can fuck off.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2012 00:29

agree with sgb

something that makes you this unhappy is not working

no matter what nice things he may have said/not said

MadAboutHotChoc · 10/05/2012 07:05

Good advice from SGB.

I would really try and get access to his blackberry - out of the blue, call his bluff and ask him to hand it over to you, without allowing him time to delete anything.

If he refuses, you have your answer Sad

Original poster
tande · 10/05/2012 07:27

There's nothing on the bb, I've been using that to check his emails. I looked on instant messaging & there's nothing. They are definitely in separate locations. I thought of FB, she is on it but doesn't post. I set up a FB account few years ago for him & he hasn't used it at all. But here's another odd thing, I found he had set up another fb account last May & not told me. I know from the email notifications that he never used it, had a couple of friend requests he didn't accept. There are no messages in there. He checked it once the first day back at work after our holiday last August.
When I asked him, he said he set up a new one cos he couldn't remember the old one. I said well why didn't you just ask me, would have been quicker than setting up a new one? He says but I never even used it (which is true but then why even bother?)

OP posts:
Original poster
tande · 10/05/2012 07:33

Oh and he's been really loving, kind and considerate since this all blew up, is a changed man. So things are great. But if he can't reassure me about last yr?...

OP posts:
GiantPuffball · 10/05/2012 07:46

There is no place in a normal working relationship to send a sexy video to a colleague.

Bucharest · 10/05/2012 08:16

The whole FB/email/location thing is completely irrelevant though.....how do you know he doesn't have another phone/account? How do you know that when they chat on FB they don't have their privacy set so you and others can't read? (I uploaded a personal video the other day that I only wanted 5 out of 100+ people to see, it's easy peasy for them to keep their privacy so any wives don't notice...in fact they would be stupid not to!)

The answer is, you don't.

It might be/might have been completely innocent. It might not. It might have finished and he is completely over it. It might still be going on.

At the moment you don't know. But none of what you said makes me think there's been nothing dodgy going on.

fiventhree · 10/05/2012 08:18

He sounds quite similar to the way my cheating h approached things.

Mine, however, kept up the most innocent face you could imagine for five plus years, denying all the time.

Here were just a few of the strategies he tried:

  • angry that I would accuse
  • understanding and concerned that I would be suspicious, but denying
-keeping eye contact and maintaining the most open and innocent face you can imagine -swearing on the childrens lives he hasnt
  • tellling me my adult daughter only believed the latest set of photos she accidentally found were dodgy, because she 'likes a drama'
-telling me he was against affairs and tutting over others having them -opening accounts eg myspace and email, and forgetting to mention. Denying the myspace was him, and actually writing to them to complain, and 'forgetting' what happened to their response -always having a good reason why passwords changed, or changing them just slightly by changing a capital letter to lower case

I could go on and on.

The thing is, if you are suspicious, trust your instincts. Even if you have got to that stage (which I did) where you dont even know what your instincts are anymore.

Even if you have been looking up signs of lying on google and he doesnt fit them so much.

THat is something I learned- dont over think- trust your instincts.

arthriticfingers · 10/05/2012 08:41

Not wanting to add to your paranoia, but, as others have said instincts are a good guide.
Ex kept a secret sim in his wallet.:(

Triffiddealer · 10/05/2012 09:46

Tande

Reading this is bringing back horrible memories - all that checking up (and the shame of doing so), the upset and confusion, the gut feeling that everything is a lie but really wanting to believe your husband, because the truth is so devastating.

All that energy and time wasted

Tande - This is your life, it's truly precious and it's worth more than this. Wouldn't you rather be hiking Snowdon/writing a novel/re-decorating your bedroom (delete as appropriate)?

I'm in no position to give advice, but it breaks my heart to see women's minds twisted like this, because I know so well that it's a downward spiral - and can turn a confident, happy woman into a miserable shadow of her former self.

I may be biased, but everything you've said reminds me of my husband. I caught him out by pretending that I was no longer checking, he did eventually slip up, but after a long time. Both SGB and AF are right. It's a horrible way to live, and I would hate for my daughter to live like that or anyone I cared about.

Personally I would assume that is having or has had an affair with this woman. But even if that were not the case (and it's 'only' been an inappropriate friendship), he has been a disrespectful, dishonest and unpleasant partner for a long time. You get to chose what to do about it.